8 Common Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family
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Date: 2023-08-20
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Comments and reviews: 25
agyaat
I don't know how many people will understand my pov.
I am eldest daughter of an Indian dysfunctional joint family. I have grown up watching arguments and fights, literally every day. I see my mother crying. I know she is hurt so I try to be there for her so that she can atleast talk to me but lately I am unable to offer her any support. I am tired of the constant fights, loud voices, shouting and arguments. It is making me crazy. I am mad at my parents that they decided to stay in such toxic family just because of social values and neglected the fact that there children are getting affected by all this family drama. I am becoming distant from every one. I have lost all my friends because i feel like I have nothing to talk about. my conversation are generally me crying about something. so I have stopped talking to everyone so that I don't burden them. but I am unable to deal with all this right now.
I understand the sacrifices my parents have made for me. I respect that. but they don't understand that I need my own space my life. the choices they made is not my fault. I want a happy normal life. but they don't understand such things.
I don't know who all can relate. but that's just everyday of my life.
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I don't know how many people will understand my pov.
I am eldest daughter of an Indian dysfunctional joint family. I have grown up watching arguments and fights, literally every day. I see my mother crying. I know she is hurt so I try to be there for her so that she can atleast talk to me but lately I am unable to offer her any support. I am tired of the constant fights, loud voices, shouting and arguments. It is making me crazy. I am mad at my parents that they decided to stay in such toxic family just because of social values and neglected the fact that there children are getting affected by all this family drama. I am becoming distant from every one. I have lost all my friends because i feel like I have nothing to talk about. my conversation are generally me crying about something. so I have stopped talking to everyone so that I don't burden them. but I am unable to deal with all this right now.
I understand the sacrifices my parents have made for me. I respect that. but they don't understand that I need my own space my life. the choices they made is not my fault. I want a happy normal life. but they don't understand such things.
I don't know who all can relate. but that's just everyday of my life.
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Raisa
I can relate a lot with the perfectionism part even if my family is not dysfunctional, and the main problem I feel is that I am always compared without mum even realizing she's comparing, either with her friend's daughter or with a highly meritorious relative.
I don't get why mum can't embrace me the way I am as if I have deliberately chosen to regress(more so during this pandemic, not everyone's got the same level of potential and capacity to shine in every aspect of life.
I feel so left out despite all the hard work I put into building a bright future and end up having low self-esteem, mum thinks that being perfect in everything leads to success, but the effort goes unnoticed which is dissappointing. There's not a decision I take on my own, I always consult mum if not with dad if its feasible or not. Still, it seems no one seem to care much about my mental and physical wellbeing. The degree, marriage, job are valued more over my psychological wellbeing, not saying those three are useless but parents are too obsessed with materialism if not everybody's parents.
Worrying is very much normal for parents and eldest siblings but when they take this overboard, it can be downright annoying.
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I can relate a lot with the perfectionism part even if my family is not dysfunctional, and the main problem I feel is that I am always compared without mum even realizing she's comparing, either with her friend's daughter or with a highly meritorious relative.
I don't get why mum can't embrace me the way I am as if I have deliberately chosen to regress(more so during this pandemic, not everyone's got the same level of potential and capacity to shine in every aspect of life.
I feel so left out despite all the hard work I put into building a bright future and end up having low self-esteem, mum thinks that being perfect in everything leads to success, but the effort goes unnoticed which is dissappointing. There's not a decision I take on my own, I always consult mum if not with dad if its feasible or not. Still, it seems no one seem to care much about my mental and physical wellbeing. The degree, marriage, job are valued more over my psychological wellbeing, not saying those three are useless but parents are too obsessed with materialism if not everybody's parents.
Worrying is very much normal for parents and eldest siblings but when they take this overboard, it can be downright annoying.
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Elise
I grew up in a family where my parents didn't show any interest in me. I felt like they never cared about me but i always cared so much about them.
They both dealt with trauma and when we had converstations it would always be about that topic. I would say that i was their therapist instead of their child. I lived with my dad almost my whole life. wich sucked (also caused me trauma. He drank a lot and overworked himself so he was always exausted. Me and my brother where left home alone a lot and had many fights out of boredom or frustration.
