How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Sexual Relationships
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Date: 2023-08-20
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Comments and reviews: 25
Aquablast
AFAIK (I could be wrong):
1. Anxious attachment style means being too afraid of your partner leaving (afraid of being too far away);
2. Avoidant attachment style means being too afraid of getting close to your partner;
3. Fearful is a combination of both Anxious and Avoidant, where you're both afraid of getting too close, but also afraid to be left behind by your partner;
4. Secure is the lack of fear in attachment altogether.
That said, Secure is only good if the person is actually in a healthy relationship, since people who feel secure probably will not question themselves or their partners at all.
These styles aren't set in stone too. A person can lose their fear and become Secure, and a Secure person can end up gaining a fear (if it looks like their partner is about to walk, etc.
Finally, this theory might be more useful to identify your partner rather than on yourself, as an Anxious partner will need reassurance, and an Avoidant partner might need to be let know when they're being too distant but also needs to be given space/freedom, etc. (Though it's still helpful for self-diagnose-- if being Fearful is a problem, for example, then perhaps it's time for a change of mentality)
FYI, I believe I'm considered to have an Anxious attachment style. If my crush ever reciprocates my feelings and reassures me that he won't leave me, then perhaps I'll finally feel secure enough. At least by knowing my style, I'll try to avoid being too clingy and try to have more faith.
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AFAIK (I could be wrong):
1. Anxious attachment style means being too afraid of your partner leaving (afraid of being too far away);
2. Avoidant attachment style means being too afraid of getting close to your partner;
3. Fearful is a combination of both Anxious and Avoidant, where you're both afraid of getting too close, but also afraid to be left behind by your partner;
4. Secure is the lack of fear in attachment altogether.
That said, Secure is only good if the person is actually in a healthy relationship, since people who feel secure probably will not question themselves or their partners at all.
These styles aren't set in stone too. A person can lose their fear and become Secure, and a Secure person can end up gaining a fear (if it looks like their partner is about to walk, etc.
Finally, this theory might be more useful to identify your partner rather than on yourself, as an Anxious partner will need reassurance, and an Avoidant partner might need to be let know when they're being too distant but also needs to be given space/freedom, etc. (Though it's still helpful for self-diagnose-- if being Fearful is a problem, for example, then perhaps it's time for a change of mentality)
FYI, I believe I'm considered to have an Anxious attachment style. If my crush ever reciprocates my feelings and reassures me that he won't leave me, then perhaps I'll finally feel secure enough. At least by knowing my style, I'll try to avoid being too clingy and try to have more faith.
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education
In Hong Kong, it is very common for families with children to employ maids from SE Asia, and I'm afraid that most of the younger generation here suffer from insecure attachment styles due to the absence of parents. (maids are employed to take care of the children + family instead as both parents work)
It's better if the same maid is hired for 20+ years, being on the children's side and witness their important life events, especially major changes like going to college/first love and break ups, cuz. They're always on their side. I've got classmates who have grown up with the same maid and they share strong bonds.
That wasn't the case for me tho. My family switched maids every 2-4 years or so, and the most recent one was there since I was 12. I think one of the major reasons behind my fearful attachment style's due to the inconsistency of carers. It was rather unpredictable; a maid who came when I was 10, was, unfortunately, incompatible in terms of personalities, my emotions were unstable at that time due to pre-adolescence but couldn't bring myself to communicate with her. To be honest, it was a pretty traumatic experience for me, as I could not longer communicate normally with the maid who came after her (I wanted to communicate normally, but I couldn't bring myself to do so)
Until now, I often find myself getting envious when someone talks about growing up with the same maid.
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In Hong Kong, it is very common for families with children to employ maids from SE Asia, and I'm afraid that most of the younger generation here suffer from insecure attachment styles due to the absence of parents. (maids are employed to take care of the children + family instead as both parents work)
It's better if the same maid is hired for 20+ years, being on the children's side and witness their important life events, especially major changes like going to college/first love and break ups, cuz. They're always on their side. I've got classmates who have grown up with the same maid and they share strong bonds.
