How To STOP Seeking External Validation
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Date: 2024-06-07
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• TED-Ed
Comments and reviews: 20
kono5717
It's easier to look at things like this when you are not heavily ostracized in the first place, all of this goes out the window when you become the butt of everyone's jokes no one wants to be around you and you end up completely isolated. I am trans and throughout my childhood and early adult life that's pretty much how it always went especially as I grew up in a fairly abusive household (could have been worse though. The feeling of being constantly put in the dirt and made into other people's jokes it never goes away you feel safe around no one. When you have a near shattered ego from decades of abuse and cruelty you desperately want validation to feel like you matter and are important and someone cares about you. I am fairly attractive and people will always tell me I'm beautiful but I still need reassurance that I'm not disgusting as it's so ingrained into me that I eventually always relapse even if I can look at myself and be like yeah I'm ok. I wish there was an answer for deep seeded psychological trauma as I've gotten to the point is I will just social withdraw from friend groups the moment people seem evenly mildly annoyed at me. Idk what to do I'm so lonely and I trust no one.
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It's easier to look at things like this when you are not heavily ostracized in the first place, all of this goes out the window when you become the butt of everyone's jokes no one wants to be around you and you end up completely isolated. I am trans and throughout my childhood and early adult life that's pretty much how it always went especially as I grew up in a fairly abusive household (could have been worse though. The feeling of being constantly put in the dirt and made into other people's jokes it never goes away you feel safe around no one. When you have a near shattered ego from decades of abuse and cruelty you desperately want validation to feel like you matter and are important and someone cares about you. I am fairly attractive and people will always tell me I'm beautiful but I still need reassurance that I'm not disgusting as it's so ingrained into me that I eventually always relapse even if I can look at myself and be like yeah I'm ok. I wish there was an answer for deep seeded psychological trauma as I've gotten to the point is I will just social withdraw from friend groups the moment people seem evenly mildly annoyed at me. Idk what to do I'm so lonely and I trust no one.
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emirinobambino
I think this is good advice to a point--sometimes there are barriers in people's lives which they have no control over that prohibit them from following their dreams, succeeding, etc. There's also the case of when someone has done all these things, and they either don't help, or the comfort which they provide is minimal compared to mindless dopamine seeking. It also concerns me if people are focusing too much on chasing their inner calling, instead of appreciating the current opportunity to build meaningful relationships with others. In adulthood, almost all my friends have become lost and disconnected, and I'm worried that by constantly focusing on their job, self-care, and the other ways listed here of self-love (which they all do) that they've missed the opportunity to share in the love of others, which perhaps perpetuates the idea that they need to further isolate and self-improve. I think self-worth should partially depend on the external approval of selected loved ones, or else I see this other lonely pattern begin to emerge.
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I think this is good advice to a point--sometimes there are barriers in people's lives which they have no control over that prohibit them from following their dreams, succeeding, etc. There's also the case of when someone has done all these things, and they either don't help, or the comfort which they provide is minimal compared to mindless dopamine seeking. It also concerns me if people are focusing too much on chasing their inner calling, instead of appreciating the current opportunity to build meaningful relationships with others. In adulthood, almost all my friends have become lost and disconnected, and I'm worried that by constantly focusing on their job, self-care, and the other ways listed here of self-love (which they all do) that they've missed the opportunity to share in the love of others, which perhaps perpetuates the idea that they need to further isolate and self-improve. I think self-worth should partially depend on the external approval of selected loved ones, or else I see this other lonely pattern begin to emerge.
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smoothcriminal2142
some solid advice! smooth voice too, damn.
i've always valued the opinion of myself more than the opinions of others but social media still makes it easy to fall into the cycle of seeking external validation. and even if you're aware of it, it's still a constant battle whenever you're online. good tool for training discipline though so, silver lining. it's also great for practicing rejection therapy. got the whole world at your fingertips just waiting to tell you no! conquering the fear of rejection will also help you seize opportunities in life as you won't be as indecisive. can overcome a fear of failure in a similar way too.
