12 Harmless Phrases That Are Actually Toxic
video description
Date: 2023-08-20
Related videos
Comments and reviews: 25
MarieWolf_94
i feel like ive said these phrases multiple times, but, as i grew older, i tend to follow up w/ advice and/or making sure to say But the rest is up to you/But I'm not you nor in your situation, so do what YOU think is best/But that's just my two cents, you don't have to do what I say/That's just my opinion, etc etc. i make sure to sound as genuine as possible or make sure to make it known i'm not trying to force my opinion onto others, giving them the power to take my words and do w/ it as they like. in more dire circumstances, i might press a bit sure, but even then, i try to mind my words to not sound disingenuine and toxic. i aspire to be a psychologist, or something in that field of study (social worker, counselor, etc, so i want to learn all i can and, in a way, practice while i can. so far, my approach seems to be working well because my friends and sometimes family always come back to me and say ive really helped them out and/or made them feel better.
as was stated, dont worry if youve said any of these phrases. if you realized youve said these phrases quite often, dont worry, youre not a toxic person for saying them. so long as your intent was to help and you were genuine and constructive w/ your wording, you werent being toxic. if the person SAW it as toxic is another matter, but, in those cases, ask if you see or feel like the person youre speaking to seems hurt or offended. asking questions and showing that youre receptive of their feelings will give them a sense of validation and theyll open up to you more. communication is key
reply
i feel like ive said these phrases multiple times, but, as i grew older, i tend to follow up w/ advice and/or making sure to say But the rest is up to you/But I'm not you nor in your situation, so do what YOU think is best/But that's just my two cents, you don't have to do what I say/That's just my opinion, etc etc. i make sure to sound as genuine as possible or make sure to make it known i'm not trying to force my opinion onto others, giving them the power to take my words and do w/ it as they like. in more dire circumstances, i might press a bit sure, but even then, i try to mind my words to not sound disingenuine and toxic. i aspire to be a psychologist, or something in that field of study (social worker, counselor, etc, so i want to learn all i can and, in a way, practice while i can. so far, my approach seems to be working well because my friends and sometimes family always come back to me and say ive really helped them out and/or made them feel better.
as was stated, dont worry if youve said any of these phrases. if you realized youve said these phrases quite often, dont worry, youre not a toxic person for saying them. so long as your intent was to help and you were genuine and constructive w/ your wording, you werent being toxic. if the person SAW it as toxic is another matter, but, in those cases, ask if you see or feel like the person youre speaking to seems hurt or offended. asking questions and showing that youre receptive of their feelings will give them a sense of validation and theyll open up to you more. communication is key
reply
Lavender_pants
My gramma says so many of these and it makes me feel so insecure and inferior. I make one mistake with something and she wont trust me with that thing for the next two years. But she is also smart and I feel like I need to believe her with everything she says. She treats me differently than my brother who is 19 months older than me. Im pretty sure she thinks Im younger and therefore dumber. She once stalled me a brat directly to my face because I wanted to be in my iPad instead of playing a game of life, which I havent played in years but because I used to like it, I will get any chance I can have to play it. My mom doesnt like my gramma because she thinks she overreacts (she absolutely does) but my gramma doesnt know. A couple days ago I was sleeping over at my grammas house and was supposed to go to my girlfriends house but I hadnt gotten good sleep the past few days so I decided not to. (changed my mind later) my mom was in a different state at the time and she texted me a reminder to go to my girlfriends house at 12. this is important. i texted her back two. Words. Not going and so my mom asked my gramma why not. My gramma didnt know that I texted my mom and because of that, my gramma and dad said I was going behind my grammas back. IT WAS TWO WORDS. I would write more but cant. Sorry for making you read this if you did.
reply
My gramma says so many of these and it makes me feel so insecure and inferior. I make one mistake with something and she wont trust me with that thing for the next two years. But she is also smart and I feel like I need to believe her with everything she says. She treats me differently than my brother who is 19 months older than me. Im pretty sure she thinks Im younger and therefore dumber. She once stalled me a brat directly to my face because I wanted to be in my iPad instead of playing a game of life, which I havent played in years but because I used to like it, I will get any chance I can have to play it. My mom doesnt like my gramma because she thinks she overreacts (she absolutely does) but my gramma doesnt know. A couple days ago I was sleeping over at my grammas house and was supposed to go to my girlfriends house but I hadnt gotten good sleep the past few days so I decided not to. (changed my mind later) my mom was in a different state at the time and she texted me a reminder to go to my girlfriends house at 12. this is important. i texted her back two. Words. Not going and so my mom asked my gramma why not. My gramma didnt know that I texted my mom and because of that, my gramma and dad said I was going behind my grammas back. IT WAS TWO WORDS. I would write more but cant. Sorry for making you read this if you did.
