Sexuality Professor Answers Dating Questions - Tech Support - WIRED
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Date: 2025-05-16
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Comments and reviews: 20
morrowmorrow4811
I've struggled my entire life with dating or even anything more than friends. As a dude who's kinda always been an outsider (pretty sure im on the autism spectrum for context, and grew up moving around a lot and struggling to fit in or make friends or develop social skills) it's such a strange world we live in nowadays. I've tried dating apps but they seem like such a waste of time as a guy since they're incredibly predatory as far as trying to get you to spend money (which I don't have an abundance of) and often show you mainly the most popular girls (which are either influencers or people I have no chance with. I don't think I'm hideous or anything, I have had my days where I feel like I look good. But I also don't exactly have the charisma and charm and wit to be going around charming girls into my arms, and we live in a world where it's become near impossible for that to happen organically. Bars and clubs are the number one place I hear about being where you're supposed to go to meet ppl for that but I don't drink both because of the cost and because it makes me think of my borderline alcoholic father in the past. Not to mention the amount of people and loudness of the music can be pretty overwhelming and again, not exactly a social butterfly. There's a couple girls at my new job I think are kind of cute, but I don't think I'll ever try to ask them out or anything because I don't want to make them feel unsafe or pressured or make things weird. As if there wasn't enough depressing things about this world we live in, add this to the list. I just wanna feel happy, man. I'm tired of the constant struggle to just survive another day in such a lonely world.
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I've struggled my entire life with dating or even anything more than friends. As a dude who's kinda always been an outsider (pretty sure im on the autism spectrum for context, and grew up moving around a lot and struggling to fit in or make friends or develop social skills) it's such a strange world we live in nowadays. I've tried dating apps but they seem like such a waste of time as a guy since they're incredibly predatory as far as trying to get you to spend money (which I don't have an abundance of) and often show you mainly the most popular girls (which are either influencers or people I have no chance with. I don't think I'm hideous or anything, I have had my days where I feel like I look good. But I also don't exactly have the charisma and charm and wit to be going around charming girls into my arms, and we live in a world where it's become near impossible for that to happen organically. Bars and clubs are the number one place I hear about being where you're supposed to go to meet ppl for that but I don't drink both because of the cost and because it makes me think of my borderline alcoholic father in the past. Not to mention the amount of people and loudness of the music can be pretty overwhelming and again, not exactly a social butterfly. There's a couple girls at my new job I think are kind of cute, but I don't think I'll ever try to ask them out or anything because I don't want to make them feel unsafe or pressured or make things weird. As if there wasn't enough depressing things about this world we live in, add this to the list. I just wanna feel happy, man. I'm tired of the constant struggle to just survive another day in such a lonely world.
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wired
I am a self proclaimed feminist, but I think the mix of men no longer approaching women is a mix of women's safety and also the potential to be recorded and used for views. I think the recording is more of a gen z thing because of the influencer era.
2: 15 I think you're correct. I will add that as a guy who puts no casual on his dating profile and means it, it isn't easier for me. This isn't the woman's fault. This is other men blatantly lying and knowing that if they put conservative or intimacy without commitment on their profile, they will get less matches. Men blatantly lie so they can get wet. It may be easier for women to get matches, but at least for us guys, we don't have the FOMO of choosing two profiles that say long term relationship but accidently picking the one who lied about it and missing out on the real thing. With that said, I have had a lot of matches play games so they don't miss out on either.
As far as ghosting goes, I think it is a legit option IF you unmatch them. If not, tell the person its not working out. You don't need to tell them why, unless you feel like it is an objective red flag and maybe they should know, but still, I feel like giving a reason is only needed if there is a relationship involved, so it gives closure. I hate it when ghosting happens without any communication or unmatching. You're just left wondering until you move on.
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I am a self proclaimed feminist, but I think the mix of men no longer approaching women is a mix of women's safety and also the potential to be recorded and used for views. I think the recording is more of a gen z thing because of the influencer era.
2: 15 I think you're correct. I will add that as a guy who puts no casual on his dating profile and means it, it isn't easier for me. This isn't the woman's fault. This is other men blatantly lying and knowing that if they put conservative or intimacy without commitment on their profile, they will get less matches. Men blatantly lie so they can get wet. It may be easier for women to get matches, but at least for us guys, we don't have the FOMO of choosing two profiles that say long term relationship but accidently picking the one who lied about it and missing out on the real thing. With that said, I have had a lot of matches play games so they don't miss out on either.
As far as ghosting goes, I think it is a legit option IF you unmatch them. If not, tell the person its not working out. You don't need to tell them why, unless you feel like it is an objective red flag and maybe they should know, but still, I feel like giving a reason is only needed if there is a relationship involved, so it gives closure. I hate it when ghosting happens without any communication or unmatching. You're just left wondering until you move on.