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some solid advice! smooth voice too, damn.
i've always valued the opinion of myself more than the opinions of others but social media still makes it easy to fall into the cycle of seeking external validation. and even if you're aware of it, it's still a constant battle whenever you're online. good tool for training discipline though so, silver lining. it's also great for practicing rejection therapy. got the whole world at your fingertips just waiting to tell you no! conquering the fear of rejection will also help you seize opportunities in life as you won't be as indecisive. can overcome a fear of failure in a similar way too.
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siennaprice1351
Lately, instead of validation, I’ve been finding myself seeking shame, judgment, and criticism. Because I feel like that’s what I need. But then again, what I really want in life, is to accept myself for who I am. As someone who is totally blind, autistic, and has complex PTSD, yes, I do things way differently than normal people do. I touch and explore everything. I feel emotions a little bit more intensely than others. I express myself through body movement, through saying silly things, as a way to communicate that I’m happy, and that I’m in a good mood, and other things. That’s me!
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Lately, instead of validation, I’ve been finding myself seeking shame, judgment, and criticism. Because I feel like that’s what I need. But then again, what I really want in life, is to accept myself for who I am. As someone who is totally blind, autistic, and has complex PTSD, yes, I do things way differently than normal people do. I touch and explore everything. I feel emotions a little bit more intensely than others. I express myself through body movement, through saying silly things, as a way to communicate that I’m happy, and that I’m in a good mood, and other things. That’s me!
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phillipminer3554
The first point recognizing the cycle really struck a chord with me. When it comes to social media, I’ve now recognized that it’s people’s takes on social justice issues and similar that triggers that need for external validation from me. I want to be seen as a good person. But the need for external validation makes me say and do things that aren’t appropriate, and certainly aren’t helpful.
I want to be a good person, and it keeps feeling like others have to confirm that I’m a good person for me to believe it too. And I don’t know if that’s healthy.
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The first point recognizing the cycle really struck a chord with me. When it comes to social media, I’ve now recognized that it’s people’s takes on social justice issues and similar that triggers that need for external validation from me. I want to be seen as a good person. But the need for external validation makes me say and do things that aren’t appropriate, and certainly aren’t helpful.
I want to be a good person, and it keeps feeling like others have to confirm that I’m a good person for me to believe it too. And I don’t know if that’s healthy.
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RyanNerdyGamer
I may not yet have fully realised it at the time of this post, but the day I stopped using others’ opinions of me as the base template for who I should be is one of the most important days in my healing journey.
Because that is the day this once-broken, bodily-shamed baby bird chose to stop giving away his personal power willy-nilly, subconsciously assuming the mantle of The Real Me, in the process.
And now, this brave bird-boy is ready to ride those thermals above and beyond every false perception, misnomer, and exaggeration as The Real Me.
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I may not yet have fully realised it at the time of this post, but the day I stopped using others’ opinions of me as the base template for who I should be is one of the most important days in my healing journey.
Because that is the day this once-broken, bodily-shamed baby bird chose to stop giving away his personal power willy-nilly, subconsciously assuming the mantle of The Real Me, in the process.
And now, this brave bird-boy is ready to ride those thermals above and beyond every false perception, misnomer, and exaggeration as The Real Me.
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ThePlaygueIsHere
Pretty difficult to do this when people want to rip me apart constantly. It's been this way for about a decade.
Now that I am with real friends, it's difficult to accept their love. I feel like I am weak for not toughing it out. I still feel upset that I don't have anyone super close. I am much closer to some people than before, and I am grateful for that, but I still feel like I'm just some leech. This is especially prevalent when I get gifts. I hate it. I hate how I get gifts but then I know I can't do much to return the favor.
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Pretty difficult to do this when people want to rip me apart constantly. It's been this way for about a decade.
