The ethical dilemma of deathbed wishes - Sarah Stroud and Michael Vazquez
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Date: 2025-05-31
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Comments and reviews: 20
ashroskell
I’m not happy with the hypothetical example used here. It was an egregiously unrealistic and unreasonable, promise, to ask of anyone, highly unlikely to be an issue in anyone’s real life. It also has different meaning to two people who have every reason to expect to live long lives. The foundation for their promises was based upon these and not unforeseen factors.
So, when Yvonne reminds Zena of her expectation, she is actually asking for a wholly new undertaking, similar to, but actually unrelated to the original commitment.
Most importantly, however, you also did not raise the possibility that Yvonne may not have been in her right mind. Ruling out actual brain damage does not preclude the possibility of extremely impaired judgement and emotional instability on the part of a person who has just suffered horrific, unexpected and fatal injuries. Nor can we reliably state that Zena was not similarly impaired by the sudden shock of her circumstances, her pending emotional loss and her current emotional trauma at the time this egregiously unrealistic promise was extracted from her.
So the flaws in this example can be summarised as:
A) Too contrived and specific to be plausible.
A. 1) So specific as to be vanishingly unlikely to apply to anyone’s lived experience (real or imagined) which brings us to
B) Too specific to be useful as a thought experiment. Consider other popular thought experiment ethical dilemmas, e. g. The Trolly Problem. This dilemma is generalisable to the extent that it can be applied to anyone, however rare the set of circumstances, despite their unlikeliness, because they do not rely on a set of specific personal circumstances to have already occurred in the thinker’s life in order to occur. The thinker finds themselves tripping on so many of the built in assumptions that they cannot easily see themselves in the final dilemma at all, being unlikely to have, married, made such a promise in the first place, gone into business with their lover, and countless other of the prerequisites this question begs.
None of this invalidates the topic you are addressing: i. e. the ethics of binding promises and how changing circumstances affect the moral rights and wrongs of said promises. I am not questioning the value of exploring that topic. I just think your example needs to be streamlined and broadened so as to apply more readily to the thinker without raising internal questions about the question, which arrest and/or distract from the process and the point of the exercise.
You may tell me that you took this example from real life and see that as, in some way, answering my criticisms, but that would be wrong. Indeed, the very fact that you will be unable to find two or more examples that fit these circumstances will, I hope, explain why. Whereas, we can find a multiplicity of examples that fit the trolly problem, if not directly and literally, certainly in terms of the key issues wherein people have been forced to make life and death decisions with little more to go on than pure math in terms of evaluating which course of action (a or b) to take.
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I’m not happy with the hypothetical example used here. It was an egregiously unrealistic and unreasonable, promise, to ask of anyone, highly unlikely to be an issue in anyone’s real life. It also has different meaning to two people who have every reason to expect to live long lives. The foundation for their promises was based upon these and not unforeseen factors.
So, when Yvonne reminds Zena of her expectation, she is actually asking for a wholly new undertaking, similar to, but actually unrelated to the original commitment.
Most importantly, however, you also did not raise the possibility that Yvonne may not have been in her right mind. Ruling out actual brain damage does not preclude the possibility of extremely impaired judgement and emotional instability on the part of a person who has just suffered horrific, unexpected and fatal injuries. Nor can we reliably state that Zena was not similarly impaired by the sudden shock of her circumstances, her pending emotional loss and her current emotional trauma at the time this egregiously unrealistic promise was extracted from her.
So the flaws in this example can be summarised as:
A) Too contrived and specific to be plausible.
A. 1) So specific as to be vanishingly unlikely to apply to anyone’s lived experience (real or imagined) which brings us to
B) Too specific to be useful as a thought experiment. Consider other popular thought experiment ethical dilemmas, e. g. The Trolly Problem. This dilemma is generalisable to the extent that it can be applied to anyone, however rare the set of circumstances, despite their unlikeliness, because they do not rely on a set of specific personal circumstances to have already occurred in the thinker’s life in order to occur. The thinker finds themselves tripping on so many of the built in assumptions that they cannot easily see themselves in the final dilemma at all, being unlikely to have, married, made such a promise in the first place, gone into business with their lover, and countless other of the prerequisites this question begs.
