How To Stop People Pleasing
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Date: 2023-08-20
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Comments and reviews: 25
Jhienja
i think i am a people pleaser but im not doing it for seeking others validation. its hard for me to say no when someone asked me something wether its simple like doing their tasks or more complex things, especially if that person is special ones to me. i even sacrifice my needs, reputation and constantly lying to my parents just to fulfill that person needs even if i feel bad and uncomfortable. i even try to deny it at first but that person wont accept and dont care how i feel and if i dont do it that person will break down and depressed. so i always do what that person want. i do what others want and hard to say no not because i seek for their validation, but its just i feel bad if i dont do it, i feel bad if i deny and i dont want make people feel bad or sad.
one of my parent is strict and critical since i was a little girl. if i didnt do something that meet expectation, one of my parent will mad at me. i grow up to be afraid of their existence, i always feel nervous when i hear their footsteps, if they in same room at me i will anxious and constantly think, did i do something wrong? did i forget to do something? is this room a mess? should i tidy anything? and so on. its hard for me to do daily and act like nothing is wrong when im with them but inside i am shaking and just want to leave.
is this make sense at all?
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i think i am a people pleaser but im not doing it for seeking others validation. its hard for me to say no when someone asked me something wether its simple like doing their tasks or more complex things, especially if that person is special ones to me. i even sacrifice my needs, reputation and constantly lying to my parents just to fulfill that person needs even if i feel bad and uncomfortable. i even try to deny it at first but that person wont accept and dont care how i feel and if i dont do it that person will break down and depressed. so i always do what that person want. i do what others want and hard to say no not because i seek for their validation, but its just i feel bad if i dont do it, i feel bad if i deny and i dont want make people feel bad or sad.
one of my parent is strict and critical since i was a little girl. if i didnt do something that meet expectation, one of my parent will mad at me. i grow up to be afraid of their existence, i always feel nervous when i hear their footsteps, if they in same room at me i will anxious and constantly think, did i do something wrong? did i forget to do something? is this room a mess? should i tidy anything? and so on. its hard for me to do daily and act like nothing is wrong when im with them but inside i am shaking and just want to leave.
is this make sense at all?
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Sofie
I have been a people pleaser all my life. And I started realising it now. Earlier I just to believe it was ok, it was necessary to keep others first because otherwise they will not accept me. But now are started realising that it wasn't like that. I think for others, they become happy, just one mistake or just once if I want to think about myself, they start calling me selfish. I have given away my self respect, confidence, mental health, to please other who are never satisfied. No matter what you do for others, they are still gonna talk behind your back. I don't know how to say no. If someone is harming me, and I know it, I still don't wanna hurt that person the same way and continue let them hurt me. I am so tired of all this now. I have given away my life and priorities to satisfy those people who'll never become happy. Maybe because I was taught this way from childhood that prioritising yourself is selfish. And now I have become a people pleaser and now my parents wonder why I never care about myself or speak for myself
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I have been a people pleaser all my life. And I started realising it now. Earlier I just to believe it was ok, it was necessary to keep others first because otherwise they will not accept me. But now are started realising that it wasn't like that. I think for others, they become happy, just one mistake or just once if I want to think about myself, they start calling me selfish. I have given away my self respect, confidence, mental health, to please other who are never satisfied. No matter what you do for others, they are still gonna talk behind your back. I don't know how to say no. If someone is harming me, and I know it, I still don't wanna hurt that person the same way and continue let them hurt me. I am so tired of all this now. I have given away my life and priorities to satisfy those people who'll never become happy. Maybe because I was taught this way from childhood that prioritising yourself is selfish. And now I have become a people pleaser and now my parents wonder why I never care about myself or speak for myself
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Random
My experience would probably be, I finally muster up the courage to do something for myself. A little treat like going to see a movie or go on a shopping trip. I'm ready to finally have a day for me. and then, someone asks for help and I just. cave in.
And these are good people I'm talking about. Friends, family, work colleagues, who would almost certainly understand if I said no. But I just get this compulsion to put myself second. And, it hurts. It honestly sucks because I was so happy and excited for that Day Out and I cancel it because I wasn't brave enough to risk a conflict that either wouldn't happen or wouldn't have been as bad as I thought it would be.
I've always been a bit of a peacekeeper. I don't like fights and I wanted people to like me or at least not be mad at me.