I missed my mom so much but when i hung out with her she would only talk about her trauma's. I often went home really sad and stressed. I never felt like i matterd by either of my parents, actually they made me feel worse about myself. I now struggle A LOT in life. lot's of anxiety and depression. Still trying my best to have faith in myself!
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I grew up in a family where my parents didn't show any interest in me. I felt like they never cared about me but i always cared so much about them.
They both dealt with trauma and when we had converstations it would always be about that topic. I would say that i was their therapist instead of their child. I lived with my dad almost my whole life. wich sucked (also caused me trauma. He drank a lot and overworked himself so he was always exausted. Me and my brother where left home alone a lot and had many fights out of boredom or frustration.
I missed my mom so much but when i hung out with her she would only talk about her trauma's. I often went home really sad and stressed. I never felt like i matterd by either of my parents, actually they made me feel worse about myself. I now struggle A LOT in life. lot's of anxiety and depression. Still trying my best to have faith in myself!
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Hello
I started to realize only recently that my family dynamics are pretty different. I'm currently quarantining with my cousins and I guess this is how they work as a family but it feels incredibly isolating to me.
1. Everyone has meals at different times. No one waits for the other to have meals.
2. People coop up in their bedrooms all day.
3. When they order delivery, they only order for themselves, they don't ask anyone else if they want something.
4. No one offers to do chores. You actually have to ASK people to clean up.
My own upbringing gave me a different idea of what family is, maybe it's a different standard and maybe what I notice isn't necessarily dysfunctional but that 'doing your own thing' and 'merely cohabitating' dynamics just make me really sad.
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I started to realize only recently that my family dynamics are pretty different. I'm currently quarantining with my cousins and I guess this is how they work as a family but it feels incredibly isolating to me.
1. Everyone has meals at different times. No one waits for the other to have meals.
2. People coop up in their bedrooms all day.
3. When they order delivery, they only order for themselves, they don't ask anyone else if they want something.
4. No one offers to do chores. You actually have to ASK people to clean up.
My own upbringing gave me a different idea of what family is, maybe it's a different standard and maybe what I notice isn't necessarily dysfunctional but that 'doing your own thing' and 'merely cohabitating' dynamics just make me really sad.
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Mimi
No wonder my Mom and Dad literally constantly disagreed in how to raise me when I was growing up. because my Mom was getting info from Prince Andrew on how to raise me (he would visit her at work), and then she would get different info from my Dad on how to raise me. which would lead her to feeling conflicted and ashamed at the same time (because of her background; Filipino women normally don't cheat due to the island being hugely religious, and if they do, they become a pariah. It doesn't matter that my Dad cheated on her first multiple times, the island is still super religious and old fashioned and would still judge for cheating, period. Hopefully things have changed, and people in the Philippines don't judge such things as much. but I'm pretty sure it hasn't.
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No wonder my Mom and Dad literally constantly disagreed in how to raise me when I was growing up. because my Mom was getting info from Prince Andrew on how to raise me (he would visit her at work), and then she would get different info from my Dad on how to raise me. which would lead her to feeling conflicted and ashamed at the same time (because of her background; Filipino women normally don't cheat due to the island being hugely religious, and if they do, they become a pariah. It doesn't matter that my Dad cheated on her first multiple times, the island is still super religious and old fashioned and would still judge for cheating, period. Hopefully things have changed, and people in the Philippines don't judge such things as much. but I'm pretty sure it hasn't.
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Malcolm
Lord, I miss my mother because out of five kids and my Dad, I am the only one with compassion still left in my heart. My siblings have taken after my Dad's personality and I am tore down continously by them. That, after being in an 7 1/2 year relationship/marriage in which I endured the same. The last woman that I was with was for 8 years and I'm still puzzled as to why we split up. Probably because I didn't seek the help to deal with the damage from all I endured. I kick myself in the ass for not being more disciplined financially when I had a great paying job because I'm absolutely miserable having to have contact and be at the mercy of my family. If I didn't wake up tomorrow, I would be just fine with that outcome.
