5 Signs You’re Raised in Survival Mode, Not Love
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Date: 2024-08-05
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Comments and reviews: 20
psych2go
Growing up with Autism in a family and school environment where nobody knew anything about Autism led me to grow up in survival mode in almost every way. Had I not had my grandmother to make my childhood less painful, I would not have lived to be a teenager. Despite my mom/aunt doing mountains of research into Autism after I was diagnosed at 9 years old, she did nothing to actually try to adjust to how Autism affects me throughout my whole childhood and even some of my teenage years. Most of my family emotionally neglecting me was the norm for me throughout my 25 years of life. Part of the reason for that is them having their own trauma that they were never able to move on from. Part of it was how the men in the family were raised to be emotionally distant.
My grandmother and closest friends were the only reason I still have my sanity and was able to accept myself as I am. My grandmother has been gone for a couple years, but I still have other people who still help me, accept me, and love me as I am. Even though my blood family is not really a family to me, I have a family of close friends to keep me sane.
What makes things worse with my family is that my parents are in complete denial of how they have treated me. They think that financially supporting me with food and shelter is enough to show they love me, but the fact of the matter is that it isn't. Not that they'll ever see anything other than their own thinking. I've just decided to stop emotionally investing in most of my family because it's just a drain on me.
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Growing up with Autism in a family and school environment where nobody knew anything about Autism led me to grow up in survival mode in almost every way. Had I not had my grandmother to make my childhood less painful, I would not have lived to be a teenager. Despite my mom/aunt doing mountains of research into Autism after I was diagnosed at 9 years old, she did nothing to actually try to adjust to how Autism affects me throughout my whole childhood and even some of my teenage years. Most of my family emotionally neglecting me was the norm for me throughout my 25 years of life. Part of the reason for that is them having their own trauma that they were never able to move on from. Part of it was how the men in the family were raised to be emotionally distant.
My grandmother and closest friends were the only reason I still have my sanity and was able to accept myself as I am. My grandmother has been gone for a couple years, but I still have other people who still help me, accept me, and love me as I am. Even though my blood family is not really a family to me, I have a family of close friends to keep me sane.
What makes things worse with my family is that my parents are in complete denial of how they have treated me. They think that financially supporting me with food and shelter is enough to show they love me, but the fact of the matter is that it isn't. Not that they'll ever see anything other than their own thinking. I've just decided to stop emotionally investing in most of my family because it's just a drain on me.
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KhoiruunisaRF
This is me. Both my parents often spent their times at home, but I feel like they are not being there for me at the same time. They feed me, gives me shelter & act fast when I hurt physically but it's always feel like they did so because they don't want to tainted their reputation over other family members or neighbours.
I grew up as a middle child with my older sister & little brother where we were often clash & fights against each other in quite a brutal way. It was a chaotic household in a more destructive way it's a miracle that I could survived & nobody really ended up a criminal.
Now, we still have a kind of sour relationship because of past mistakes & I become a very sensitive person who always looking at what other people say & do to me in detail. I watch them closely, wary & prone to suspect others (having trust issue toward others. I can see if something is wrong from a person by the way they talk or from their body language, because I very used to being alert everytime & it's a necessary tools for me to survive. I don't mind communicate with others but being surrounded by people makes me uncomfortable because that means I should be alert everytime as if people could hurt me anytime.
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This is me. Both my parents often spent their times at home, but I feel like they are not being there for me at the same time. They feed me, gives me shelter & act fast when I hurt physically but it's always feel like they did so because they don't want to tainted their reputation over other family members or neighbours.
I grew up as a middle child with my older sister & little brother where we were often clash & fights against each other in quite a brutal way. It was a chaotic household in a more destructive way it's a miracle that I could survived & nobody really ended up a criminal.
Now, we still have a kind of sour relationship because of past mistakes & I become a very sensitive person who always looking at what other people say & do to me in detail. I watch them closely, wary & prone to suspect others (having trust issue toward others. I can see if something is wrong from a person by the way they talk or from their body language, because I very used to being alert everytime & it's a necessary tools for me to survive. I don't mind communicate with others but being surrounded by people makes me uncomfortable because that means I should be alert everytime as if people could hurt me anytime.