But, identifying it is the first step towards getting better and, this vid has helped. At this point, I'd honestly rather deal with a conflict than feel like this every time I turn myself down for the sake of keeping up appearances.
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My experience would probably be, I finally muster up the courage to do something for myself. A little treat like going to see a movie or go on a shopping trip. I'm ready to finally have a day for me. and then, someone asks for help and I just. cave in.
And these are good people I'm talking about. Friends, family, work colleagues, who would almost certainly understand if I said no. But I just get this compulsion to put myself second. And, it hurts. It honestly sucks because I was so happy and excited for that Day Out and I cancel it because I wasn't brave enough to risk a conflict that either wouldn't happen or wouldn't have been as bad as I thought it would be.
I've always been a bit of a peacekeeper. I don't like fights and I wanted people to like me or at least not be mad at me.
But, identifying it is the first step towards getting better and, this vid has helped. At this point, I'd honestly rather deal with a conflict than feel like this every time I turn myself down for the sake of keeping up appearances.
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H.
Sorry to break it in front of you all
But I feel the word people pleaser is also a degoratory term told by the same kind of ones who bully you for your kindness to make a fool out of yourself or make you feel worse for being kind.
People Being called manipulative or being narcissistic for being kind is literally gaslighting. And perhaps some of them are in fact manipulative and narcissistic to you.
You can turn it 180 degrees on peoples intentions
But so I can turn it 180 degrees again. And so on, and so on.
The problem is Calling people names like people pleaser or narcissistic for what you are while people are able to change, isnt gonna make it solve problems and suck people into a self fulfilling prophecy. And it will all become insults to another used by other to bully you
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Sorry to break it in front of you all
But I feel the word people pleaser is also a degoratory term told by the same kind of ones who bully you for your kindness to make a fool out of yourself or make you feel worse for being kind.
People Being called manipulative or being narcissistic for being kind is literally gaslighting. And perhaps some of them are in fact manipulative and narcissistic to you.
You can turn it 180 degrees on peoples intentions
But so I can turn it 180 degrees again. And so on, and so on.
The problem is Calling people names like people pleaser or narcissistic for what you are while people are able to change, isnt gonna make it solve problems and suck people into a self fulfilling prophecy. And it will all become insults to another used by other to bully you
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Kai_
i have been pleasing peopel since i was little that is because my parents always told me to do my best but i took it proboly wrong, also i got bullied since a very young age but i didn't know why so i started to change myself to order to them liking me again, until i was 12 i didn't know what i was doing is wrong but its very hard to stop with it. I was always scared that if i say no or ask for help people tought i was being weak, or not smart enough. I awlays putted people infront of myself and i still do. I have no idea how to stop doing it. I am scared i let people down or they get angry with me. i hate the feeling of not able to say no, bc in the inside me is screaming say no. Don't please them and more but still i ignore it, it goes automatically, i hate it so much
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i have been pleasing peopel since i was little that is because my parents always told me to do my best but i took it proboly wrong, also i got bullied since a very young age but i didn't know why so i started to change myself to order to them liking me again, until i was 12 i didn't know what i was doing is wrong but its very hard to stop with it. I was always scared that if i say no or ask for help people tought i was being weak, or not smart enough. I awlays putted people infront of myself and i still do. I have no idea how to stop doing it. I am scared i let people down or they get angry with me. i hate the feeling of not able to say no, bc in the inside me is screaming say no. Don't please them and more but still i ignore it, it goes automatically, i hate it so much
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Zuzana
Been a people pleaser but took me an eternity to realise. I now do, I can't stand conflict, I'd genuinely do anything just to avoid negative emotions of other people potentially caused by me, they deal with a lot and I don't wanna add up to what they're going through with my bullsht. I'm aware that they don't care and possibly aren't even bothered with the conflict but the thought of making someone angry about something just because I decided to say something that I KNEW would not make them happy and would possibly make them mad, knowing that I am aware of this makes me so not wanna do it, cause I know that if I sometimes speak my mind it will make them mad and because I know that I choose not to do it, even tho it means I don't stand up for myself. help?