reply
Grigeral
Only thing I can say is that given some of the statements on this list, literally 'anything' could be taken negatively when the person is in a negative headspace to begin with, so I'm not really sure what the alternative is.
If they are coming to you for help, you have the option of offering advice, or just offering an ear. If they want advice, then it is 'always' going to be skewed from your own perspective, because you can only offer advice from your own experiences. And generally speaking, people who 'say' they just want someone to listen to them often don't 'just' want that. They want affirmation, that they aren't just being needlessly emotional or something else.
In which case, how exactly are you meant to react? An empowering comment could be taken badly. Telling them they are ok in their misery does nothing really to help and not offering anything if that's what they actually wanted would be worse than anything because it would feel like you just aren't bothered. It's an impossible minefield to navigate.
This is why generally if someone approaches me about a problem I will usually ask up front if they want me to give an honest opinion on the situation, or if they are just looking to vent their circumstances or someone to hear them out.
reply
Only thing I can say is that given some of the statements on this list, literally 'anything' could be taken negatively when the person is in a negative headspace to begin with, so I'm not really sure what the alternative is.
If they are coming to you for help, you have the option of offering advice, or just offering an ear. If they want advice, then it is 'always' going to be skewed from your own perspective, because you can only offer advice from your own experiences. And generally speaking, people who 'say' they just want someone to listen to them often don't 'just' want that. They want affirmation, that they aren't just being needlessly emotional or something else.
In which case, how exactly are you meant to react? An empowering comment could be taken badly. Telling them they are ok in their misery does nothing really to help and not offering anything if that's what they actually wanted would be worse than anything because it would feel like you just aren't bothered. It's an impossible minefield to navigate.
This is why generally if someone approaches me about a problem I will usually ask up front if they want me to give an honest opinion on the situation, or if they are just looking to vent their circumstances or someone to hear them out.
reply
svpcharls
There are a few things that are quite problematic about this list and the interpretations. Many of these are just that, harmless and come from a place of empathy and genuine sincerity. Many of the consequences listed have more to do with the individual's interpretation, rather, transliteration of what's being said than what is actually being said. perhaps it would be helpful to suggest alternative replacements to address each scenario. These are very individual reactions, and all shouldn't be blanketly labeled toxic. Whether it's marital advice or consolation for the loss of a loved one, a person grieving may find more solace and comfort in the words of someone who has been there before instead of someone who can't relate. I do agree, the declaration of poverty in parts of the world worse off than me, doesn't relieve my financial concerns and make me feel better, but a few of these can be taken off the toxic list
reply
There are a few things that are quite problematic about this list and the interpretations. Many of these are just that, harmless and come from a place of empathy and genuine sincerity. Many of the consequences listed have more to do with the individual's interpretation, rather, transliteration of what's being said than what is actually being said. perhaps it would be helpful to suggest alternative replacements to address each scenario. These are very individual reactions, and all shouldn't be blanketly labeled toxic. Whether it's marital advice or consolation for the loss of a loved one, a person grieving may find more solace and comfort in the words of someone who has been there before instead of someone who can't relate. I do agree, the declaration of poverty in parts of the world worse off than me, doesn't relieve my financial concerns and make me feel better, but a few of these can be taken off the toxic list
reply
Lyc
There is one phrase what I really miss here: Don't take it personally, you need to learn not to get effected by that. When someone yells at me, or treat me with disrespect. This let me feel, I am to weak, because I not strong enough to block those things from me. But here is the thing. I do know already why ppl treat me with disrespect, that it has nothing to deal with me, but I still care. I don't care, why someone is acting like an assh, but I do care, if that person use me as trashcan and I don't exept that behavior. I don't understand why bulling other ppl is ok. And there is an other thing. Often ppl who said those phrases to me, usually also react hurtfully, when someone attackes them as well. So why I have to learn to handle that? The sad truth is, I don't come ofer it anymore, because it happend to often, and my shild is broken now.