None of this invalidates the topic you are addressing: i. e. the ethics of binding promises and how changing circumstances affect the moral rights and wrongs of said promises. I am not questioning the value of exploring that topic. I just think your example needs to be streamlined and broadened so as to apply more readily to the thinker without raising internal questions about the question, which arrest and/or distract from the process and the point of the exercise.
You may tell me that you took this example from real life and see that as, in some way, answering my criticisms, but that would be wrong. Indeed, the very fact that you will be unable to find two or more examples that fit these circumstances will, I hope, explain why. Whereas, we can find a multiplicity of examples that fit the trolly problem, if not directly and literally, certainly in terms of the key issues wherein people have been forced to make life and death decisions with little more to go on than pure math in terms of evaluating which course of action (a or b) to take.
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ChiDante
So. To Answer The Question:
This promise was made in a situation, one highly emotional. As such it is binding but not unresolvable. She shouldn't break it even tho the whole till death do as part thing means the promise is lacking meaning since the moment her spirit (gradually left their world) now gone, means the situation has changed. The promise, isn't very valuable
if it isn't made, by someone who knows what they are actually saying. If she actually had the power to have meant it, she wouldn't waver.
Now she has to address the emotional bindings that were made, that are actually spiritual. She must console whatever higher power she believes in and ask for forgiveness!
Sometimes they call it to plead insane. She knew not what she was doing. That of course comes with surrendering ownership and power to an appropriate extent.
She also needs to talk to her partner even in silence and resolve the emotional story.
Having a relationship with the dead is actually very human. Let the dead be the dead, and the living be the living.
And remember that no matter what, it doesn't change that they had a life together.
. a promise. Is a powerful intention, and not everyone is worthy of it.
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So. To Answer The Question:
This promise was made in a situation, one highly emotional. As such it is binding but not unresolvable. She shouldn't break it even tho the whole till death do as part thing means the promise is lacking meaning since the moment her spirit (gradually left their world) now gone, means the situation has changed. The promise, isn't very valuable
if it isn't made, by someone who knows what they are actually saying. If she actually had the power to have meant it, she wouldn't waver.
Now she has to address the emotional bindings that were made, that are actually spiritual. She must console whatever higher power she believes in and ask for forgiveness!
Sometimes they call it to plead insane. She knew not what she was doing. That of course comes with surrendering ownership and power to an appropriate extent.
She also needs to talk to her partner even in silence and resolve the emotional story.
Having a relationship with the dead is actually very human. Let the dead be the dead, and the living be the living.
And remember that no matter what, it doesn't change that they had a life together.
. a promise. Is a powerful intention, and not everyone is worthy of it.
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Square_Peg
If a person is dying you say what you need to say to bring them comfort and make them feel loved, even if the things you are saying are lies or promises you know you won't keep. After they are gone those promises have no meaning anymore, especially when the world those promises are made in change. Promise me you'll never leave the house we lived in makes no sense if the house burns down or the area is struck by some other hazard that makes living them unreasonable. Don't marry anyone else is selfish and has no affect on the person who died. Spend money on this research makes no sense if breakthroughs are made after the person dies. The living have a right to change their minds based on new information that comes along later or due to changing circumstances and we aren't bound to promises made to the dead. Sure, when it comes to money and possessions of the dead there are laws to follow and things need to be done to respect those laws, but other promises that aren't legally binding can be let go of.
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If a person is dying you say what you need to say to bring them comfort and make them feel loved, even if the things you are saying are lies or promises you know you won't keep. After they are gone those promises have no meaning anymore, especially when the world those promises are made in change. Promise me you'll never leave the house we lived in makes no sense if the house burns down or the area is struck by some other hazard that makes living them unreasonable. Don't marry anyone else is selfish and has no affect on the person who died. Spend money on this research makes no sense if breakthroughs are made after the person dies. The living have a right to change their minds based on new information that comes along later or due to changing circumstances and we aren't bound to promises made to the dead. Sure, when it comes to money and possessions of the dead there are laws to follow and things need to be done to respect those laws, but other promises that aren't legally binding can be let go of.