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Lord, I miss my mother because out of five kids and my Dad, I am the only one with compassion still left in my heart. My siblings have taken after my Dad's personality and I am tore down continously by them. That, after being in an 7 1/2 year relationship/marriage in which I endured the same. The last woman that I was with was for 8 years and I'm still puzzled as to why we split up. Probably because I didn't seek the help to deal with the damage from all I endured. I kick myself in the ass for not being more disciplined financially when I had a great paying job because I'm absolutely miserable having to have contact and be at the mercy of my family. If I didn't wake up tomorrow, I would be just fine with that outcome.
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Zharia
I stopped trying because I was the one that didnt get love, my older sister did, all I get is being ganged up on and told that Im crazy. I really had to do some serious realizing that when I go to college, I dont want to come home. I want to start my business at school so I can buy a place to stay and wont come home to my mother, before I was so co dependent on her that I lost my chance to get my drivers license because she was too scared of me driving her car, and Im sick of the lies and broken promises. Im ready to go and never come back because I never had a relationship with my family so leaving is easy for me.
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I stopped trying because I was the one that didnt get love, my older sister did, all I get is being ganged up on and told that Im crazy. I really had to do some serious realizing that when I go to college, I dont want to come home. I want to start my business at school so I can buy a place to stay and wont come home to my mother, before I was so co dependent on her that I lost my chance to get my drivers license because she was too scared of me driving her car, and Im sick of the lies and broken promises. Im ready to go and never come back because I never had a relationship with my family so leaving is easy for me.
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Yash
If so many families are unhappy maybe families are unnatural? What if we had a system where we just created people in labs and they had no families but an education system which would train them for specific vocations and take care of them and feed them in a giant hostel like system but scaled to society level? Like in brave new world or something.
Please let us all be rational. There should be an alternative to families if so many of us suffer and have to go through so much pain. There should be an alternative option. My idea has merit and will take time but eventually it is the one which will be realised.
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If so many families are unhappy maybe families are unnatural? What if we had a system where we just created people in labs and they had no families but an education system which would train them for specific vocations and take care of them and feed them in a giant hostel like system but scaled to society level? Like in brave new world or something.
Please let us all be rational. There should be an alternative to families if so many of us suffer and have to go through so much pain. There should be an alternative option. My idea has merit and will take time but eventually it is the one which will be realised.
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Sidracula
If you're a teen or a kid facing challenges everyday due to living with dysfunctional parents and siblings, then let me assure you it will never get better. Just don't argue, carry their toxic behavior or let them get under your skin. There will come a time when you'll be free, but you have let yourself become free physically as well as mentally. Do not carry what they gave you to your new house. Another thing, you may consciously or unconsciously attract a dysfunctional partner as a result of what you've been through. Avoid do that otherwise it'll be like leaving one hell for another. Hang in there!
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If you're a teen or a kid facing challenges everyday due to living with dysfunctional parents and siblings, then let me assure you it will never get better. Just don't argue, carry their toxic behavior or let them get under your skin. There will come a time when you'll be free, but you have let yourself become free physically as well as mentally. Do not carry what they gave you to your new house. Another thing, you may consciously or unconsciously attract a dysfunctional partner as a result of what you've been through. Avoid do that otherwise it'll be like leaving one hell for another. Hang in there!
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Ayat
It was so hard to watch this. It was so hard to hear someone saying everything thats been wrong for the past 17 years, everything that youve never been able to express. It is so hard to accept the fact that I might never be able to have those late night talks with my mother the way I used to as a child because now I know that slapping me and shouting at whatever I say isnt acceptable. It hurts me that Ive just now realised why I could never talk to my father about changing my subjects at school or that I need a water bottle or a new uniform. It hurts so much I cant bear this anymore.
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It was so hard to watch this. It was so hard to hear someone saying everything thats been wrong for the past 17 years, everything that youve never been able to express. It is so hard to accept the fact that I might never be able to have those late night talks with my mother the way I used to as a child because now I know that slapping me and shouting at whatever I say isnt acceptable. It hurts me that Ive just now realised why I could never talk to my father about changing my subjects at school or that I need a water bottle or a new uniform. It hurts so much I cant bear this anymore.