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claireknight11928
Today I was reminded by one of my parents again of how they think my hobbies and passions are a waste of time and money, things and activities that make me happy or experiences I had that became beautiful memories. The moment I tried to share some of it, I've been reminded that I should be focusing on something else. That I should make time for other things and not waste it on whatever I did that they deem unworthy or unnecessary. Then I watched this video and teared up multiple times. I struggle every day with the things I want or have to do, I feel bad if I take too much time off, I find it hard to keep my motivation, even for things I normally enjoy or that I'd like to do. Hours pass with me doing nothing on my bed. Some days I feel better and am more active and I can easily brush off whatever they say to me, other times a few words from them are enough to shatter my serenity. I wish to get stronger and to feel better one day, to feel accomplished for who I am and to stand on my own two feet, doing what I truly strive to do. And if they'll appreciate me then, I'll be happy. If they won't. I'll still be happy for me. Thank you for your amazing content, as always
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Today I was reminded by one of my parents again of how they think my hobbies and passions are a waste of time and money, things and activities that make me happy or experiences I had that became beautiful memories. The moment I tried to share some of it, I've been reminded that I should be focusing on something else. That I should make time for other things and not waste it on whatever I did that they deem unworthy or unnecessary. Then I watched this video and teared up multiple times. I struggle every day with the things I want or have to do, I feel bad if I take too much time off, I find it hard to keep my motivation, even for things I normally enjoy or that I'd like to do. Hours pass with me doing nothing on my bed. Some days I feel better and am more active and I can easily brush off whatever they say to me, other times a few words from them are enough to shatter my serenity. I wish to get stronger and to feel better one day, to feel accomplished for who I am and to stand on my own two feet, doing what I truly strive to do. And if they'll appreciate me then, I'll be happy. If they won't. I'll still be happy for me. Thank you for your amazing content, as always
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maxmanchik
I don't know. I have the symptoms of being in survival mode, like trying hard not to rely on others and feelings isolated, feeling touch deprived at stuff. But I don't really remember anything that abd happening. Sure, I was physically reprimanded when I was like 6 years old maybe and that happened only like twice, but after that when I was like 10-14 years old the only punishments I would receive for being a dumb irresponsible kid was like getting my phone and laptop taken away, because I wouldn't want to sleep at night because of it. But I also remember that the last time I ever received like genuine physical affection from my parents was when I was like 8-9, when I had hard time falling asleep and my mom would sometimes come to my room and sit on the bed next to me, patting me on the head. I don't think my parents are bad at all, they're caring and the only reason why they didn't help me with school is because I never asked them. So, I'm gonna assume that it's probably because of how I was treated in school and how unfriendly the environment there was that I just kinda developed to this kind of survival mode
Edit: added more context
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I don't know. I have the symptoms of being in survival mode, like trying hard not to rely on others and feelings isolated, feeling touch deprived at stuff. But I don't really remember anything that abd happening. Sure, I was physically reprimanded when I was like 6 years old maybe and that happened only like twice, but after that when I was like 10-14 years old the only punishments I would receive for being a dumb irresponsible kid was like getting my phone and laptop taken away, because I wouldn't want to sleep at night because of it. But I also remember that the last time I ever received like genuine physical affection from my parents was when I was like 8-9, when I had hard time falling asleep and my mom would sometimes come to my room and sit on the bed next to me, patting me on the head. I don't think my parents are bad at all, they're caring and the only reason why they didn't help me with school is because I never asked them. So, I'm gonna assume that it's probably because of how I was treated in school and how unfriendly the environment there was that I just kinda developed to this kind of survival mode
Edit: added more context
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BaconBabe87
This video kinda calls me out
My father never said sweet things nor gave hugs or touch. He was pretty much just there in between working. And always criticizing. My mother however was the other way. Lots of love and hugs, cared for ect. However she failed me when i developed depression. Told me what are you crying for when i hit the bottom. This made me close up on how i felt, until she got injured (lost work and colleagues) and developed depression herself, now all of a sudden we, the family, had to show HER understanding ect. Yea that resentment runs deep cos it hurt.
My father sadly died of cancer in 2022. We were on good terms luckily. I knew of his past, and found out he didnt know what it felt to be loved, by his parents. Generational trauma anyone
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This video kinda calls me out
My father never said sweet things nor gave hugs or touch. He was pretty much just there in between working. And always criticizing. My mother however was the other way. Lots of love and hugs, cared for ect. However she failed me when i developed depression. Told me what are you crying for when i hit the bottom. This made me close up on how i felt, until she got injured (lost work and colleagues) and developed depression herself, now all of a sudden we, the family, had to show HER understanding ect. Yea that resentment runs deep cos it hurt.