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Been a people pleaser but took me an eternity to realise. I now do, I can't stand conflict, I'd genuinely do anything just to avoid negative emotions of other people potentially caused by me, they deal with a lot and I don't wanna add up to what they're going through with my bullsht. I'm aware that they don't care and possibly aren't even bothered with the conflict but the thought of making someone angry about something just because I decided to say something that I KNEW would not make them happy and would possibly make them mad, knowing that I am aware of this makes me so not wanna do it, cause I know that if I sometimes speak my mind it will make them mad and because I know that I choose not to do it, even tho it means I don't stand up for myself. help?
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Galaxy
I can't remember when or why I started people pleasing, but it's slowly getting out of hand for me. Recently in group activities with odd ones out, I always volunteer to leave. I want my friends to be happy. It doesn't really matter if I leave the group as long as their happy, even if I don't like the outcome for me. It's my birthday soon and I don't want to throw a party because I feel bad for making people feel like they have to take time out their life to celebrate me. I don't matter enough for that and I'm fine with that. I've known that for a while anyway. I'm scarred of saying or doing something that will hurt someone. I carry regret for a long time, even over small things.
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I can't remember when or why I started people pleasing, but it's slowly getting out of hand for me. Recently in group activities with odd ones out, I always volunteer to leave. I want my friends to be happy. It doesn't really matter if I leave the group as long as their happy, even if I don't like the outcome for me. It's my birthday soon and I don't want to throw a party because I feel bad for making people feel like they have to take time out their life to celebrate me. I don't matter enough for that and I'm fine with that. I've known that for a while anyway. I'm scarred of saying or doing something that will hurt someone. I carry regret for a long time, even over small things.
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Mangoo
The only reason I came here is that my best friend is always ignoring me. Like I'm trying to learn how to not get too comfortable with her just in case she just cuts me out. I've always been worried about it but I guess I should always be prepared for the worst. Never knew this would ever happen but here I am. Our friendship was really good but the beginning of this year is where she is always making excuses not to talk to me, she and my friends created their own group chat, she talks behind my back. But I just care for her and I guess it's something dumb but if she drops me at least I knew it is coming.
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The only reason I came here is that my best friend is always ignoring me. Like I'm trying to learn how to not get too comfortable with her just in case she just cuts me out. I've always been worried about it but I guess I should always be prepared for the worst. Never knew this would ever happen but here I am. Our friendship was really good but the beginning of this year is where she is always making excuses not to talk to me, she and my friends created their own group chat, she talks behind my back. But I just care for her and I guess it's something dumb but if she drops me at least I knew it is coming.
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Jacob
I have always been a people pleaser I had to quit my job as a waiter to get sober. Ill be one year completely sober, April 10th, 2023. Best decisions Ive made in my adult life. I now look within myself more often for validation. Although I still struggle with anxiety, relationships and other things, I now see myself as more than capable of being a responsible adult. I dont stretch myself too thin, much anymore. Im moved out of my parents house now and signing up for Hospitality Management at a college close to where I live. Gratitude is for everyone, but I deserve full credit, to and from myself.
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I have always been a people pleaser I had to quit my job as a waiter to get sober. Ill be one year completely sober, April 10th, 2023. Best decisions Ive made in my adult life. I now look within myself more often for validation. Although I still struggle with anxiety, relationships and other things, I now see myself as more than capable of being a responsible adult. I dont stretch myself too thin, much anymore. Im moved out of my parents house now and signing up for Hospitality Management at a college close to where I live. Gratitude is for everyone, but I deserve full credit, to and from myself.
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rawkchick_
This girl wants to be my friend but she seems to keep breaking boundaries. She's always trying to get into my phone and in my stuff in general. Its hard for me to say no to her. She keeps on controlling my decisions and everytime I say no she keeps insisting until I give in. She bugs me a lot in general shes very touchy and grabby and I dont like it. I dont know how to avoid her or cut ties because she's in one of my classes. I dont wanna have to sit through a class with her in the same space as me. And I dont have any friends either so I think I should appreciate her presence.
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This girl wants to be my friend but she seems to keep breaking boundaries. She's always trying to get into my phone and in my stuff in general. Its hard for me to say no to her. She keeps on controlling my decisions and everytime I say no she keeps insisting until I give in. She bugs me a lot in general shes very touchy and grabby and I dont like it. I dont know how to avoid her or cut ties because she's in one of my classes. I dont wanna have to sit through a class with her in the same space as me. And I dont have any friends either so I think I should appreciate her presence.