reply
There is one phrase what I really miss here: Don't take it personally, you need to learn not to get effected by that. When someone yells at me, or treat me with disrespect. This let me feel, I am to weak, because I not strong enough to block those things from me. But here is the thing. I do know already why ppl treat me with disrespect, that it has nothing to deal with me, but I still care. I don't care, why someone is acting like an assh, but I do care, if that person use me as trashcan and I don't exept that behavior. I don't understand why bulling other ppl is ok. And there is an other thing. Often ppl who said those phrases to me, usually also react hurtfully, when someone attackes them as well. So why I have to learn to handle that? The sad truth is, I don't come ofer it anymore, because it happend to often, and my shild is broken now.
reply
Levi
I cannot say that i am a perfect person. Actually, im far from it. I have unintentionally made people i love feel bad or worse but. i am still trying to work it out with myself. I always talked it with them and tried to not repeat something that is out of their boundaries. Im still working on a lot of things to improve myself and its hard. I wont lie to you. But i am doing it for the people i love and myself. Sure, ive been trough enough and theres so much i still have to go trough but that doesnt mean i should stay miserable and make others miserable too.
Anyways, thank you for listening to me ranting about this but, the meaning of this comment is to tell you that its ok to reflect on yourself and your mistakes and i am proud of you for trying to improve yourself. Stay focused and strong and i love you. No matter who you are.
reply
I cannot say that i am a perfect person. Actually, im far from it. I have unintentionally made people i love feel bad or worse but. i am still trying to work it out with myself. I always talked it with them and tried to not repeat something that is out of their boundaries. Im still working on a lot of things to improve myself and its hard. I wont lie to you. But i am doing it for the people i love and myself. Sure, ive been trough enough and theres so much i still have to go trough but that doesnt mean i should stay miserable and make others miserable too.
Anyways, thank you for listening to me ranting about this but, the meaning of this comment is to tell you that its ok to reflect on yourself and your mistakes and i am proud of you for trying to improve yourself. Stay focused and strong and i love you. No matter who you are.
reply
Just
These are all valid points. What i'd like to say is that from the point of view of someone who has tried to help a friend going through a rough time or trauma i always feel completely helpless to do anything. It's one of the worst feelings watching a friend thats miserable and knowing nothing you say or do will help them. The best thing is to listen and let them vent without interjecting anything. Only if they ask for advice do i speak up, and even then i have admittedly said many of these things. Sometimes just listening is all you really can do. If you trust your friend, trust that they can figure it out in their time at their pace and will seek out help when they can and are ready to. And always let them know you are there for them(and be there for them when they need it. Empty words or phrases you don't mean do nothing.
reply
These are all valid points. What i'd like to say is that from the point of view of someone who has tried to help a friend going through a rough time or trauma i always feel completely helpless to do anything. It's one of the worst feelings watching a friend thats miserable and knowing nothing you say or do will help them. The best thing is to listen and let them vent without interjecting anything. Only if they ask for advice do i speak up, and even then i have admittedly said many of these things. Sometimes just listening is all you really can do. If you trust your friend, trust that they can figure it out in their time at their pace and will seek out help when they can and are ready to. And always let them know you are there for them(and be there for them when they need it. Empty words or phrases you don't mean do nothing.