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ghostowl2939
I Say Deathbed Wishes, And Promises Should Be Upheld To The Highest Degree As Long As It Is Within Reason, And The Wish Or Promise Is Made To, Or For The Dying Person. As Long As Those Wishes Or Promises Are Not Pushed Onto Others. Because Even Though We All Benefit From The Upholding Of Promises As A Way Of Verifying Integrity, And Trust. That Promise Or Dying Wish Should Not Hold Or Bind The Current Living Person From Achieving Something Such As Happiness In The Future. So For Example Delegating Funds Of A Deathbed Wish For The Request Of The Person Dying Totally Within Reason, Asking Someone To Not To Re-Marry Personally I Don't Think Should Be As Binding Especially If It Weighs A Burden On Your Happiness In The Future. It's Alright For People To Be Selfish, We All Can Be At Times Especially In Desperate Times, But If That Person Truly Loves You, That Means They Would Also Value Your Happiness Even After They Are Gone.
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I Say Deathbed Wishes, And Promises Should Be Upheld To The Highest Degree As Long As It Is Within Reason, And The Wish Or Promise Is Made To, Or For The Dying Person. As Long As Those Wishes Or Promises Are Not Pushed Onto Others. Because Even Though We All Benefit From The Upholding Of Promises As A Way Of Verifying Integrity, And Trust. That Promise Or Dying Wish Should Not Hold Or Bind The Current Living Person From Achieving Something Such As Happiness In The Future. So For Example Delegating Funds Of A Deathbed Wish For The Request Of The Person Dying Totally Within Reason, Asking Someone To Not To Re-Marry Personally I Don't Think Should Be As Binding Especially If It Weighs A Burden On Your Happiness In The Future. It's Alright For People To Be Selfish, We All Can Be At Times Especially In Desperate Times, But If That Person Truly Loves You, That Means They Would Also Value Your Happiness Even After They Are Gone.
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ted_ed
I agree with the notion that Yvonne has the right to decide what happens to her money when she passes, but asking your spouse to never remarry when you are about to die is very selfish. Coercion is definitely a factor in that situation, how could you say no when your spouse is dying Yes, Yvonne was a part of the relationship but she doesn't own it, it's not hers to dicide what happens with it by herself. She doesn't seem to have the best interests of her partner at heart and I would say it is up to Zaina to decide if she wants to or not.
A promise is always made in a certain context and when that changes so does the value of that promise. The example about Yvonne's money illustrates this point well: they were working non-profit to cure a disease, so it makes sense to reevaluate what to do with the money when it is not all spent and a different organisation finds a cure.
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I agree with the notion that Yvonne has the right to decide what happens to her money when she passes, but asking your spouse to never remarry when you are about to die is very selfish. Coercion is definitely a factor in that situation, how could you say no when your spouse is dying Yes, Yvonne was a part of the relationship but she doesn't own it, it's not hers to dicide what happens with it by herself. She doesn't seem to have the best interests of her partner at heart and I would say it is up to Zaina to decide if she wants to or not.
A promise is always made in a certain context and when that changes so does the value of that promise. The example about Yvonne's money illustrates this point well: they were working non-profit to cure a disease, so it makes sense to reevaluate what to do with the money when it is not all spent and a different organisation finds a cure.
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Yeargdribble
My wife and I do not make promises lightly and we both hate promises in movies that someone has no truenagency in (I promise toncome back from the war)
We simply do not make these kinds of promises and so the value of a promise carries more weight for each of us.
We also would never push for promises that would remove agency as in after one of us is dead. We respect that in that event there are simply other unforeseen factors at play and there will continue to be changing reasons for making decisons with respect to the deceased other.
And while we'd never ask the other to give up autonomy (like seeking another relationship) there are many things we would try to uphild the spirit of (giving away specific belongings to certain people that might vary based on circumstance. But the latter is not something we would waste the P word on anyway.
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My wife and I do not make promises lightly and we both hate promises in movies that someone has no truenagency in (I promise toncome back from the war)
We simply do not make these kinds of promises and so the value of a promise carries more weight for each of us.
We also would never push for promises that would remove agency as in after one of us is dead. We respect that in that event there are simply other unforeseen factors at play and there will continue to be changing reasons for making decisons with respect to the deceased other.
And while we'd never ask the other to give up autonomy (like seeking another relationship) there are many things we would try to uphild the spirit of (giving away specific belongings to certain people that might vary based on circumstance. But the latter is not something we would waste the P word on anyway.