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Colten
When you stop the only thing I can say is be prepared to lose all your friends. They never were in it for you. When you stop you realize that no one really gives a shit about you. It's a harsh reality to accept but it is the truth. No one actually cares about you. I used to be the nice guy. Now that I stopped I currently live by myself and don't talk to many people let alone go out to socialize. I spend time alone mainly. But I am able to accomplish things I normally wouldn't have been able to due to having time.
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When you stop the only thing I can say is be prepared to lose all your friends. They never were in it for you. When you stop you realize that no one really gives a shit about you. It's a harsh reality to accept but it is the truth. No one actually cares about you. I used to be the nice guy. Now that I stopped I currently live by myself and don't talk to many people let alone go out to socialize. I spend time alone mainly. But I am able to accomplish things I normally wouldn't have been able to due to having time.
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Kat_forkatties
I have a horrible pair of neighbours that shout when my kids when they are noisy(in the day time), my kids are doing nothing wrong, but my people pleasing is making me try to keep them quiet and getting angry when they aren't. I don't like these people and wish I could just not care about how they feel because I know they don't deserve my respect. I just don't know how to not care about there opinion of me or my family and its eating me up.
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I have a horrible pair of neighbours that shout when my kids when they are noisy(in the day time), my kids are doing nothing wrong, but my people pleasing is making me try to keep them quiet and getting angry when they aren't. I don't like these people and wish I could just not care about how they feel because I know they don't deserve my respect. I just don't know how to not care about there opinion of me or my family and its eating me up.
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Explorer812
If theres anywhere I can take classes to learn to defend myself and my boundaries and learn just in normal conversation with people to be respected and not be a push over, please let me know. my whole life is being ruled by this. its a lot of childhood trauma Im trying to undo by myself but its hard when I freeze up like a deer in headlights, I need someone standing over me to remind me, dont give in. at least til I get the hang of it
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If theres anywhere I can take classes to learn to defend myself and my boundaries and learn just in normal conversation with people to be respected and not be a push over, please let me know. my whole life is being ruled by this. its a lot of childhood trauma Im trying to undo by myself but its hard when I freeze up like a deer in headlights, I need someone standing over me to remind me, dont give in. at least til I get the hang of it
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sk
I have a friend Ive hung out with at school for almost 4 years. So many times Ive tried to make plans to hang out with them, but every time on the day were supposed to do it they back out. Other times theyll try to change the plan to fit around their wants, is that a toxic friend? Ive started to wonder if i need to cut ties with them but Im afraid to because theyre the only person i have to hang out with at school.
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I have a friend Ive hung out with at school for almost 4 years. So many times Ive tried to make plans to hang out with them, but every time on the day were supposed to do it they back out. Other times theyll try to change the plan to fit around their wants, is that a toxic friend? Ive started to wonder if i need to cut ties with them but Im afraid to because theyre the only person i have to hang out with at school.
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Asthetic
Today, I helped a friend of mine in a test and she scored better than me I wasn't bothered cause I like being helpful and what I got in return was she just shouted (so rudely) at me infront of the whole class just to look cool.
Edit: I don't want or expect any favour inreturn of my help ever but atleast just don't throw someone under the bus for your coolness. It takes nothing to be a kind human being.
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Today, I helped a friend of mine in a test and she scored better than me I wasn't bothered cause I like being helpful and what I got in return was she just shouted (so rudely) at me infront of the whole class just to look cool.
Edit: I don't want or expect any favour inreturn of my help ever but atleast just don't throw someone under the bus for your coolness. It takes nothing to be a kind human being.
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Kenneth
Ways I people please sometimes usually goes about doing things that I dont really want to do with people I dont want to be with and it can really be difficult to deal with these situations. I reduce it or at least am learning to reduce it by managing and keeping track of my emotions and how I feel when a situation arises that may make me feel unhappy with a toxic person for example.
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Ways I people please sometimes usually goes about doing things that I dont really want to do with people I dont want to be with and it can really be difficult to deal with these situations. I reduce it or at least am learning to reduce it by managing and keeping track of my emotions and how I feel when a situation arises that may make me feel unhappy with a toxic person for example.
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Sakura
I'm glad this video exists. man people pleasing has changed me into someone I don't really understand and for so long too. Its kinda scary and I feel like I'm only being my true self when I'm alone. never with others. I wonder what its like to feel totally comfortable with others, without worrying what they think and their happiness all the time. it sure does sound nice tho.