My father sadly died of cancer in 2022. We were on good terms luckily. I knew of his past, and found out he didnt know what it felt to be loved, by his parents. Generational trauma anyone
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kousartahir9003
Hey can you plz make a video about my problem What happened is that I really liked a girl in a brother way she was older than me but we were going through the same problems as me and that’s the reason I started watching your videos but suddenly one day I had to shift some where away we both were very sad she was also crying in the inside she was very close to me and had been through the same trauma as me but then just because I’m tall her parents thought I was her age and that’s the only thing I knew after that she started ignoring me but I could see that she was forced to but I can’t stop but think why she just didn’t close this like a little more mature way like imagine saying hi to some one you loved as a brother ignoring you with a bad face
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Hey can you plz make a video about my problem What happened is that I really liked a girl in a brother way she was older than me but we were going through the same problems as me and that’s the reason I started watching your videos but suddenly one day I had to shift some where away we both were very sad she was also crying in the inside she was very close to me and had been through the same trauma as me but then just because I’m tall her parents thought I was her age and that’s the only thing I knew after that she started ignoring me but I could see that she was forced to but I can’t stop but think why she just didn’t close this like a little more mature way like imagine saying hi to some one you loved as a brother ignoring you with a bad face
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angb6616
Being around decent people in a good work environment made me realize how consideration can feel.
Rough to say that when I’m in a relationship. Survival mode survivor too, he works on his issues a little less effectively than I, but we still try to be there for each other and work thru. He just wasn’t trained’ to consider other people’s needs adjacent to his own. Ie he’s hungry, knows I’m hungry but having trouble deciding what to eat. instead of making something he knows I’ll eat if just put in front of me, he’ll make himself something (that could easily be doubled for two) and leave me to sort it out myself eventually. Or he’ll grab a plate for his food and forget that I too need a plate for my food.
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Being around decent people in a good work environment made me realize how consideration can feel.
Rough to say that when I’m in a relationship. Survival mode survivor too, he works on his issues a little less effectively than I, but we still try to be there for each other and work thru. He just wasn’t trained’ to consider other people’s needs adjacent to his own. Ie he’s hungry, knows I’m hungry but having trouble deciding what to eat. instead of making something he knows I’ll eat if just put in front of me, he’ll make himself something (that could easily be doubled for two) and leave me to sort it out myself eventually. Or he’ll grab a plate for his food and forget that I too need a plate for my food.
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psych2go
Oh common, sometimes you go harder on people because you love them and not everyone just have this weird stuff. Hey man, did you eve gone to extreme different life situation good and bad and it kinda changed you the way that you kinda now belong nowhere And there is no way back, because you grew you saw these perspectives. Only think you want to do is to do the best for you, if you could and extreme loneliness mood is not debilitating your process. I wander if I broke someone heart because I had right to do so, because those are valid reasons they don't see it. Or that I just thought that I was not giving them enough so I thought I am just nothing and destroyed stuff
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Oh common, sometimes you go harder on people because you love them and not everyone just have this weird stuff. Hey man, did you eve gone to extreme different life situation good and bad and it kinda changed you the way that you kinda now belong nowhere And there is no way back, because you grew you saw these perspectives. Only think you want to do is to do the best for you, if you could and extreme loneliness mood is not debilitating your process. I wander if I broke someone heart because I had right to do so, because those are valid reasons they don't see it. Or that I just thought that I was not giving them enough so I thought I am just nothing and destroyed stuff
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Rakenify88
The problem is. you won’t be able to explain or talk more about how you were raised like that because for some people they have forgotten most of it. Yeah by seeking a professional therapist they can help a certain extend but if you cannot give them examples then they are giving you help by the information they have.
I have been on survival mode and I did not get the emotional support when I was a kid at home and especially I did not get support from parents when I got bullied. I saw a therapist but could only tell a few of what I remember. I think we all should be proud of ourself that we till this day are a survivor of how we got raised. We are strong
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The problem is. you won’t be able to explain or talk more about how you were raised like that because for some people they have forgotten most of it. Yeah by seeking a professional therapist they can help a certain extend but if you cannot give them examples then they are giving you help by the information they have.