Now that I am with real friends, it's difficult to accept their love. I feel like I am weak for not toughing it out. I still feel upset that I don't have anyone super close. I am much closer to some people than before, and I am grateful for that, but I still feel like I'm just some leech. This is especially prevalent when I get gifts. I hate it. I hate how I get gifts but then I know I can't do much to return the favor.
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RyoukenNoJeiku
This is what helped give me some more confidence, through journaling which my psychiatrist sister recommended, I found most of my motivation was external. After setting boundaries with my parents and others, which was difficult bc they weren't used to that and I kinda suck at it and finding what motivated me internally and why, this resulted in a general confidence boost. It may be more situational, but this idea and reframe is what helped me the most with insecurity. Love this video
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This is what helped give me some more confidence, through journaling which my psychiatrist sister recommended, I found most of my motivation was external. After setting boundaries with my parents and others, which was difficult bc they weren't used to that and I kinda suck at it and finding what motivated me internally and why, this resulted in a general confidence boost. It may be more situational, but this idea and reframe is what helped me the most with insecurity. Love this video
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cynthx
Guys, here.
1. Discover a hobby that fulfills you
2. Give yourself grace and room for mistakes
3. Mess up and learn. Never stop learning
4. Take in the small moments that bring ordinary comfort. Good poops. Hot chocolate. A sunset. The stars at night.
5. Look at yourself and say thank you for everything, and keep going.
You don't need any power from external people. It all comes from you. So be nice to yourself.
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Guys, here.
1. Discover a hobby that fulfills you
2. Give yourself grace and room for mistakes
3. Mess up and learn. Never stop learning
4. Take in the small moments that bring ordinary comfort. Good poops. Hot chocolate. A sunset. The stars at night.
5. Look at yourself and say thank you for everything, and keep going.
You don't need any power from external people. It all comes from you. So be nice to yourself.
reply
52-sumeghamallik97
Thankyou dear
I have been brought up in a abusive environment. right now I'm at home. just staying before I move back for my master's in literature. away from my home. and the same abuse is growing. but it's family. so I can't do much. something happened just now. which made me question my self worth. and I came to your video to seek help. I'm soothed for the time being. thankyou I feel protected at your space
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Thankyou dear
I have been brought up in a abusive environment. right now I'm at home. just staying before I move back for my master's in literature. away from my home. and the same abuse is growing. but it's family. so I can't do much. something happened just now. which made me question my self worth. and I came to your video to seek help. I'm soothed for the time being. thankyou I feel protected at your space
reply
Psych2go
Remember, your self-worth is inherent and doesn't depend on external approval. Here are some tips to get you started: Focus on your values and goals. What truly matters to you
Celebrate your accomplishments, big and small. Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, even when you make mistakes. This journey is all about building your inner strength. Comment below on other tips to help others out as well!
reply
Remember, your self-worth is inherent and doesn't depend on external approval. Here are some tips to get you started: Focus on your values and goals. What truly matters to you
Celebrate your accomplishments, big and small. Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, even when you make mistakes. This journey is all about building your inner strength. Comment below on other tips to help others out as well!
reply
Psych2go
Remember, your self-worth is inherent and doesn't depend on external approval. Here are some tips to get you started: Focus on your values and goals. What truly matters to you
Celebrate your accomplishments, big and small. Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, even when you make mistakes. This journey is all about building your inner strength. Comment below on other tips to help others out as well!
reply
Remember, your self-worth is inherent and doesn't depend on external approval. Here are some tips to get you started: Focus on your values and goals. What truly matters to you
Celebrate your accomplishments, big and small. Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, even when you make mistakes. This journey is all about building your inner strength. Comment below on other tips to help others out as well!
reply
psych2go
Awesome video as always, P2G. One thing I learned this week is when I validated myself on a recent Zoom meeting, another person in the group said they liked that I celebrated myself. My self validation is attractive to others. And I like being able to see myself clearly.
By the way, I love that there’s anime fans on the P2G teamit’s apparent in the art and wonderful. Makes this anime fan dang proud.