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micahbush5397
Asking your partner not to remarry really doesn’t make a lot of sense when you think about it. A loving spouse isn’t going to be thinking of remarriage while watching the love of their life die, and throughout history, people have kept such promises to the letter, but not in spirit, by taking lovers or mistresses, essentially remarrying in all but name. It seems to really be rooted in insecurity, like you're afraid your spouse is just waiting for you to die or will find someone better, someone who will lead them to realize how bad a spouse you were by comparison.
There are some deathbed promises that seem reasonable, but I think they're primarily short-term promises that relate to the division of one's assets or wrapping up unfinished business.
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Asking your partner not to remarry really doesn’t make a lot of sense when you think about it. A loving spouse isn’t going to be thinking of remarriage while watching the love of their life die, and throughout history, people have kept such promises to the letter, but not in spirit, by taking lovers or mistresses, essentially remarrying in all but name. It seems to really be rooted in insecurity, like you're afraid your spouse is just waiting for you to die or will find someone better, someone who will lead them to realize how bad a spouse you were by comparison.
There are some deathbed promises that seem reasonable, but I think they're primarily short-term promises that relate to the division of one's assets or wrapping up unfinished business.
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Actual-Jesse
First and foremost, Yvonne is dead. She no longer has a say in her legacy, or in the personal lives of others. For better or worse, her legacy is in the hands of the living, to do with as they will. One would hope she, in life, trusted Zaina enough to keep the spirit of her legacy in tact, if not to the letter, after her death, and wouldn't want to impose on any future happiness she may find after Yvonne's passing. Personally, I would fund the research until the illness was actually cured, because until that happens, any research will be an asset, then move on to researching other illnesses once a cure comes to pass. And of course I would remarry if I found someone who made me feel that kind of joy again, even if it wasn't the same as before
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First and foremost, Yvonne is dead. She no longer has a say in her legacy, or in the personal lives of others. For better or worse, her legacy is in the hands of the living, to do with as they will. One would hope she, in life, trusted Zaina enough to keep the spirit of her legacy in tact, if not to the letter, after her death, and wouldn't want to impose on any future happiness she may find after Yvonne's passing. Personally, I would fund the research until the illness was actually cured, because until that happens, any research will be an asset, then move on to researching other illnesses once a cure comes to pass. And of course I would remarry if I found someone who made me feel that kind of joy again, even if it wasn't the same as before
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Celvius
I wouldn't be in that situation to begin with, or atleast i hope not.
Making a promise to wait afew years before remarrying is usually Ok
But denying future happiness outright isn't.
Even though happiness isnt exclusive to marraige that doesnt make it right to force someone who would otherwise want to marry, to not marry another in the future.
As for the research fund. It would depend on the person and there isnt a correct answer, as some may say that their partner is someone who would redistribute the funding for differnt purposes, while others may say that their partner only ever cared for that specific illness, and doesnt care about others since this one is personal.
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I wouldn't be in that situation to begin with, or atleast i hope not.
Making a promise to wait afew years before remarrying is usually Ok
But denying future happiness outright isn't.
Even though happiness isnt exclusive to marraige that doesnt make it right to force someone who would otherwise want to marry, to not marry another in the future.
As for the research fund. It would depend on the person and there isnt a correct answer, as some may say that their partner is someone who would redistribute the funding for differnt purposes, while others may say that their partner only ever cared for that specific illness, and doesnt care about others since this one is personal.
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mydayzip
Keeping promises are important and ought to be fulfilled as long as it doesn't take a toll in your life. Promises are meant to be broken sometimes, and that's inevitable. In my perspective, Zaina should not hold on to the past especially when there's the present and the future. Past is past and it should be left behind for a lot of reasons. I think it's time for Zaina to prioritize what's right for her without the promise she made with Yvonne holding her back from achieving her goals. If she continue to not let go of that promise, she might not reconnect with herself, but instead, hunted by the promise every day. It's not called being selfish, it's choosing what's best for yourself
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Keeping promises are important and ought to be fulfilled as long as it doesn't take a toll in your life. Promises are meant to be broken sometimes, and that's inevitable. In my perspective, Zaina should not hold on to the past especially when there's the present and the future. Past is past and it should be left behind for a lot of reasons. I think it's time for Zaina to prioritize what's right for her without the promise she made with Yvonne holding her back from achieving her goals. If she continue to not let go of that promise, she might not reconnect with herself, but instead, hunted by the promise every day. It's not called being selfish, it's choosing what's best for yourself
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blacksmith1634
I think she could use the funds for something else, since investing it in more promising research will uphold the intention behind that promise.