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I'm glad this video exists. man people pleasing has changed me into someone I don't really understand and for so long too. Its kinda scary and I feel like I'm only being my true self when I'm alone. never with others. I wonder what its like to feel totally comfortable with others, without worrying what they think and their happiness all the time. it sure does sound nice tho.
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Nour
My mom had always told me when i was a kid that i should care for others feeling and be careful of what others think of me, she is a people pleaser herself and can change her mind many times according to the person she is talking to, Im like a copy of her and that really made me without a personality and Im suffering because i try always to please others
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My mom had always told me when i was a kid that i should care for others feeling and be careful of what others think of me, she is a people pleaser herself and can change her mind many times according to the person she is talking to, Im like a copy of her and that really made me without a personality and Im suffering because i try always to please others
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yasmin
i do so much for people and apologize so often that i feel like no one respects me anymore and i dont blame them. everyone sees me as a person who will always be there and when i cant do that people get mad at me. and i hate feeling like i disappointed them. i rlly dont know what to do cause i have 0 time for myself and to get my things done
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i do so much for people and apologize so often that i feel like no one respects me anymore and i dont blame them. everyone sees me as a person who will always be there and when i cant do that people get mad at me. and i hate feeling like i disappointed them. i rlly dont know what to do cause i have 0 time for myself and to get my things done
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Dustin
These make sense to me, I mean I would like to try to get a job selling my art online, if at all I tell my mom about a job she says NO. It doesn't make it any better to tell her about some job idea after I almost got scammed getting a job. Just proving I'd again be in the wrong for wanting a job I'd actually like
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These make sense to me, I mean I would like to try to get a job selling my art online, if at all I tell my mom about a job she says NO. It doesn't make it any better to tell her about some job idea after I almost got scammed getting a job. Just proving I'd again be in the wrong for wanting a job I'd actually like
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Billy
Dude my brain is just like
Okay everyone hates you do better
Turns into a people pleaser
Okay your trying to hard your friends are toxic? Are you toxic? and your not taking care of yourself
Doesn't mask and starts thinking I'm toxic
Do better
people pleaser
And it's just a loop
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Dude my brain is just like
Okay everyone hates you do better
Turns into a people pleaser
Okay your trying to hard your friends are toxic? Are you toxic? and your not taking care of yourself
Doesn't mask and starts thinking I'm toxic
Do better
people pleaser
And it's just a loop
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Nicoo
Being late and not applogizing for it is wrong. Excessively applogizing after you expressed that you're running late and clearly described the unforseen circumstances to it is people pleasing. There is a fine line and one needs to practice to avoid people pleasing without being rude or unconsiderate.
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Being late and not applogizing for it is wrong. Excessively applogizing after you expressed that you're running late and clearly described the unforseen circumstances to it is people pleasing. There is a fine line and one needs to practice to avoid people pleasing without being rude or unconsiderate.
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allana
I have no idea how to take time for myself. I'm still learning to be okay with being alone but I really struggle with it. I feel I'm at my best when I'm with friends going through something. Idk why i am this way and i wish i could fix it. I also have a problem with apologizing all the time.
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I have no idea how to take time for myself. I'm still learning to be okay with being alone but I really struggle with it. I feel I'm at my best when I'm with friends going through something. Idk why i am this way and i wish i could fix it. I also have a problem with apologizing all the time.
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Turrini
I have a few people in my life that I feel bound to say yes when they propose me plans. I feel like if I say no they will not like me anymore, or think that I am a bad person for them.
I am either removing them or understanding how my needs measure up to theirs and how to act on that.
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I have a few people in my life that I feel bound to say yes when they propose me plans. I feel like if I say no they will not like me anymore, or think that I am a bad person for them.
I am either removing them or understanding how my needs measure up to theirs and how to act on that.
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Boogie
Im a poeple pleaser and lets say two of my closest friends ask me which side im on, Ill be really stressed out because I know Ill be displeasing the other person, and if I dont chose them Ill be displeasing both of them, so those kinds of Situations put a lot of pressure on me
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Im a poeple pleaser and lets say two of my closest friends ask me which side im on, Ill be really stressed out because I know Ill be displeasing the other person, and if I dont chose them Ill be displeasing both of them, so those kinds of Situations put a lot of pressure on me
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