reply
Ezrah
Like when my mum says BuT DiD yOu DiEeEeEe every time smth terrible happens
example: my hamster (one of the first things that where actually MINE that I take care of and only me) dies and I was sad for a long time and for a while I would be sad when I saw her favorite treats in the store and my mum would notice me being sad and say im sad to or iv been there too and stuff like that when actually NO YOU HAVEN'T SHE WAS MINE THE FIRST THING THAT WAS ACTUALLY MINE YOUR FIRST THING WAS ME AND THE RAT THAT BIT U AND U YEETED AWAY COZ U HATED IT AND ME AND MY SISTER ARE HERE OK MOM YOU ARSE WHO GASLIGHTS EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT
reply
Like when my mum says BuT DiD yOu DiEeEeEe every time smth terrible happens
example: my hamster (one of the first things that where actually MINE that I take care of and only me) dies and I was sad for a long time and for a while I would be sad when I saw her favorite treats in the store and my mum would notice me being sad and say im sad to or iv been there too and stuff like that when actually NO YOU HAVEN'T SHE WAS MINE THE FIRST THING THAT WAS ACTUALLY MINE YOUR FIRST THING WAS ME AND THE RAT THAT BIT U AND U YEETED AWAY COZ U HATED IT AND ME AND MY SISTER ARE HERE OK MOM YOU ARSE WHO GASLIGHTS EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT
reply
Kevin
I think that people spend too much time focusing on their own false interpretation of people's words rather than the actual factual intent behind them, and the very real kindness behind that intent. I think this video will inevitably feed that poor behavior. I have heard all these phrases, and the people saying them genuinely care for me. Misinterpretation cause more pain and problems than perceived sleights of a grieving heart. You may need to feel your emotions, but people need to realize that these emotions are not logical and will inevitably lead them astray and drive a wedge between them and their loved ones.
reply
I think that people spend too much time focusing on their own false interpretation of people's words rather than the actual factual intent behind them, and the very real kindness behind that intent. I think this video will inevitably feed that poor behavior. I have heard all these phrases, and the people saying them genuinely care for me. Misinterpretation cause more pain and problems than perceived sleights of a grieving heart. You may need to feel your emotions, but people need to realize that these emotions are not logical and will inevitably lead them astray and drive a wedge between them and their loved ones.
reply
TiefseeToaster
No. 2 reminded me more of the religious types than the other things mentioned here. Which can feel even more devastating when it comes from someone who is believing.
Also, a phrase a bit off that can be deeply hurting or at least be annoying: Oh, so you're still alive. In my part of the world this is a common saying if you havent seen someone for at least half a year or so. Feels different when close people died recently though.
Or, on a different page, when the person saying that is in their 80s. Especially tempting in that combination to ask the same question.
reply
No. 2 reminded me more of the religious types than the other things mentioned here. Which can feel even more devastating when it comes from someone who is believing.
Also, a phrase a bit off that can be deeply hurting or at least be annoying: Oh, so you're still alive. In my part of the world this is a common saying if you havent seen someone for at least half a year or so. Feels different when close people died recently though.
Or, on a different page, when the person saying that is in their 80s. Especially tempting in that combination to ask the same question.
reply
HailAnts
The 'What doesn't kill you. ' is the worst one.
No, it doesn't make you stronger, it definitively makes you weaker. And it makes you ten times more scared to try it again than you were before.
It isn't a life lesson, you don't learn from it, it's not an opportunity. It's a painful failure.
It shows you clearly that you cannot do something that you wanted to do and how bad it feels to even try.
It is pain, combined with humiliation, crippling soul-crushing sadness, and total emotional scarring.
It's actual lesson is, never try.
reply
The 'What doesn't kill you. ' is the worst one.
No, it doesn't make you stronger, it definitively makes you weaker. And it makes you ten times more scared to try it again than you were before.
It isn't a life lesson, you don't learn from it, it's not an opportunity. It's a painful failure.
It shows you clearly that you cannot do something that you wanted to do and how bad it feels to even try.
It is pain, combined with humiliation, crippling soul-crushing sadness, and total emotional scarring.
It's actual lesson is, never try.
reply
Edgy
The first one can honestly go both ways. Someone venting to you without any desire for your advice, means you might as well not be there. I'm sorry I understand whatever stock response they are looking for is not unique to you. So frankly, i'm fairly firm in the mindset that I should not be bothered with what I cannot change. This may be a critical error in the typical male to female communication flow, but I think most males would agree with me that spreading your negative feelings without allowing participation, stems from a generally toxic need.
reply
The first one can honestly go both ways. Someone venting to you without any desire for your advice, means you might as well not be there. I'm sorry I understand whatever stock response they are looking for is not unique to you. So frankly, i'm fairly firm in the mindset that I should not be bothered with what I cannot change. This may be a critical error in the typical male to female communication flow, but I think most males would agree with me that spreading your negative feelings without allowing participation, stems from a generally toxic need.
reply
Nomen
A lot depends on a person's motive.
When people are genuinely trying to help, one can tell by their body language, facial expression, and tone of voice. Maybe they use a trite, cliche phrase because that's all they've got, but their face and eyes can still show love and concern.