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wired
ASD/ADHD individual here, I don't really feel those initial pulses of 'chemistry' or physical attraction in the early stages of getting to know someone. This makes dating difficult because the other person tends to not know that I might be interested, as it takes getting to know them on an emotional and intellectual level before I start feeling attracted to them at all, and I'm still very reserved at that point. Most people make that unconscious decision much earlier into knowing someone, and it makes me feel out of rhythm with the way others find romantic connections. I'm leaving this here for anyone who has had the same experiences to let you know that you're not crazy, and there's nothing wrong with the way you want to love and be loved. I'm personally trying to find a better way to outwardly communicate this, and it may still limit my chances to find the right person, but doing it any other way would feel like an inauthentic connection to me.
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ASD/ADHD individual here, I don't really feel those initial pulses of 'chemistry' or physical attraction in the early stages of getting to know someone. This makes dating difficult because the other person tends to not know that I might be interested, as it takes getting to know them on an emotional and intellectual level before I start feeling attracted to them at all, and I'm still very reserved at that point. Most people make that unconscious decision much earlier into knowing someone, and it makes me feel out of rhythm with the way others find romantic connections. I'm leaving this here for anyone who has had the same experiences to let you know that you're not crazy, and there's nothing wrong with the way you want to love and be loved. I'm personally trying to find a better way to outwardly communicate this, and it may still limit my chances to find the right person, but doing it any other way would feel like an inauthentic connection to me.
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di99utpe
Media often portraits relationship to be simple and carefree. Romantic movies have the happily ever after and more adult media portraits that everyone will do anything with anyone. And most stories will have a happy ending.
Since we compare ourselves with others, both on social media and other things we are exposed to. That sets some of our expectations on our own relationships depending on the type of media we consume.
If our expectations isn't met it's easy to abandon the relationship thinking this wasn't it. Since there are so many prospective partners out there some experience decision fatigue, leaving a feeling that there must be something better out there. The one that will tick ALL the boxes.
Is anything less than perfect bad
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Media often portraits relationship to be simple and carefree. Romantic movies have the happily ever after and more adult media portraits that everyone will do anything with anyone. And most stories will have a happy ending.
Since we compare ourselves with others, both on social media and other things we are exposed to. That sets some of our expectations on our own relationships depending on the type of media we consume.
If our expectations isn't met it's easy to abandon the relationship thinking this wasn't it. Since there are so many prospective partners out there some experience decision fatigue, leaving a feeling that there must be something better out there. The one that will tick ALL the boxes.
Is anything less than perfect bad
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TiramisuCattt
The feeling in your stomach is caused by adrenaline cutting off blood flow to the intestines and pausing digestion. There is no thoughts processed in gut (assuming this would mean intestines) or stomach. We have a central nervous system. The fact that neurons exist in nerves all over the body, to communicate with the brain and take sensory input and control muscles, does not mean we actually process those inputs where they came in. Even if this was just a miscommunication and she does not actually think that, it was enough to make me lose confidence in the information preceding/proceeding it. I really hope no one was ever idiotic enough to think I could literally think with my umm. kitty cat lol
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The feeling in your stomach is caused by adrenaline cutting off blood flow to the intestines and pausing digestion. There is no thoughts processed in gut (assuming this would mean intestines) or stomach. We have a central nervous system. The fact that neurons exist in nerves all over the body, to communicate with the brain and take sensory input and control muscles, does not mean we actually process those inputs where they came in. Even if this was just a miscommunication and she does not actually think that, it was enough to make me lose confidence in the information preceding/proceeding it. I really hope no one was ever idiotic enough to think I could literally think with my umm. kitty cat lol
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lavener100
YES YES go with your gut. I've had some pretty bad relationship experiences and one of the things they've taught me is to actually listen to my gut. For me, I get a very clear tension above my navel when something is off. It was always there in the past when I got myself into bad situations, but I intellectualized it, ignored it, or just labeled it as anxiety. It didn't help that I had some generalized anxiety and I couldn't parse what was what. Now I know better and if someone gives me that feeling, even if they appear fine, I am OUT OF THERE! you gotta figure out your own signals for yourself through trial and error.
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YES YES go with your gut. I've had some pretty bad relationship experiences and one of the things they've taught me is to actually listen to my gut. For me, I get a very clear tension above my navel when something is off. It was always there in the past when I got myself into bad situations, but I intellectualized it, ignored it, or just labeled it as anxiety. It didn't help that I had some generalized anxiety and I couldn't parse what was what. Now I know better and if someone gives me that feeling, even if they appear fine, I am OUT OF THERE! you gotta figure out your own signals for yourself through trial and error.