That wasn't the case for me tho. My family switched maids every 2-4 years or so, and the most recent one was there since I was 12. I think one of the major reasons behind my fearful attachment style's due to the inconsistency of carers. It was rather unpredictable; a maid who came when I was 10, was, unfortunately, incompatible in terms of personalities, my emotions were unstable at that time due to pre-adolescence but couldn't bring myself to communicate with her. To be honest, it was a pretty traumatic experience for me, as I could not longer communicate normally with the maid who came after her (I wanted to communicate normally, but I couldn't bring myself to do so)
Until now, I often find myself getting envious when someone talks about growing up with the same maid.
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nanonatron
I find it interesting how I can see myself in those types shifting from time. I use to be anxious. I was scared that nothing was ever true nor that they do love me. they ofc cheered me up but I felt guilty for them cause off all that whining. I felt bad that I couldnt be any better at that time wich eventually broke them and they went away. nowadays I kinda isolated myself and simply abandoned my feelings. even if I try to feel empathic, its more a series of task to work through rather then truly feeling empathic, essentially I dont care anymore but I'm still scared that this behavious will have a bad influence on me hence why I still act as if I care but its exhausting.
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I find it interesting how I can see myself in those types shifting from time. I use to be anxious. I was scared that nothing was ever true nor that they do love me. they ofc cheered me up but I felt guilty for them cause off all that whining. I felt bad that I couldnt be any better at that time wich eventually broke them and they went away. nowadays I kinda isolated myself and simply abandoned my feelings. even if I try to feel empathic, its more a series of task to work through rather then truly feeling empathic, essentially I dont care anymore but I'm still scared that this behavious will have a bad influence on me hence why I still act as if I care but its exhausting.
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BlackJack
Thank you for these videos about attachment styles. I finally understand that there is no big problem in my relationship. Im just realy have anxious attachment and my gf seems to have some of avoidant attachement. It is hard sometimes and we even went through break up for a year. But now I at least understand that there is nothing wrong with her or with me. We're just different in this, but I still love her and I'm starting to believe that she loves me, just in her own style. I still need to remind it to myself everyday.
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Thank you for these videos about attachment styles. I finally understand that there is no big problem in my relationship. Im just realy have anxious attachment and my gf seems to have some of avoidant attachement. It is hard sometimes and we even went through break up for a year. But now I at least understand that there is nothing wrong with her or with me. We're just different in this, but I still love her and I'm starting to believe that she loves me, just in her own style. I still need to remind it to myself everyday.
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Chains
I am under the fearful attachment style, and pretty much every partner I've had has taken advantage of that in one way or another, a few even going as far as emotionally and physically abusing me. I'm trying to work through both my childhood trauma and my relationship trauma in therapy but it feels like it's an impossible task. I feel as though I can never truly be intimately vulnerable with someone bc every partner I've had in the past has shown I shouldn't trust those I want to become intimate with.
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I am under the fearful attachment style, and pretty much every partner I've had has taken advantage of that in one way or another, a few even going as far as emotionally and physically abusing me. I'm trying to work through both my childhood trauma and my relationship trauma in therapy but it feels like it's an impossible task. I feel as though I can never truly be intimately vulnerable with someone bc every partner I've had in the past has shown I shouldn't trust those I want to become intimate with.
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Phoenix
What woman are You talking about right NOW, because Ummmmm Yeah whoopsi oopsi there isn't a woman in My personal private real true life righty tighty lefty loosey about here NOW that I'm in a romantic love relationship with at ALL whatsoever to be quite perfectly HONEST although I'm currently looking at a small tree righty tighty lefty loosey about here, and NOW SOOOOOO I'm thinking maybe, Nah that's NOT a good idea especially considering I'm righty tighty lefty loosey in public about NOW LOL!
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What woman are You talking about right NOW, because Ummmmm Yeah whoopsi oopsi there isn't a woman in My personal private real true life righty tighty lefty loosey about here NOW that I'm in a romantic love relationship with at ALL whatsoever to be quite perfectly HONEST although I'm currently looking at a small tree righty tighty lefty loosey about here, and NOW SOOOOOO I'm thinking maybe, Nah that's NOT a good idea especially considering I'm righty tighty lefty loosey in public about NOW LOL!
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Thee
My mom raised me and my 2 siblings by myself. She was very very absent physically and mentally. We all grew up not knowing if our mom genuinely loved us or cared for us.
I always wondered why did I go back to people for love when it was an unloving relationship but I realized it was due to trauma. now my eyes are always open looking for any red flags of someone trying to take advantage of my vulnerability of just genuinely wanting to be loved.
