Feeling Empty? This Might Be Why (Covert Avoidance)
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Date: 2023-08-20
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Comments and reviews: 25
KingBucket
Thank you, this gave me a better understanding of myself. But it will be difficult to feel my feelings the way I used to as a child. I always feel like I don't feel the actual emotions I display in front of others, it's like if my brain knows what it should be feeling and I'm just automatically acting, but it's not how I truly feel and/or I don't feel that emotion in the same intensity as I show. I often feel a small presence of emotion but I exaggerate my facial expressions and laughs even when I'm by myself. I have a lot of baggage, when I felt sad as a kid I kept wishing I was apathetic so that way I couldn't be sad anymore. I can still feel strong emotions of sadness, it's one of my strongest emotions even if it's getting more numb, I still cry my eyeballs out sometimes. Fear is definitely what has been causing this because I know I'm scared of feeling hurt and sad again. I hold a lot of rage inside me but it's getting more numb as well because the more I care less about the things and people that I love and/or make me happy, the less I care about what I want. So there won't be anything to be mad at if there is nothing that I love enough to defend. Because what I want and/or love dosen't matter, all that matters is to make sure I'm not sad anymore. So the only thing that is keeping me from being completely consumed by fear is the rage, I still have enough love for myself that it won't allow me give up on feeling true happiness again.
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Thank you, this gave me a better understanding of myself. But it will be difficult to feel my feelings the way I used to as a child. I always feel like I don't feel the actual emotions I display in front of others, it's like if my brain knows what it should be feeling and I'm just automatically acting, but it's not how I truly feel and/or I don't feel that emotion in the same intensity as I show. I often feel a small presence of emotion but I exaggerate my facial expressions and laughs even when I'm by myself. I have a lot of baggage, when I felt sad as a kid I kept wishing I was apathetic so that way I couldn't be sad anymore. I can still feel strong emotions of sadness, it's one of my strongest emotions even if it's getting more numb, I still cry my eyeballs out sometimes. Fear is definitely what has been causing this because I know I'm scared of feeling hurt and sad again. I hold a lot of rage inside me but it's getting more numb as well because the more I care less about the things and people that I love and/or make me happy, the less I care about what I want. So there won't be anything to be mad at if there is nothing that I love enough to defend. Because what I want and/or love dosen't matter, all that matters is to make sure I'm not sad anymore. So the only thing that is keeping me from being completely consumed by fear is the rage, I still have enough love for myself that it won't allow me give up on feeling true happiness again.
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HomoSeal
I think it's pretty safe to say that I've been avoiding cooking lately. It used to be something that I really enjoyed - even on occasions when my recipe didn't turn out super tasty - because it felt good to be creative and to nourish myself. But ever since getting out of a relationship with a really toxic partner who used to treat me like shit anytime I cooked something he didn't like (regardless of its actual quality, AND being recently diagnosed with Crohn's, trying to cook new recipes has become such a source of stress that I struggle to think of even one new recipe I've cooked since being free of my ex.
I think what I'm going to do now is FIRST to make an entry in my therapy journal so I know to focus on this with my therapist at my next appointment. Then I'm going to select a recipe - something that will be good for my condition and that I've never made before - and write down on my calendar the date that I'm going to cook it.
Lastly, I'm going to start inviting friends over to cook WITH ME. My ex was a control freak who HATED having me in the kitchen when he was cooking, and resented being asked for help of any kind when I was the one making dinner. I need to remind myself that most people are not emotionally abusive like he was, and I am absolutely free to form new, positive associations with cooking.
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I think it's pretty safe to say that I've been avoiding cooking lately. It used to be something that I really enjoyed - even on occasions when my recipe didn't turn out super tasty - because it felt good to be creative and to nourish myself. But ever since getting out of a relationship with a really toxic partner who used to treat me like shit anytime I cooked something he didn't like (regardless of its actual quality, AND being recently diagnosed with Crohn's, trying to cook new recipes has become such a source of stress that I struggle to think of even one new recipe I've cooked since being free of my ex.