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Daniel
I want to be a part of a family that gets along with one another. I get along with my parents and talk to some of my siblings sometimes but my siblings think they're so much better off without family and always creating problems. I want to start my own family and find a wife that respects my family so I can at least include her into the family and set a better example than my siblings but I have no luck in relationships so I constantly feel frustrated that I can't do that and stuck in this current dysfunctional family situation.
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I want to be a part of a family that gets along with one another. I get along with my parents and talk to some of my siblings sometimes but my siblings think they're so much better off without family and always creating problems. I want to start my own family and find a wife that respects my family so I can at least include her into the family and set a better example than my siblings but I have no luck in relationships so I constantly feel frustrated that I can't do that and stuck in this current dysfunctional family situation.
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ProudlyPeculiar225
For years I told my Mother that I didnt like the way my aunt made me feel. She ALWAYS replied with Thats youre auntie! . Her response never made any sense, largely because it doesnt make any sense!
As of now, I no longer have relations with my Narcissistic abuser of an aunt, while helping my Mother to evolve into her role as the parent of a very self aware adult son. I am now confident in my ability to enforce healthy boundaries in my life.
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For years I told my Mother that I didnt like the way my aunt made me feel. She ALWAYS replied with Thats youre auntie! . Her response never made any sense, largely because it doesnt make any sense!
As of now, I no longer have relations with my Narcissistic abuser of an aunt, while helping my Mother to evolve into her role as the parent of a very self aware adult son. I am now confident in my ability to enforce healthy boundaries in my life.
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Maggie
I'm 55yrs old. my grandmother was dysfunctional. My parents were dysfunctional. I have disorders, my sons and grandson have disorders. From birth my life's been chaos. Growing up and to the outside world it looked like a normal family but no it wasn't. I struggle with childhood emotional neglect. The chaos has not gone away. my son his wife and dog live in the car. I've held all the family together. I mostly stay in. bed due to depression, I can't cope.
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I'm 55yrs old. my grandmother was dysfunctional. My parents were dysfunctional. I have disorders, my sons and grandson have disorders. From birth my life's been chaos. Growing up and to the outside world it looked like a normal family but no it wasn't. I struggle with childhood emotional neglect. The chaos has not gone away. my son his wife and dog live in the car. I've held all the family together. I mostly stay in. bed due to depression, I can't cope.
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Syed
I can relate to this analysis. My father never see me as a useful person. He only sees me as a burden. The fact that I am his flesh and blood, he never sees me as his son. He only cares about his work and has no time for me. The same goes for my mother. When I try to share my problems with my family, they scold and shout at me and I have learned to adjust with that. And it has been going on with me since childhood.
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I can relate to this analysis. My father never see me as a useful person. He only sees me as a burden. The fact that I am his flesh and blood, he never sees me as his son. He only cares about his work and has no time for me. The same goes for my mother. When I try to share my problems with my family, they scold and shout at me and I have learned to adjust with that. And it has been going on with me since childhood.
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Nivina22
My family members arent bad (except one) but their incredible lack of communication makes them fight constantly (like 3 times a day minimum) and I'm sick of it, due to this I also inherited the no communication style that bothers both parts. I dont really consider that my family, school is better. I want to leave my home when im 18+ but Im afraid they'd take it bad and I know they dont deserve it.
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My family members arent bad (except one) but their incredible lack of communication makes them fight constantly (like 3 times a day minimum) and I'm sick of it, due to this I also inherited the no communication style that bothers both parts. I dont really consider that my family, school is better. I want to leave my home when im 18+ but Im afraid they'd take it bad and I know they dont deserve it.
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Hannie
What methods have you tried to bring your family back together?
I don't even want to try anymore, I just want to take my lil sister away from them and raise her myself. I don't want to see my mother ever again, and my father's always at work so he doesn't have the time.
I just want my sister safe, I don't care about the rest of them.
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What methods have you tried to bring your family back together?
I don't even want to try anymore, I just want to take my lil sister away from them and raise her myself. I don't want to see my mother ever again, and my father's always at work so he doesn't have the time.
I just want my sister safe, I don't care about the rest of them.