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My mom raised me and my 2 siblings by myself. She was very very absent physically and mentally. We all grew up not knowing if our mom genuinely loved us or cared for us.
I always wondered why did I go back to people for love when it was an unloving relationship but I realized it was due to trauma. now my eyes are always open looking for any red flags of someone trying to take advantage of my vulnerability of just genuinely wanting to be loved.
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Casey
Ive never hooked up with anyone. I want to wait until Im in a committed relationship with someone who I trust with my body. But everytime Im about to get into a relationship, finding out Im a virgin is always a dealbreaker because they think they wont be satisfied by me and my lack of experience. But how am I supposed to gain experience without sacrificing the values that are important to me?
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Ive never hooked up with anyone. I want to wait until Im in a committed relationship with someone who I trust with my body. But everytime Im about to get into a relationship, finding out Im a virgin is always a dealbreaker because they think they wont be satisfied by me and my lack of experience. But how am I supposed to gain experience without sacrificing the values that are important to me?
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Sarah
I'm a secure attachment style and find it very difficult to meet people similar to my level of clear communication and self-awareness. I wish I could teach everyone how to communicate better. I think that's helped me the most in accepting myself. If I communicate clearly and kindly, and the other person still has a problem with me, well. I now can safely know that that's on them, not me.
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I'm a secure attachment style and find it very difficult to meet people similar to my level of clear communication and self-awareness. I wish I could teach everyone how to communicate better. I think that's helped me the most in accepting myself. If I communicate clearly and kindly, and the other person still has a problem with me, well. I now can safely know that that's on them, not me.
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TheShadynorwegian
Well, my girlfriend is quite anxious, a bit autistic and hella cute. But she's had some bad partners in her time whereas this is my first real relationship. Does she go above and beyond for me? Probably. Do I remind her every day that she's perfect and I would never leave her? Yes. The biggest difficulty we have is just geography since she lives in england and I in norway
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Well, my girlfriend is quite anxious, a bit autistic and hella cute. But she's had some bad partners in her time whereas this is my first real relationship. Does she go above and beyond for me? Probably. Do I remind her every day that she's perfect and I would never leave her? Yes. The biggest difficulty we have is just geography since she lives in england and I in norway
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JustAlpha
For the time being, I see myself in the 'secure', and I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I used to struggle a LOT with my self-esteem, especially during my last two years of high school, but nowadays I'm a self-assured person, and I know that all that time spent working on improving and bettering myself has really paid off, even when things did get challenging.
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For the time being, I see myself in the 'secure', and I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I used to struggle a LOT with my self-esteem, especially during my last two years of high school, but nowadays I'm a self-assured person, and I know that all that time spent working on improving and bettering myself has really paid off, even when things did get challenging.
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Ray
Thank you for this episode I needed to hear all this to be more clear about myself. We all are dreaming about being the last style which means the secure. Even before watching thins I knew I am not that one. But one of the rest. I think that when I was younger I was the Anxious or Fearful Bad experiences (not only in relationships) made me evolve to the avoidant one.
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Thank you for this episode I needed to hear all this to be more clear about myself. We all are dreaming about being the last style which means the secure. Even before watching thins I knew I am not that one. But one of the rest. I think that when I was younger I was the Anxious or Fearful Bad experiences (not only in relationships) made me evolve to the avoidant one.
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Questionable
Im sorta a mix between anxious and secure. For the most part I have secure tendencies but I do have some trust and abandonment issues that from the past that come up as intrusive thoughts every now and then. The main thing I have been working on is not to give into those thoughts and insecurities, and realize that what I actually have is real.
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Im sorta a mix between anxious and secure. For the most part I have secure tendencies but I do have some trust and abandonment issues that from the past that come up as intrusive thoughts every now and then. The main thing I have been working on is not to give into those thoughts and insecurities, and realize that what I actually have is real.
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Melanie
When I was in a relationship with a narcissist I was anxious attachment because he made me feel like I was never enough and I tried everything and did everything he wanted me to do and did little for myself. Now that I'm in a healthy relationship I'm happy because we work in a actual partnership and talk everything out and work together
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When I was in a relationship with a narcissist I was anxious attachment because he made me feel like I was never enough and I tried everything and did everything he wanted me to do and did little for myself. Now that I'm in a healthy relationship I'm happy because we work in a actual partnership and talk everything out and work together
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Mumbo
I guess the closest thing to me in this video is avoidant, though I don't feel like I go out of my way to dodge some incoming interest. I just don't actively pursue relationships and so far, no one's pursued one with me. I have an abysmal self-image and can't really imagine anyone being interested in the first place.