I think what I'm going to do now is FIRST to make an entry in my therapy journal so I know to focus on this with my therapist at my next appointment. Then I'm going to select a recipe - something that will be good for my condition and that I've never made before - and write down on my calendar the date that I'm going to cook it.
Lastly, I'm going to start inviting friends over to cook WITH ME. My ex was a control freak who HATED having me in the kitchen when he was cooking, and resented being asked for help of any kind when I was the one making dinner. I need to remind myself that most people are not emotionally abusive like he was, and I am absolutely free to form new, positive associations with cooking.
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AriEnby
Can you make a video on communicative issues in people with ADHD and how to overcome them? People seem to have a general understanding of what ADHD is, but I don't think a whole lot of people know that the condition can bleed into almost every aspect of your life - including your communicative ability.
As someone with ADHD, I struggle with finding the right words to say and articulating them a lot of the time. Either my brain completely draws a blank as to what to say next or it moves way too fast for me to process and then deletes the words from my memory before I can even say them. This, combined with my crippling social anxiety and deep-seated fear of saying the wrong things and being judged for it, can make talking to people a very difficult, sometimes even PAINFUL, experience that I don't think is talked about enough in videos discussing ADHD symptoms/struggles. Sometimes, it's so difficult to speak that I may even be on the verge of tears for no other reason when I try to.
I feel like a video talking about verbal struggles in ADHD would not only give viewers a better understanding of ADHD, but help OTHERS who struggle with communication as a result of the disorder feel less alone in their struggles.
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Can you make a video on communicative issues in people with ADHD and how to overcome them? People seem to have a general understanding of what ADHD is, but I don't think a whole lot of people know that the condition can bleed into almost every aspect of your life - including your communicative ability.
As someone with ADHD, I struggle with finding the right words to say and articulating them a lot of the time. Either my brain completely draws a blank as to what to say next or it moves way too fast for me to process and then deletes the words from my memory before I can even say them. This, combined with my crippling social anxiety and deep-seated fear of saying the wrong things and being judged for it, can make talking to people a very difficult, sometimes even PAINFUL, experience that I don't think is talked about enough in videos discussing ADHD symptoms/struggles. Sometimes, it's so difficult to speak that I may even be on the verge of tears for no other reason when I try to.
I feel like a video talking about verbal struggles in ADHD would not only give viewers a better understanding of ADHD, but help OTHERS who struggle with communication as a result of the disorder feel less alone in their struggles.
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Aquatendo
I always told myself itd get better after highschool. then college. a career. None of it worked, and the next goal post was retirement. I just couldnt make it that long, so I started bikepacking to prepare to leave society altogether. Then I got frostbite while camping in winter, and eventually realized I hated what I was doing. I actually craved human connection, but was running away in fear of letting anyone in. But even though I knew what I needed to do to overcome my fear, I still couldnt do it. Instead I spiraled into depression, so low that it came down to take action or die. I finally let someone in just enough that they helped me get professional help. That in turn gave me new traumas, but it did help save my life and put me back on track somewhat. I slowly started addressing things I shouldve addressed a long time ago. I have a long way to go still, and my actions make me live in fear each day - but those fears subside and help lift this crushing weight off my shoulders. There are things I can do today that I never wouldve been able to do a few years ago. Its hard, but I feel more free than ever and finally have a positive outlook for my future.
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I always told myself itd get better after highschool. then college. a career. None of it worked, and the next goal post was retirement. I just couldnt make it that long, so I started bikepacking to prepare to leave society altogether. Then I got frostbite while camping in winter, and eventually realized I hated what I was doing. I actually craved human connection, but was running away in fear of letting anyone in. But even though I knew what I needed to do to overcome my fear, I still couldnt do it. Instead I spiraled into depression, so low that it came down to take action or die. I finally let someone in just enough that they helped me get professional help. That in turn gave me new traumas, but it did help save my life and put me back on track somewhat. I slowly started addressing things I shouldve addressed a long time ago. I have a long way to go still, and my actions make me live in fear each day - but those fears subside and help lift this crushing weight off my shoulders. There are things I can do today that I never wouldve been able to do a few years ago. Its hard, but I feel more free than ever and finally have a positive outlook for my future.