The second is more tricky. I don't think the coerscion counts at all, since the promise was made beforehand and she only remade the promise AND most importantly it was given mutually, so Yvonne would have done the same for Zaina.
Lastly, all arguments seem kind of utilitarian, answering for, What is a promise good for. But upholding a promise can be in and of itself right, for being truthfull, integere and loyal. If your not utilitarian it doesn't need to be usefull to be right.
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I think she could use the funds for something else, since investing it in more promising research will uphold the intention behind that promise.
The second is more tricky. I don't think the coerscion counts at all, since the promise was made beforehand and she only remade the promise AND most importantly it was given mutually, so Yvonne would have done the same for Zaina.
Lastly, all arguments seem kind of utilitarian, answering for, What is a promise good for. But upholding a promise can be in and of itself right, for being truthfull, integere and loyal. If your not utilitarian it doesn't need to be usefull to be right.
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sirinangel
I made a promise to my grandfather that I would keep my relationship with my siblings good and strong but I haven’t been able to do it. They are not good towards me and almost ruined me financially and emotionally. I feel guilty I wasn’t able to keep my promise. My grandfather loved his family no matter what even when he wasn’t loved the same way in return. He definitely lived by the philosophy of family is family no matter what. But I remember when I told my sister I made this promise to him her response was oh cool now I can treat you however I want and you will still have to treat me well. She was serious.
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I made a promise to my grandfather that I would keep my relationship with my siblings good and strong but I haven’t been able to do it. They are not good towards me and almost ruined me financially and emotionally. I feel guilty I wasn’t able to keep my promise. My grandfather loved his family no matter what even when he wasn’t loved the same way in return. He definitely lived by the philosophy of family is family no matter what. But I remember when I told my sister I made this promise to him her response was oh cool now I can treat you however I want and you will still have to treat me well. She was serious.
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icoudntfindaname
Practically, when a partners ask to not remarry, it is usually as a test to ensure they won't cheat in life and so the answer has an effect which is not strict to the words. So Zaina has a right to break it
Theoritically, if it was understood by both parties that the promise was strict to the word and would have no additional consequence and if Zaina was given enough time to think and decide, then there shouldn't be this problem. However it does raise the question of whether a promise held long ago should be held even when the promiser's values have changed
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Practically, when a partners ask to not remarry, it is usually as a test to ensure they won't cheat in life and so the answer has an effect which is not strict to the words. So Zaina has a right to break it
Theoritically, if it was understood by both parties that the promise was strict to the word and would have no additional consequence and if Zaina was given enough time to think and decide, then there shouldn't be this problem. However it does raise the question of whether a promise held long ago should be held even when the promiser's values have changed
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TD3-u8f
If you are about to die you really shouldn’t be asking anyone to promise anything Nothing that happens after you’re gone will actually affect you, and you can’t predict how it will affect your loved ones. As harsh as it may sound, you have your life time to influence this world and once that time is up it’s up to the living to shape the world they’re still bound to. They may choose to carry on your influence, or they may not. The only thing you can really do is try your best for your influence to be worth propagating for as long as possible.
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If you are about to die you really shouldn’t be asking anyone to promise anything Nothing that happens after you’re gone will actually affect you, and you can’t predict how it will affect your loved ones. As harsh as it may sound, you have your life time to influence this world and once that time is up it’s up to the living to shape the world they’re still bound to. They may choose to carry on your influence, or they may not. The only thing you can really do is try your best for your influence to be worth propagating for as long as possible.
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Hopewired-2025
I used to think a final wish was sacred. Something beyond question.
But now I wonder is it sacred because of the words or because of the silence that surrounds them
Maybe honoring someone doesn’t mean obeying their last request.
Maybe it means staying human in the face of grief, guilt, and uncertainty.
We often ask: what would they want
But the harder question is: what are we still carrying that makes us want to grant it so badly
What changed in you when you realized that loyalty can also mean letting go
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I used to think a final wish was sacred. Something beyond question.