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ScottAyersStuff
-Women complained about being approached
-Men listened and complied
-Women then complained about not being approached
-Woman feels oppressed
-Woman says I don't need no man
-Woman's car, furnace, AC, computer breaks
-Woman scrambles to hire a man to fix them using their I'm just a poor helpless woman. Please help me
-Guys look into dating. Notice the above behavior an say No thanks
-Women then complain that men are weak for not chasing them
-Guys realize they just dodged a huge bullet and get into video games and other hobbies
-Women retreat into box wine and cat land
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-Women complained about being approached
-Men listened and complied
-Women then complained about not being approached
-Woman feels oppressed
-Woman says I don't need no man
-Woman's car, furnace, AC, computer breaks
-Woman scrambles to hire a man to fix them using their I'm just a poor helpless woman. Please help me
-Guys look into dating. Notice the above behavior an say No thanks
-Women then complain that men are weak for not chasing them
-Guys realize they just dodged a huge bullet and get into video games and other hobbies
-Women retreat into box wine and cat land
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tcyxicirzt3011
The first question is such a false binary in every way.
1) How about women approaching men Or women approaching women Or men approaching men Are we still caught up in gender norms
2) It's not like the only options are use dating apps or talk to a random stranger in public. How about mutual friends, common hobbies, clubs, shared interests, shared communities You know nothing about a stranger except what they look like. The only mutual compatibility you can assess is if they are physically attractive. Really bad basis for a long-lasting relationship.
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The first question is such a false binary in every way.
1) How about women approaching men Or women approaching women Or men approaching men Are we still caught up in gender norms
2) It's not like the only options are use dating apps or talk to a random stranger in public. How about mutual friends, common hobbies, clubs, shared interests, shared communities You know nothing about a stranger except what they look like. The only mutual compatibility you can assess is if they are physically attractive. Really bad basis for a long-lasting relationship.
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Ghostrider-ul7xn
Constant rejections and likelihood of false allegations are the main reason why men have stopped approaching women altogether. If you're not the right type (which most of the time you're not, you're risking not just rejection, but ridicule, verbal abuse or even aggression in front of the public crowd. Which sane guy wants to put through that Its a low benefit, high risk activity. Its low benefit cuz even if you get a positive interaction out of it, its not likely that it'll culminate in a long term relationship or marriage.
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Constant rejections and likelihood of false allegations are the main reason why men have stopped approaching women altogether. If you're not the right type (which most of the time you're not, you're risking not just rejection, but ridicule, verbal abuse or even aggression in front of the public crowd. Which sane guy wants to put through that Its a low benefit, high risk activity. Its low benefit cuz even if you get a positive interaction out of it, its not likely that it'll culminate in a long term relationship or marriage.
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user-ei7ed6zy9k
Fellas, if you're under a 7, you're invisible to a vast majority of women. Which is why you'd feel shy to approach them cos theres a chance they'll be creeped out and assume you're exactly like the trash men they see overblown online. When in fact the trash men are that same 10% of men who are only looking for the short term who women throw their rulebook away for and ignore red flags. Then complain about all men. Then go back to those same 10% of men
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Fellas, if you're under a 7, you're invisible to a vast majority of women. Which is why you'd feel shy to approach them cos theres a chance they'll be creeped out and assume you're exactly like the trash men they see overblown online. When in fact the trash men are that same 10% of men who are only looking for the short term who women throw their rulebook away for and ignore red flags. Then complain about all men. Then go back to those same 10% of men
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oventi_
I think that men approaching less and some people missing the old way is just a growing pain of a better, more equal society. Yes, approaching before was a free for all and there was a lot of harrasment and worse. Feminism and social justice advocacy and awareness reduced this, and now we have to come up with a safer and consensual way to do it. Dating apps are just one way. Speed dating is another. In Argentina, I had some success with tango classes.
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I think that men approaching less and some people missing the old way is just a growing pain of a better, more equal society. Yes, approaching before was a free for all and there was a lot of harrasment and worse. Feminism and social justice advocacy and awareness reduced this, and now we have to come up with a safer and consensual way to do it. Dating apps are just one way. Speed dating is another. In Argentina, I had some success with tango classes.
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whophd
0: 25 for the worse do you mean strangers None of my dating app meetups led to anything serious and healthy, but men have no training to show a respectful way to meet a stranger, and women have too much training to answer in games that are technically dishonest. If you’re unable to enjoy loud spaces like clubs, and don’t enjoy unpacking layers of truth and lies, it’s no wonder online seems better.