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I guess the closest thing to me in this video is avoidant, though I don't feel like I go out of my way to dodge some incoming interest. I just don't actively pursue relationships and so far, no one's pursued one with me. I have an abysmal self-image and can't really imagine anyone being interested in the first place.
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Divo_yk
Im so glad I fall into the secure type, Im glad my parents raised me in a privileged house and education to know whats a healthy intimate relationship and how it should be like, same applies to other people, it takes time, so do not do what you dont want to, tell your partner what you think instead of hiding it
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Im so glad I fall into the secure type, Im glad my parents raised me in a privileged house and education to know whats a healthy intimate relationship and how it should be like, same applies to other people, it takes time, so do not do what you dont want to, tell your partner what you think instead of hiding it
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Songbird
Just watching this video made me realize that my attachment style is 1 part fearful, 3 part avoidant. Thank you so much for all of your work, theyre eye-opening and helpful (though, I agree with the idea on NOT replacing professional help with these informative videos)
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Just watching this video made me realize that my attachment style is 1 part fearful, 3 part avoidant. Thank you so much for all of your work, theyre eye-opening and helpful (though, I agree with the idea on NOT replacing professional help with these informative videos)
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SoSFalcon
For me, my body tends to shut down when it comes to intimacy, and I end up feeling detached from the moment. I'm not sure if others have experienced this as well, but I think I'm a mixture of the Avoidant and Fearful attachment types.
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For me, my body tends to shut down when it comes to intimacy, and I end up feeling detached from the moment. I'm not sure if others have experienced this as well, but I think I'm a mixture of the Avoidant and Fearful attachment types.
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Valeria
I currently identify with the anxious attachment style but thanks to my partner I'm slowly leaning into a more secure attachment. Sometimes fear and anxiety can creep in but with the right tools, it's possible to heal and become secure.
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I currently identify with the anxious attachment style but thanks to my partner I'm slowly leaning into a more secure attachment. Sometimes fear and anxiety can creep in but with the right tools, it's possible to heal and become secure.
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Eddie
I'm definitely fearful with my background. My therapist says I have cptsd but I don't know if I agree with that.
This video is going to have me thinking for a few days--thank you for your work, Psych2go! It's helping me
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I'm definitely fearful with my background. My therapist says I have cptsd but I don't know if I agree with that.
This video is going to have me thinking for a few days--thank you for your work, Psych2go! It's helping me
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jesse
Dont know if you can help with this whenever I sleep with a girl after a few times, I start getting bored and having erection issues. Id do anything to fix it, as Id like to be in another relationship someday
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Dont know if you can help with this whenever I sleep with a girl after a few times, I start getting bored and having erection issues. Id do anything to fix it, as Id like to be in another relationship someday
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Jamie
I definitely developed an avoidance to intimacy from emotional neglect in childhood. It's not really my parents' fault. They're not emotionally mature people but damn, it's really fuct me up
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I definitely developed an avoidance to intimacy from emotional neglect in childhood. It's not really my parents' fault. They're not emotionally mature people but damn, it's really fuct me up
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Sausage
My boyfriend was definitely avoidant when we first met, but our relationship is now secure. He has changed a lot for me and so have I for him, I am so glad this video makes it more clear
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My boyfriend was definitely avoidant when we first met, but our relationship is now secure. He has changed a lot for me and so have I for him, I am so glad this video makes it more clear
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Sean
Wow! It made me happy seeing psych2go use a research that was conducted in Nairobi cause I'm from Nairobi, Kenya. It's good to know our country thinks of things that are often overlooked!
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Wow! It made me happy seeing psych2go use a research that was conducted in Nairobi cause I'm from Nairobi, Kenya. It's good to know our country thinks of things that are often overlooked!
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RoseS15_A
I have anxious attachment, now I know why I always tried to please my partner and was jealous of the dumb decisions they made which made me angry and sad, except I was not clingy.
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I have anxious attachment, now I know why I always tried to please my partner and was jealous of the dumb decisions they made which made me angry and sad, except I was not clingy.
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