I have been on survival mode and I did not get the emotional support when I was a kid at home and especially I did not get support from parents when I got bullied. I saw a therapist but could only tell a few of what I remember. I think we all should be proud of ourself that we till this day are a survivor of how we got raised. We are strong
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ladyjuxtaposition
Of all of these five things, it was the structure. My parents were married before I was born then divorced when I was little. I was able to see my dad during the weekends and holidays. However my mom got remarried and then divorced again, had a boyfriend slash roommate and that seals the in survival mode for me. Structure totally broken, what is even structure Now I’m recently engaged to my partner of 7 years and doing everything in my power to be sure I don’t be like my mom. Though she is doing a lot better so I can too. I just had to deal with the uncertainty and the anxiety from my upbringing.
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Of all of these five things, it was the structure. My parents were married before I was born then divorced when I was little. I was able to see my dad during the weekends and holidays. However my mom got remarried and then divorced again, had a boyfriend slash roommate and that seals the in survival mode for me. Structure totally broken, what is even structure Now I’m recently engaged to my partner of 7 years and doing everything in my power to be sure I don’t be like my mom. Though she is doing a lot better so I can too. I just had to deal with the uncertainty and the anxiety from my upbringing.
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Angelique448
Thank you for this video.
I've always wondered why I never really feel safe at home and why I always found myself so much more free being away from my parents. And this video basically helped me realise and validate why I'm feeling this way.
Being always raised in survival mode and having lots of deep emotional scars in my heart, I despise my parents. But there's this small part of me that keeps saying I want to make them proud even if I knew that they will never see my achievements in life.
I wonder how I can overcome this Always wanting their acceptance: '(
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Thank you for this video.
I've always wondered why I never really feel safe at home and why I always found myself so much more free being away from my parents. And this video basically helped me realise and validate why I'm feeling this way.
Being always raised in survival mode and having lots of deep emotional scars in my heart, I despise my parents. But there's this small part of me that keeps saying I want to make them proud even if I knew that they will never see my achievements in life.
I wonder how I can overcome this Always wanting their acceptance: '(
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bloopertanooki415
I'm no psychologist, but I would like to add that erratic praise can be as detrimental if not more than criticism.
When I was a kid I was praised excessively when getting perfect grades or behaving well, but when I arrived home with bad news or something lower than a B all the praise dissapeared and I was told I was mediocre or lazy. This really messed me up and made me into a very anxious and impulsive adult.
No one learns how to be a parent, but please. If you have problems on your own, do NOT project them to your children!
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I'm no psychologist, but I would like to add that erratic praise can be as detrimental if not more than criticism.
When I was a kid I was praised excessively when getting perfect grades or behaving well, but when I arrived home with bad news or something lower than a B all the praise dissapeared and I was told I was mediocre or lazy. This really messed me up and made me into a very anxious and impulsive adult.
No one learns how to be a parent, but please. If you have problems on your own, do NOT project them to your children!
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Sweatyemoboy
Unpopular opinion: being raised harshly (not mean) can have benefits. It is meant to be hard. Life is hard, God made it to suck, we need to make it better. Does not mean your parents should not love you, but they should not make life easy for you. That’s your responsibility. I don’t want to have a happy childhood. Most of ur life will be adulthood, so I don’t really care about childhood happiness. Im 13, and im growing myself up faster, and i understand that being an adult won’t be easy, but it will be worth it for me.
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Unpopular opinion: being raised harshly (not mean) can have benefits. It is meant to be hard. Life is hard, God made it to suck, we need to make it better. Does not mean your parents should not love you, but they should not make life easy for you. That’s your responsibility. I don’t want to have a happy childhood. Most of ur life will be adulthood, so I don’t really care about childhood happiness. Im 13, and im growing myself up faster, and i understand that being an adult won’t be easy, but it will be worth it for me.
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carlosmendoza1177
This video is so accurate that it's scary hahaha, but really, my parents love me and my brother so much, that has never been an issue, but they didn't knew how to express that, so they were strict with me, the rarely acknowledged my success, they also were constantly angry and fighting, and I remember thinking it was my fault, I also grew with emocional neglect that I carried away until today, it's very difficult, but at least now I am taking therapy, so I can heal and move on
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This video is so accurate that it's scary hahaha, but really, my parents love me and my brother so much, that has never been an issue, but they didn't knew how to express that, so they were strict with me, the rarely acknowledged my success, they also were constantly angry and fighting, and I remember thinking it was my fault, I also grew with emocional neglect that I carried away until today, it's very difficult, but at least now I am taking therapy, so I can heal and move on
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Sorchia56
I broke the chain when I found out I was pregnant with our first child! Was in therapy the week after finding out I was pregnant and learned how to touch and be touched without fear or anxiety. How to hug, yes literally how to properly hug. My wonderful husband saw someone beautiful inside of me that I didn’t know existed. We were in therapy together. Our kids are mid 20’s and know they are loved beyond measure, unconditionally forever!