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Abdul
this explains the life of adults. hence the words, childhood trauma. yet this still explains me. im just 14. not sure if anybody has heard of this, theres a mental disorder called Misophonia. hearing related. look it up for more details. i was diagnosed a year ago but ive had it since i was 10. my parents have tortured me and taken advantage of my issue. now, 4 years of trauma later, in 8th grade, i have an overwhelming amount of work to do. even for people my age. everytime i get bad scores for my tests, my parents ask me to tell me if i have an issue. i have an issue, i dont have time, its too much for me. i never speak up. i always remain silent. im in tears just writing this, nobody seems to understand my situation and tell it to my parents, there are countless incidents of me going to slice my neck and making myself bleed. yet still nobody notices and nobody understands. i wanna give up, this has gotten too much for me to handle.
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this explains the life of adults. hence the words, childhood trauma. yet this still explains me. im just 14. not sure if anybody has heard of this, theres a mental disorder called Misophonia. hearing related. look it up for more details. i was diagnosed a year ago but ive had it since i was 10. my parents have tortured me and taken advantage of my issue. now, 4 years of trauma later, in 8th grade, i have an overwhelming amount of work to do. even for people my age. everytime i get bad scores for my tests, my parents ask me to tell me if i have an issue. i have an issue, i dont have time, its too much for me. i never speak up. i always remain silent. im in tears just writing this, nobody seems to understand my situation and tell it to my parents, there are countless incidents of me going to slice my neck and making myself bleed. yet still nobody notices and nobody understands. i wanna give up, this has gotten too much for me to handle.
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Maailmankatsomus
Oh shit, this is exactly the thing I've discovered about myself in the past few days. Like word for word. Living through 3rd perspective of pleasing other people, not for myself, basing my choices in life on fear, not on what I actually want and just feeling like my life is lacking, not looking like me, leading me to feel empty. Shit. They got a name for everything these days, don't they. And I've even traced it back to being about control. This is some next level synchronicity. The tips were not too helpful, but I will find my own ways to live more fulfilling life, through therapy and inner reflection.
Here are some things I really want to do, but am too afraid:
- start a podcast
- talk to more people, be more open, myself, goofy and make more friends hopefully
- do a research project/paper on my own mind's psychology
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Oh shit, this is exactly the thing I've discovered about myself in the past few days. Like word for word. Living through 3rd perspective of pleasing other people, not for myself, basing my choices in life on fear, not on what I actually want and just feeling like my life is lacking, not looking like me, leading me to feel empty. Shit. They got a name for everything these days, don't they. And I've even traced it back to being about control. This is some next level synchronicity. The tips were not too helpful, but I will find my own ways to live more fulfilling life, through therapy and inner reflection.
Here are some things I really want to do, but am too afraid:
- start a podcast
- talk to more people, be more open, myself, goofy and make more friends hopefully
- do a research project/paper on my own mind's psychology
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Accismus.
Dang. So that's why I've been feeling empty. It's like I done a lot of great things and I have good friends, yet I feel hollow, incomplete, like something's always missing. The thing that's missing is happiness. I usually pretend to be happy and satisfied with my life and other stuff, but. I don't feel true happiness. I've become a kid with low self-esteem, low self-confidence. I've been told that I'm amazing, I'm beautiful, yet. I don't feel like it. Whenever, I speak up, I feel like other people will yell, like why am I even talking. An ugly person like me, an annoying person, a nobody. I feel like everyone will judge me, so I decided to blur into the crowd. to avoid any of that. I thought it'd be better, but here I am feeling empty, questioning my reason for being alive.
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Dang. So that's why I've been feeling empty. It's like I done a lot of great things and I have good friends, yet I feel hollow, incomplete, like something's always missing. The thing that's missing is happiness. I usually pretend to be happy and satisfied with my life and other stuff, but. I don't feel true happiness. I've become a kid with low self-esteem, low self-confidence. I've been told that I'm amazing, I'm beautiful, yet. I don't feel like it. Whenever, I speak up, I feel like other people will yell, like why am I even talking. An ugly person like me, an annoying person, a nobody. I feel like everyone will judge me, so I decided to blur into the crowd. to avoid any of that. I thought it'd be better, but here I am feeling empty, questioning my reason for being alive.