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Crystal
Honestly I hate how my parents rules work, that we all have to put 50/50 but most of the time I feel like Im doing more than anyone. My brothers just sitting around playing games meanwhile I get yelled at for sitting down to study and than ask me why I havent gotten to college meanwhile I cant concentrate while there asking so much of me
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Honestly I hate how my parents rules work, that we all have to put 50/50 but most of the time I feel like Im doing more than anyone. My brothers just sitting around playing games meanwhile I get yelled at for sitting down to study and than ask me why I havent gotten to college meanwhile I cant concentrate while there asking so much of me
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Lili
POV: You got abused both physically and psychologically for years by your grandparents and the only excuses you got are:
-Yeah, but I forgot my meds that day.
-I guess I was having a bad day.
-It was because of the anger/alcohol.
-I was like this to you because I hated your father's new girlfriend.
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POV: You got abused both physically and psychologically for years by your grandparents and the only excuses you got are:
-Yeah, but I forgot my meds that day.
-I guess I was having a bad day.
-It was because of the anger/alcohol.
-I was like this to you because I hated your father's new girlfriend.
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Evan
My family may indeed have some of these characteristics. Here are some methods I'll do next time conflict happens.
1. Criticize The Behavior Of The Person Who Triggered it. (It's usually my grandmother)
2. Try to stop it.
3. Tell them to calm down.
4. Tell my biological mom to stop smoking.
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My family may indeed have some of these characteristics. Here are some methods I'll do next time conflict happens.
1. Criticize The Behavior Of The Person Who Triggered it. (It's usually my grandmother)
2. Try to stop it.
3. Tell them to calm down.
4. Tell my biological mom to stop smoking.
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TheIndigoShroom
When home was a place that you dreaded instead of loved, instead of good memories it brought panic attacks, instead of nostalgia it brought pain, and it was never the buildings fault, but the one that was supposed to teach you what love was, but was the one who destroyed it.
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When home was a place that you dreaded instead of loved, instead of good memories it brought panic attacks, instead of nostalgia it brought pain, and it was never the buildings fault, but the one that was supposed to teach you what love was, but was the one who destroyed it.
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devi
thats crazy; my stepdad would literally brag about his love being conditional. when i made mistakes i was harshly punished and isolated and he would remind me of the fact that he only loved me conditionally because i was not his child and he never wanted to be a parent.
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thats crazy; my stepdad would literally brag about his love being conditional. when i made mistakes i was harshly punished and isolated and he would remind me of the fact that he only loved me conditionally because i was not his child and he never wanted to be a parent.
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ghengis
Scapegoating was a big one in mine, running hand in hand with perfectionism and poor communication ( a very polite way of saying it's ok for mum to shout and hit you.
Her catastrophising is astounding. I've stopped responding, that's the best way for me.
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Scapegoating was a big one in mine, running hand in hand with perfectionism and poor communication ( a very polite way of saying it's ok for mum to shout and hit you.
Her catastrophising is astounding. I've stopped responding, that's the best way for me.
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Eggy
I dont get why my father says I can buy whatever I want in my preference. But when I get the stuff I want he always has something negative to say about it - or he shames me for not doing/liking something. Its hella confusing and I dont understand it.
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I dont get why my father says I can buy whatever I want in my preference. But when I get the stuff I want he always has something negative to say about it - or he shames me for not doing/liking something. Its hella confusing and I dont understand it.
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Panagogo
It amazes me that people are actually friends with their parents, that their parents know anything about them. My 20s has been an elaborate smokescreen of telling my family absolutely nothing so that they can't find some way to ruin it.
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It amazes me that people are actually friends with their parents, that their parents know anything about them. My 20s has been an elaborate smokescreen of telling my family absolutely nothing so that they can't find some way to ruin it.
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Lahun
Actually my mother used to love my alcoholic brother alot he never work for do anything he just drink and ate and make kitchen always dirty I was looking for a solution. Will you please advise me whether I should stay with them or not?
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Actually my mother used to love my alcoholic brother alot he never work for do anything he just drink and ate and make kitchen always dirty I was looking for a solution. Will you please advise me whether I should stay with them or not?
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