Other people may use the same exact phrase, but with a bored dismissive look and voice tone. They just use the phrase to shut the other person down (or up) usually so they can change the subject to something they find more interesting, like themselves.
reply
A lot depends on a person's motive.
When people are genuinely trying to help, one can tell by their body language, facial expression, and tone of voice. Maybe they use a trite, cliche phrase because that's all they've got, but their face and eyes can still show love and concern.
Other people may use the same exact phrase, but with a bored dismissive look and voice tone. They just use the phrase to shut the other person down (or up) usually so they can change the subject to something they find more interesting, like themselves.
reply
Takata
I remember hearing that _sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you_ quote a bit in my early childhood - I've since learned that said quote is completely and utterly ignorant at best, and a bold-faced lie at worst.
Broken bones can be healed or reinforced/replaced with prosthetics, but words can leave you with deep mental and emotional wounds that, at best, will never fully heal and, at worst, fester like some malignant tumor until it swallows you whole and ends you.
reply
I remember hearing that _sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you_ quote a bit in my early childhood - I've since learned that said quote is completely and utterly ignorant at best, and a bold-faced lie at worst.
Broken bones can be healed or reinforced/replaced with prosthetics, but words can leave you with deep mental and emotional wounds that, at best, will never fully heal and, at worst, fester like some malignant tumor until it swallows you whole and ends you.
reply
Greggles
Gonna have to strongly disagree with don't worry about it. It's a casual way of accepting an apology. I think something is deeply wrong with somebody reading that deeply into don't worry about it and believing their feelings of worry are invalidated. Because at that point, the worrying is irrational anxiety and isn't valid. If you spill soup, and somebody smiles and says no problem, don't worry about it. that means you can let go of some of the guilt. Honestly the only weird take in this list.
reply
Gonna have to strongly disagree with don't worry about it. It's a casual way of accepting an apology. I think something is deeply wrong with somebody reading that deeply into don't worry about it and believing their feelings of worry are invalidated. Because at that point, the worrying is irrational anxiety and isn't valid. If you spill soup, and somebody smiles and says no problem, don't worry about it. that means you can let go of some of the guilt. Honestly the only weird take in this list.
reply
Sleepy
one that really got me once was my friend telling me something along the lines of can you try to be more positive? you really bring me down (there was more to it, but that was basically what she told me) when i was at one of the highest points mentally/emotionally in a really long time - like it was the happiest i had been in a long time - no knowledge of me being negative for a good while (at least not like i had been in the past)
idk, looking back on it still makes me feel shitty: /
reply
one that really got me once was my friend telling me something along the lines of can you try to be more positive? you really bring me down (there was more to it, but that was basically what she told me) when i was at one of the highest points mentally/emotionally in a really long time - like it was the happiest i had been in a long time - no knowledge of me being negative for a good while (at least not like i had been in the past)
idk, looking back on it still makes me feel shitty: /
reply
Bella
When I declined a promotion my boss said I only want whats best for you. No, sir, you only want whats best for you and thats to have me make you look good
He also tried Im trying to be a father figure and give you guidance.
He is in the unfortunate position of having to work to maintain a lifestyle, Im in the position to have spent my money wisely, have very little debt, and can travel and work on my terms. Why would I trade that all for a title.
reply
When I declined a promotion my boss said I only want whats best for you. No, sir, you only want whats best for you and thats to have me make you look good
He also tried Im trying to be a father figure and give you guidance.
He is in the unfortunate position of having to work to maintain a lifestyle, Im in the position to have spent my money wisely, have very little debt, and can travel and work on my terms. Why would I trade that all for a title.