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Cora
I never knew it had a name. I've said for a very very long time that although I've grown better as an adult at pretending I'm fine and smiling and doing all the things that normal people do. I've never felt connected with people. I've always called it simply sever social anxiety and it's that too but. I've never been able to connect on any level other then superficial with people. Im the oh she's sweet person, but never the I wanna hang out with her person.
The image you had of the glass box. I've used that to try and explain to someone once what was wrong with me. That I was inside a glass box looking out. I could talk to and interact with people, but never touch them, fully understand them. be understood. I was told me I was being dramatic and that I was fine.
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I never knew it had a name. I've said for a very very long time that although I've grown better as an adult at pretending I'm fine and smiling and doing all the things that normal people do. I've never felt connected with people. I've always called it simply sever social anxiety and it's that too but. I've never been able to connect on any level other then superficial with people. Im the oh she's sweet person, but never the I wanna hang out with her person.
The image you had of the glass box. I've used that to try and explain to someone once what was wrong with me. That I was inside a glass box looking out. I could talk to and interact with people, but never touch them, fully understand them. be understood. I was told me I was being dramatic and that I was fine.
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Jellobagel
I feel like I'm going through this really heavily in my late 20s. Sometimes it feels like I got traumatized by the relationships i tried to build throughout my young adulthood that didn't end all that well. I feel like I haven't been willing to do the same things I used to, like I don't have the same motivation or drive. Sometimes I feel like I hit a point where nothing I could choose to do even felt satisfying because i never really got what I wanted despite how hard I worked. Now, my life isn't bad and objectively it's in the best place it ever has been. But everything I achieved still doesn't feel meaningful. I suppose looking at what i might be avoiding is valuable advice.
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I feel like I'm going through this really heavily in my late 20s. Sometimes it feels like I got traumatized by the relationships i tried to build throughout my young adulthood that didn't end all that well. I feel like I haven't been willing to do the same things I used to, like I don't have the same motivation or drive. Sometimes I feel like I hit a point where nothing I could choose to do even felt satisfying because i never really got what I wanted despite how hard I worked. Now, my life isn't bad and objectively it's in the best place it ever has been. But everything I achieved still doesn't feel meaningful. I suppose looking at what i might be avoiding is valuable advice.
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WynneL
For anyone who identifies with this a lot, and despairs over learning to get past it--be aware that if avoidance has significantly affected your life in a negative way, you may have actual Avoidant Personality Disorder. Talking to a well-trained therapist could change your life. Just as the video says, avoiding your avoidance won't make it go away, so you might as well face it.
It's not a one-day thing. Push yourself forward a little more every day. Don't look at the mountain, look at the footpath. Take only the next step. Good therapy can help you do it faster.
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For anyone who identifies with this a lot, and despairs over learning to get past it--be aware that if avoidance has significantly affected your life in a negative way, you may have actual Avoidant Personality Disorder. Talking to a well-trained therapist could change your life. Just as the video says, avoiding your avoidance won't make it go away, so you might as well face it.
It's not a one-day thing. Push yourself forward a little more every day. Don't look at the mountain, look at the footpath. Take only the next step. Good therapy can help you do it faster.
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dudeitsmilena
the thing is, i feel like this is kind of how i feel, im doing everything right, im super priviledged, so why does something feel like its missing? like a mini black hole in my soul that just longs for nonexistence, and everything i have to do while i exist just doesnt fill it up.
like i AM making deep connections, i AM going out sometimes, im not trying to avoid everything (well sometimes lool, but i still feel like not as happy as i should be. but maybe thats just life? or maybe thats the low dopamine in my brain bc of ADHD, idk LOL
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the thing is, i feel like this is kind of how i feel, im doing everything right, im super priviledged, so why does something feel like its missing? like a mini black hole in my soul that just longs for nonexistence, and everything i have to do while i exist just doesnt fill it up.
like i AM making deep connections, i AM going out sometimes, im not trying to avoid everything (well sometimes lool, but i still feel like not as happy as i should be. but maybe thats just life? or maybe thats the low dopamine in my brain bc of ADHD, idk LOL
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cherrybanana
I want to be close to people and make connections, but doing so means inevitably opening yourself up for hurt. It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation and I guess i'd rather be the latter cause it takes no effort and precious time that way. It is hard being so alone though, and knowing you only have yourself to blame for it, but I'd rather be safe on my own than at the whims of others who will never appreciate or respect me.