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Awesome video as always, P2G. One thing I learned this week is when I validated myself on a recent Zoom meeting, another person in the group said they liked that I celebrated myself. My self validation is attractive to others. And I like being able to see myself clearly.
By the way, I love that there’s anime fans on the P2G teamit’s apparent in the art and wonderful. Makes this anime fan dang proud.
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DanceLuvah1416
Still working on loving and appreciating for who and what I am. But I’m taking little steps after that first one it’s tough but hearing yourself say I’m proud of you or you’re doing great when it comes to taking care of myself makes all the worthwhile. So take your time and appreciate the little victories
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Still working on loving and appreciating for who and what I am. But I’m taking little steps after that first one it’s tough but hearing yourself say I’m proud of you or you’re doing great when it comes to taking care of myself makes all the worthwhile. So take your time and appreciate the little victories
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A55a551n
Timestamps
1. Recognise the cycle 0: 49
2. Practice self-appreciation 1: 27
3. Try rejection therapy 1: 54
4. Set personal goals 2: 40
5. Listen to your intuition 3: 22
6. Use self-care to self-validate 4: 03
Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. Sorry this is so late.
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Timestamps
1. Recognise the cycle 0: 49
2. Practice self-appreciation 1: 27
3. Try rejection therapy 1: 54
4. Set personal goals 2: 40
5. Listen to your intuition 3: 22
6. Use self-care to self-validate 4: 03
Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. Sorry this is so late.
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Melomeda
I’m always seeking approval for others, because I’m always worried I’m not good enough and so I have to check with them to make sure it’s okay. I haven’t watched it just yet but I’m going to and hopefully it’ll help me stop being so clingy/self judge mental or whatever to myself.
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I’m always seeking approval for others, because I’m always worried I’m not good enough and so I have to check with them to make sure it’s okay. I haven’t watched it just yet but I’m going to and hopefully it’ll help me stop being so clingy/self judge mental or whatever to myself.
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Luckystoic
My sweet sweeeeeet STEPMOM passed away from Cancer, bacterial meningitis, lungs infection, kidney failure, fits, strokes internal bleeding and finally heart failure. She was only 48 year old , but I know she’s in Heaven! She wasn’t just my mom, but my best friend. Please pray for her.
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My sweet sweeeeeet STEPMOM passed away from Cancer, bacterial meningitis, lungs infection, kidney failure, fits, strokes internal bleeding and finally heart failure. She was only 48 year old , but I know she’s in Heaven! She wasn’t just my mom, but my best friend. Please pray for her.
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rishipiyakar
This video popped up during my mid-year exam and it really gave what I needed to hear. Recently my marks have been dropping and i am starting to feel like I am not able to live up to my teachers and my own expectations. I really needed this! Thanks, Psych2Go!
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This video popped up during my mid-year exam and it really gave what I needed to hear. Recently my marks have been dropping and i am starting to feel like I am not able to live up to my teachers and my own expectations. I really needed this! Thanks, Psych2Go!
reply
noobzito2
Timestamp!
-0: 50 Recognize the cycle
-1: 27 Practice self-appreciation
-1: 41 Keep a self appreciation journal
-1: 54 Try rejecting therapy
-2: 40 Set personal goals
-3: 23 Listen to your intuition
-4: 04 Use self care to validate
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Timestamp!
-0: 50 Recognize the cycle
-1: 27 Practice self-appreciation
-1: 41 Keep a self appreciation journal
-1: 54 Try rejecting therapy
-2: 40 Set personal goals
-3: 23 Listen to your intuition
-4: 04 Use self care to validate
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FlynnFromTaiga
It took me years to silence inner voice, which longed for external validation. I got better at understanding myself and learnt how to recognise my real needs when I crave external validation. Made my life much better. I am much happier now.
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It took me years to silence inner voice, which longed for external validation. I got better at understanding myself and learnt how to recognise my real needs when I crave external validation. Made my life much better. I am much happier now.
reply
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