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0: 25 for the worse do you mean strangers None of my dating app meetups led to anything serious and healthy, but men have no training to show a respectful way to meet a stranger, and women have too much training to answer in games that are technically dishonest. If you’re unable to enjoy loud spaces like clubs, and don’t enjoy unpacking layers of truth and lies, it’s no wonder online seems better.
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yobogoya4367
I have to disagree with your definition of orbiting. It's not that at all. An orbiter is some vulture sitting in the on-deck circle waiting for your relationship to tank, often times actively sabotaging your relationship, designated as the friend you don't have to worry about, so he can use his shoulder to cry on to manipulate your woman into dating him instead.
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I have to disagree with your definition of orbiting. It's not that at all. An orbiter is some vulture sitting in the on-deck circle waiting for your relationship to tank, often times actively sabotaging your relationship, designated as the friend you don't have to worry about, so he can use his shoulder to cry on to manipulate your woman into dating him instead.
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custos3249
The gut _is_ an old wives tale. We have research to that, and she even started to point out one of many reasons why intuition is garbage, such as the negativity bias. Experts typically default to her take predominantly because of how the mind perceives the outcome. All on all, if you don't go with your gut and things go poorly, we're far, far harder on ourselves.
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The gut _is_ an old wives tale. We have research to that, and she even started to point out one of many reasons why intuition is garbage, such as the negativity bias. Experts typically default to her take predominantly because of how the mind perceives the outcome. All on all, if you don't go with your gut and things go poorly, we're far, far harder on ourselves.
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judgeholden3600
I figured out women later in life. If you go to a public place where there's girls, a bar, a club, the gym, anywhere, and you ignore them,
they will come up to you and start talking. They hate being ignored, it drives them crazy. If you told me this when I was in my 20s I just flat out wouldn't have believed you. But it's true
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I figured out women later in life. If you go to a public place where there's girls, a bar, a club, the gym, anywhere, and you ignore them,
they will come up to you and start talking. They hate being ignored, it drives them crazy. If you told me this when I was in my 20s I just flat out wouldn't have believed you. But it's true
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thewatchfuleyez123
I believe you can grow into loving someone. I have heard of people meeting in school or collage that after dating for some time fell in love, then married and were known as high school sweet hearts. I also know of people who have met during a career or business working together and would start to date and fall in love.
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I believe you can grow into loving someone. I have heard of people meeting in school or collage that after dating for some time fell in love, then married and were known as high school sweet hearts. I also know of people who have met during a career or business working together and would start to date and fall in love.
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Anita-kd4zu
At almost 64, as a single woman I'm basically invisible to men now (or so it seems. I would love to meet someone, but I've had too many bad experiences with internet sites. I go out for coffee, I'm going places when I'm not working, but have yet to meet someone the old fashioned way to even advance to a date. Oh well. :-)
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At almost 64, as a single woman I'm basically invisible to men now (or so it seems. I would love to meet someone, but I've had too many bad experiences with internet sites. I go out for coffee, I'm going places when I'm not working, but have yet to meet someone the old fashioned way to even advance to a date. Oh well. :-)
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nicoledb341
My now boyfriend met me outside and we talked and he gave me his number on a piece of paper to say if you are ever interested to talk further or meet here is my number. And i felt no pressure, he did not ask for mine at all. Which as a cis hetero woman i loved. And i feel so safe with him and we communicate really good.
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My now boyfriend met me outside and we talked and he gave me his number on a piece of paper to say if you are ever interested to talk further or meet here is my number. And i felt no pressure, he did not ask for mine at all. Which as a cis hetero woman i loved. And i feel so safe with him and we communicate really good.
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eusounadja5738
Believe the gut guys. I didn’t, and I got bad gastrointestinal issues, passed out, lost weight, couldn’t stop shaking, and all of that since the beginning, my poor body tried to tell me for three years, and I didn’t listen to. Until one day I did. One year later, and I still have stomach issues
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Believe the gut guys. I didn’t, and I got bad gastrointestinal issues, passed out, lost weight, couldn’t stop shaking, and all of that since the beginning, my poor body tried to tell me for three years, and I didn’t listen to. Until one day I did. One year later, and I still have stomach issues
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JohnnyAllan-vj7sj
I'm pretty observant of people in public and the last thing I see on their face is, Please approach me and court me as a potential romantic interest
If you really want to be approached by strangers, try smiling at them and holding some eye contact. Otherwise don't hold your breath
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I'm pretty observant of people in public and the last thing I see on their face is, Please approach me and court me as a potential romantic interest
If you really want to be approached by strangers, try smiling at them and holding some eye contact. Otherwise don't hold your breath
reply
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