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I want to be close to people and make connections, but doing so means inevitably opening yourself up for hurt. It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation and I guess i'd rather be the latter cause it takes no effort and precious time that way. It is hard being so alone though, and knowing you only have yourself to blame for it, but I'd rather be safe on my own than at the whims of others who will never appreciate or respect me.
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Robert
There's a bit by Alan Watts on this:
The only way to handle danger is to face it.
When you don't, when you start getting frightened of it you project
unto it a ghost of anxieties and fantasies that aren't real.
And that's the real danger, that you'll be harmed by the ghost of a
problem that isn't really there.
And that's why when you meet one of these ghosts, you must walk
straight into it. And it will disappear.
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There's a bit by Alan Watts on this:
The only way to handle danger is to face it.
When you don't, when you start getting frightened of it you project
unto it a ghost of anxieties and fantasies that aren't real.
And that's the real danger, that you'll be harmed by the ghost of a
problem that isn't really there.
And that's why when you meet one of these ghosts, you must walk
straight into it. And it will disappear.
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Jenny
I feel like I hit the cheat code. I am still heavily avoidant but I refuse to give up on my dream career. Ive given up on friends and any relationships in general, except my kids. Ive given up on all that, except one thing, for everything! Im still incredibly emotionally juvenile but Im hitting the fast pass by constantly demanding feedback from the passersby and I havent given up on the fact that we can never say never except then
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I feel like I hit the cheat code. I am still heavily avoidant but I refuse to give up on my dream career. Ive given up on friends and any relationships in general, except my kids. Ive given up on all that, except one thing, for everything! Im still incredibly emotionally juvenile but Im hitting the fast pass by constantly demanding feedback from the passersby and I havent given up on the fact that we can never say never except then
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HUH?
Is this ehat I've been feeling all along. I thought it was depressione or I just didn't like people. Or I didn't find my thing or my passion. all the times people told me I was shutting them out I just. I thought they were too attached and when things got too serious I Dipped since it felt like they were trying to pry into my thoughts and there was no need. they don't need to really know everything about me right. I don't know.
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Is this ehat I've been feeling all along. I thought it was depressione or I just didn't like people. Or I didn't find my thing or my passion. all the times people told me I was shutting them out I just. I thought they were too attached and when things got too serious I Dipped since it felt like they were trying to pry into my thoughts and there was no need. they don't need to really know everything about me right. I don't know.
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Giacomo
I relate a lot with this but not with how to act to resolve it. I tend to accept anything and to not think about WHAT COULD HAPPEN anymore(i used to do it a lot) but i feel very empty. Like I'm there for anyone but I'm there for them, they are not there for me. I'm the one who goes toward others everytime. I need someone shows me how they care about me. But I can't feel ok wiithout external feedback. even if I know I'm ok.
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I relate a lot with this but not with how to act to resolve it. I tend to accept anything and to not think about WHAT COULD HAPPEN anymore(i used to do it a lot) but i feel very empty. Like I'm there for anyone but I'm there for them, they are not there for me. I'm the one who goes toward others everytime. I need someone shows me how they care about me. But I can't feel ok wiithout external feedback. even if I know I'm ok.