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I broke the chain when I found out I was pregnant with our first child! Was in therapy the week after finding out I was pregnant and learned how to touch and be touched without fear or anxiety. How to hug, yes literally how to properly hug. My wonderful husband saw someone beautiful inside of me that I didn’t know existed. We were in therapy together. Our kids are mid 20’s and know they are loved beyond measure, unconditionally forever!
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monikaking9827
I felt I grew up in survival mode when I was growing up my mom would throw fits by throwing things against the floor of wall shaking the table and kicked a whole in the cupboard while screaming and a few months after she kicked a hole in the cupboard she just said it was because I was stirring stuff up but I wasn't she just refuses to stop throwing fits she never did anything that hurt me physically but it was all phycological damaging
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I felt I grew up in survival mode when I was growing up my mom would throw fits by throwing things against the floor of wall shaking the table and kicked a whole in the cupboard while screaming and a few months after she kicked a hole in the cupboard she just said it was because I was stirring stuff up but I wasn't she just refuses to stop throwing fits she never did anything that hurt me physically but it was all phycological damaging
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TheComedyGeek
To criticize me, they would have had to notice me or care about me and they weren't going to go either of those things. True for both my parents and my siblings (all older. I got nothing. No input, guidance, or acknowledgement at all. I was wallpaper.
As for structure, any structure I had, I had to make myself.
I was a feral child who raised himself right in the middle of a normal middle class home.
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To criticize me, they would have had to notice me or care about me and they weren't going to go either of those things. True for both my parents and my siblings (all older. I got nothing. No input, guidance, or acknowledgement at all. I was wallpaper.
As for structure, any structure I had, I had to make myself.
I was a feral child who raised himself right in the middle of a normal middle class home.
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dionnagal5047
I’ve realized I grew up in survival mode when I reached my mid 20s 5yrs ago. Growing up in a middle class black home, that’s the majority of my community’s struggles. I had a great childhood but no emotional support or patience from my mom and it made me want to break that cycle when I get married and have kids someday so I can be vulnerable and loving to my loved ones.
This is a great video
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I’ve realized I grew up in survival mode when I reached my mid 20s 5yrs ago. Growing up in a middle class black home, that’s the majority of my community’s struggles. I had a great childhood but no emotional support or patience from my mom and it made me want to break that cycle when I get married and have kids someday so I can be vulnerable and loving to my loved ones.
This is a great video
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delphantasist2254
All 5 of these happened for me
What upsets me though is I failed to realise most of this as abuse until I ran away. That was 15 years ago. No matter how much I repair myself, see therapy, take medication and such, I still feel as broken as I did at 'home. ' Even just socilasing has become so difficult. Just a couple of days ago I lost a bunch of friends because I was too offensive (I think)
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All 5 of these happened for me
What upsets me though is I failed to realise most of this as abuse until I ran away. That was 15 years ago. No matter how much I repair myself, see therapy, take medication and such, I still feel as broken as I did at 'home. ' Even just socilasing has become so difficult. Just a couple of days ago I lost a bunch of friends because I was too offensive (I think)
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sointroverted
1. I am so critical of myself cause I'm always hearing it, words of affirmation are my love language.
2. I get awkward when it comes to physical touch.
3. Idk who my father is
4. Definitely, I was not protected, she was an alcoholic.
5. i have trust issues, MDD, anxiety and have abandonment issues. I feel like a failure if I have to ask for help or rely on anyone.
Oh well.
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1. I am so critical of myself cause I'm always hearing it, words of affirmation are my love language.
2. I get awkward when it comes to physical touch.
3. Idk who my father is
4. Definitely, I was not protected, she was an alcoholic.
5. i have trust issues, MDD, anxiety and have abandonment issues. I feel like a failure if I have to ask for help or rely on anyone.
Oh well.
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