reply
Auraron
If someone got hurt or sad i used to say ive been there too or that has happened to me too because i get embarrassed or i dont know how to react? ive tried to stop saying it and i dont say that phrase alot anymore. but it depends on the person- some people drain my energy so i dont really have empahty for them but that was in the past: o they still do drain my energy and annoy me on purpose which makes me snap and lose my empathy for them: :
reply
If someone got hurt or sad i used to say ive been there too or that has happened to me too because i get embarrassed or i dont know how to react? ive tried to stop saying it and i dont say that phrase alot anymore. but it depends on the person- some people drain my energy so i dont really have empahty for them but that was in the past: o they still do drain my energy and annoy me on purpose which makes me snap and lose my empathy for them: :
reply
Hana
once a honeypot fell down from a cupboard when i opened it and broke a cup filled with juice below. i was furious when it happened but my parents told me it was nothing so i shouldn't be shouting, but i took it too much. when recently i was carrying a bowl with hot soup and some of it poured over my hand and i dropped it i literally started crying but was trying to convince myself that it's nothing but i couldn't stop crying
reply
once a honeypot fell down from a cupboard when i opened it and broke a cup filled with juice below. i was furious when it happened but my parents told me it was nothing so i shouldn't be shouting, but i took it too much. when recently i was carrying a bowl with hot soup and some of it poured over my hand and i dropped it i literally started crying but was trying to convince myself that it's nothing but i couldn't stop crying
reply
Shadow1Yaz
Something I find interesting is that there are non toxic equivalents to these phrases.
Some that immediately come to mind is it may seem insignificant but your feelings are real and I know youre a strong person, but even the strongest people need a break and time May heal wounds but you need to acknowledge theres a problem before you can fix the problem and I want to reassure you that Im not upset or mad at you
reply
Something I find interesting is that there are non toxic equivalents to these phrases.
Some that immediately come to mind is it may seem insignificant but your feelings are real and I know youre a strong person, but even the strongest people need a break and time May heal wounds but you need to acknowledge theres a problem before you can fix the problem and I want to reassure you that Im not upset or mad at you
reply
Ryder
5: 29 I can't help with number 9 as I have ADHD and therefore have an anecdotal conversation style, I don't say, I've been there too, I just relate their situation to a story where I've been through a similar, if not, the same situation. It is how I try to show that understand and show that I care, but I understand it's annoying and it has made people not want to be around me
reply
5: 29 I can't help with number 9 as I have ADHD and therefore have an anecdotal conversation style, I don't say, I've been there too, I just relate their situation to a story where I've been through a similar, if not, the same situation. It is how I try to show that understand and show that I care, but I understand it's annoying and it has made people not want to be around me
reply
AmyJ.
I kind of identify with Things that don't kill you, make you stronger cuz although essentially yes there is mental anguish with the damage endured. The healing period, especially in therapy helps. Things do heal with time, and little efforts here and there. Being invalidated by others however, can be a triggering pain point for others.
reply
I kind of identify with Things that don't kill you, make you stronger cuz although essentially yes there is mental anguish with the damage endured. The healing period, especially in therapy helps. Things do heal with time, and little efforts here and there. Being invalidated by others however, can be a triggering pain point for others.
reply
education
Yello, l have a question is the phrase Suck it up or Pull yourself together is a toxic saying because my teacher have been saying it everytime l cry because l personally think its toxic to me. Yes l want to express some feelings, but l have been told bottling your feelings isnt healthy is my teacher toxic or trying to help me?
reply
Yello, l have a question is the phrase Suck it up or Pull yourself together is a toxic saying because my teacher have been saying it everytime l cry because l personally think its toxic to me. Yes l want to express some feelings, but l have been told bottling your feelings isnt healthy is my teacher toxic or trying to help me?
reply
CodyF
Me, to my mother: im scared, and i have no ability to control whether or not i actually make it home except in a bodybag
Her: well, dont let it affect you and just be you
Me: you say that like its somehow my fault that there are so many people making me feel unsafe and they look the same as those who are safe. Its not.
reply
Me, to my mother: im scared, and i have no ability to control whether or not i actually make it home except in a bodybag
Her: well, dont let it affect you and just be you
Me: you say that like its somehow my fault that there are so many people making me feel unsafe and they look the same as those who are safe. Its not.
reply
I_LoveBFDI
My parents would always think I was overreacting as a child (not yet diagnosed, but later diagnosed with severe depression) and always said, Is this a practical thing to get upset about? and it just made me more upset because I felt like I was getting upset over nothing and would bottle up my emotions because of it.
reply
My parents would always think I was overreacting as a child (not yet diagnosed, but later diagnosed with severe depression) and always said, Is this a practical thing to get upset about? and it just made me more upset because I felt like I was getting upset over nothing and would bottle up my emotions because of it.
reply
Add a review, comment
Other channel videos