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Purgar316
No. I'm just alone. This is my curse. Every other issue I've solved myself. But loneliness is the only thing I require someone else's input to fix. And no one is willing. Maybe I'm just a terrible person, and I've deserved all this suffering. But what did I do that was so terrible that 20+ years of loneliness was justified? I'm tired of being tired of being alone. and I just want someone to wake up too
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No. I'm just alone. This is my curse. Every other issue I've solved myself. But loneliness is the only thing I require someone else's input to fix. And no one is willing. Maybe I'm just a terrible person, and I've deserved all this suffering. But what did I do that was so terrible that 20+ years of loneliness was justified? I'm tired of being tired of being alone. and I just want someone to wake up too
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Timothy
Feeling like your tired all the time, but can't make healthier choices, like going to bed earlier, or exercising regularly. Saying you're too busy to spend time with people, or attend to your relationships, when really you're just shutting everyone out. That hit hard, and relate so much to that. I been becoming aware of these deep seeded issues sabotaging myself, and it has been challenging for sure.
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Feeling like your tired all the time, but can't make healthier choices, like going to bed earlier, or exercising regularly. Saying you're too busy to spend time with people, or attend to your relationships, when really you're just shutting everyone out. That hit hard, and relate so much to that. I been becoming aware of these deep seeded issues sabotaging myself, and it has been challenging for sure.
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DjoumyDjoums
Went though this for years and I agree facing your problems is the real game changer, but you need to give yourself the right to fail and forgive yourself when doing so, otherwise you go back to avoidance very quickly. That said, facing your problems helps you see other people as they are, and makes you realize how much conflict and grief there can be between people
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Went though this for years and I agree facing your problems is the real game changer, but you need to give yourself the right to fail and forgive yourself when doing so, otherwise you go back to avoidance very quickly. That said, facing your problems helps you see other people as they are, and makes you realize how much conflict and grief there can be between people
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D. M. S.
But I don't know how!
I say yes to every invitation, to every social gathering, to every bit of chaos in my life, I try to give up as much control as I can, but then I'm suddenly called indecisive.
I want to do so much, but it is like I have a fog in my head, that holds me down, and as much as I want to, I can't escape it.
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But I don't know how!
I say yes to every invitation, to every social gathering, to every bit of chaos in my life, I try to give up as much control as I can, but then I'm suddenly called indecisive.
I want to do so much, but it is like I have a fog in my head, that holds me down, and as much as I want to, I can't escape it.
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Furious
You say to face the problem head on but I don't see a way to do that, the anxiety that comes with even thinking about it is so great that the only thing I can do really is to just distract myself with something else. If the problem comes to me then maybe I can deal with it, but not if I have to go and address it myself
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You say to face the problem head on but I don't see a way to do that, the anxiety that comes with even thinking about it is so great that the only thing I can do really is to just distract myself with something else. If the problem comes to me then maybe I can deal with it, but not if I have to go and address it myself
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Data
I think this video is missing the part where facing the problem can actually make avoidant people feel overwhelemed with emotions and even more out of control. Knowing healthy ways to regulate all those negative emotions that may arise when you try to be more active in your life is very important too.
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I think this video is missing the part where facing the problem can actually make avoidant people feel overwhelemed with emotions and even more out of control. Knowing healthy ways to regulate all those negative emotions that may arise when you try to be more active in your life is very important too.
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Mintfrost
I think I might have this, but I dont feel it all the time. I think Im just rlly afraid of abandonment. I had a whole group of friends who abandoned me and I thunk its negatively affected me ever since. Ive learned to bury my feelings and have trust issues: /
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I think I might have this, but I dont feel it all the time. I think Im just rlly afraid of abandonment. I had a whole group of friends who abandoned me and I thunk its negatively affected me ever since. Ive learned to bury my feelings and have trust issues: /
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Miro
I didnt have a problematic childhood but I kinda see myself in those examples especially that procrastinating from nice things part like I want to go play a video game but for whatever reason my brain just says nah lets watch some useless YT shorts
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I didnt have a problematic childhood but I kinda see myself in those examples especially that procrastinating from nice things part like I want to go play a video game but for whatever reason my brain just says nah lets watch some useless YT shorts
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Lxni_Lxu
I realised recently that i have emotional avoidance, because focusing and thinking about my own mental health and anxiety is too overwhelming and painful
Edit: after watching the video, i have realised that i almost definetly have this
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I realised recently that i have emotional avoidance, because focusing and thinking about my own mental health and anxiety is too overwhelming and painful
Edit: after watching the video, i have realised that i almost definetly have this
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