But now I wonder is it sacred because of the words or because of the silence that surrounds them
Maybe honoring someone doesn’t mean obeying their last request.
Maybe it means staying human in the face of grief, guilt, and uncertainty.
We often ask: what would they want
But the harder question is: what are we still carrying that makes us want to grant it so badly
What changed in you when you realized that loyalty can also mean letting go
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DragonGalvy
After considering being in this situation, I would explain this promise to the new person that I'm building a relationship with, and allow them to decide if they still wanted to remain with me as an unmarried couple. Putting myself in the position of the new person, I would appreciate that talk - even though it might disappoint me if I DID wish to be married, I would be learning that the other partner will keep their promises to me as well, which would definitely be a positive indication for any future with them.
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After considering being in this situation, I would explain this promise to the new person that I'm building a relationship with, and allow them to decide if they still wanted to remain with me as an unmarried couple. Putting myself in the position of the new person, I would appreciate that talk - even though it might disappoint me if I DID wish to be married, I would be learning that the other partner will keep their promises to me as well, which would definitely be a positive indication for any future with them.
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WhiteSpatula
If I were Zaina, the moment Yvonne asked me to make such a deathbed promise, I’d agree PROVIDED she promised in return to thwart, from beyond the grave, every possibility of my finding another life partner. That way every phone number written on a napkin and subsequently blurred by a clumsy spill; every invitation to coffee canceled by a tornado warning; every smile from across a crowded room rescinded upon closer inspection, would remind me of my dearly departed soulmate and our everlasting promise.
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If I were Zaina, the moment Yvonne asked me to make such a deathbed promise, I’d agree PROVIDED she promised in return to thwart, from beyond the grave, every possibility of my finding another life partner. That way every phone number written on a napkin and subsequently blurred by a clumsy spill; every invitation to coffee canceled by a tornado warning; every smile from across a crowded room rescinded upon closer inspection, would remind me of my dearly departed soulmate and our everlasting promise.
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medusagorgon9
Other than take care of yourself, I would never suggest or ask anything of a loved one. Your energy is leaving the physical world, and the moment it does you will not care about any of it. Yes, there are unhappy energies that stick around after death, but that has more to do with them than the living. Extracting promises before death sounds worthy, romantic or whatever have you, but it is selfish. Especially when the death bed promise chains a person psychologically, or involves hurting others.
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Other than take care of yourself, I would never suggest or ask anything of a loved one. Your energy is leaving the physical world, and the moment it does you will not care about any of it. Yes, there are unhappy energies that stick around after death, but that has more to do with them than the living. Extracting promises before death sounds worthy, romantic or whatever have you, but it is selfish. Especially when the death bed promise chains a person psychologically, or involves hurting others.
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laceisaverb
I know this is beside the point but in the case of promising never to remarry after your partner dies, if I was in a relationship and he tried to make me promise him something like that, it would be a red flag to me. I think the more healthy, loving thing is to hope that after grieving for me, my partner would eventually be able to find happiness with someone else. Would I like the idea of them moving on quickly Probably not, but I wouldn't want them to be single for the rest of their lives.
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I know this is beside the point but in the case of promising never to remarry after your partner dies, if I was in a relationship and he tried to make me promise him something like that, it would be a red flag to me. I think the more healthy, loving thing is to hope that after grieving for me, my partner would eventually be able to find happiness with someone else. Would I like the idea of them moving on quickly Probably not, but I wouldn't want them to be single for the rest of their lives.
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AvisAlegria
honestly i kind of wonder if promises even hold value at all. promises hinge so much on certainty that simply doesn't exist, so really the only promises we can make is to try to do whatever people want promised, but for so many people, saying I'll try isn't good enough. This is also why I'm not really a fan of Yoda and really hate his quote do or do note, there is no try because it's quite the opposite. Trying is all there is, and if you're lucky, your efforts will result in success.
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honestly i kind of wonder if promises even hold value at all. promises hinge so much on certainty that simply doesn't exist, so really the only promises we can make is to try to do whatever people want promised, but for so many people, saying I'll try isn't good enough. This is also why I'm not really a fan of Yoda and really hate his quote do or do note, there is no try because it's quite the opposite. Trying is all there is, and if you're lucky, your efforts will result in success.
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