6 Subtle Signs of a Toxic Family Member
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Date: 2023-08-20
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Comments and reviews: 25
Gaby
I can tell you guys how much these videos about toxic families have helped me to understand what I have been seeing in therapy. I, and took me quite a while to start using I to refer as me as a person, grew up in a very toxic environment, but because I was the odd one, I often believed I was never doing well enough, not like my siblings. The parental preference to those with skills in maths over the one who only knows how to draw. It didn't matter if I had any achievements, that I had a job that marked a breakthrough in my own country, even being on radio or TV, or giving talks at colleges, it never mattered. I gave 2 decades of my life to care for my mom during her illness. After her passing, I had this fantasy thought that Hey, now maybe my siblings and I will have a better relationship, right? They'll recognize my hard work, and we'll be family, right, well no. They would tell me after three months after mom's passing You're still grieving? that's too much drama, don't you think? - For years, I still tried to amend or fix or create a relationship with my siblings, but, as my therapist said, you can't pour more water into a jug that can only hold a little amount of water. I was trying too hard to be part of their circle. And they never wanted to be part of mine. It was all on my side, and one sided loves and relationships often turn out bitter and you end up feeling dejected. And then, pandemic and lockdown arrived, and of course, non of them ever bothered to check if I needed any help, and that's when I realized that I was okay on my own, that I didn't need to force myself into being part of their circles. And I started learning to set up boundaries, and limits, and yes, I stop trying to connect with them, but stayed open enough in case they would like to say hi. We are now in amicable terms, with the random hello on birthdays and holidays. I still go a little out of my way and make them greeting cards for these occasions, and I think that's how it's to be alright. There's just a certain amount of ME that they are okay with, and that's okay too. I feel the same way about them. Sometimes less is more. And being by myself, has helped me find my own family outside from the one I grew up in. They are good friends who don't even live in my own country. We constantly chat, send each other care-parcels, and check that we are okay, and that's how a family should feel. People who actually care for each other. We can't choose the family we are born in, but we can work out of that and let a new family be formed, one where you are welcome.
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I can tell you guys how much these videos about toxic families have helped me to understand what I have been seeing in therapy. I, and took me quite a while to start using I to refer as me as a person, grew up in a very toxic environment, but because I was the odd one, I often believed I was never doing well enough, not like my siblings. The parental preference to those with skills in maths over the one who only knows how to draw. It didn't matter if I had any achievements, that I had a job that marked a breakthrough in my own country, even being on radio or TV, or giving talks at colleges, it never mattered. I gave 2 decades of my life to care for my mom during her illness. After her passing, I had this fantasy thought that Hey, now maybe my siblings and I will have a better relationship, right? They'll recognize my hard work, and we'll be family, right, well no. They would tell me after three months after mom's passing You're still grieving? that's too much drama, don't you think? - For years, I still tried to amend or fix or create a relationship with my siblings, but, as my therapist said, you can't pour more water into a jug that can only hold a little amount of water. I was trying too hard to be part of their circle. And they never wanted to be part of mine. It was all on my side, and one sided loves and relationships often turn out bitter and you end up feeling dejected. And then, pandemic and lockdown arrived, and of course, non of them ever bothered to check if I needed any help, and that's when I realized that I was okay on my own, that I didn't need to force myself into being part of their circles. And I started learning to set up boundaries, and limits, and yes, I stop trying to connect with them, but stayed open enough in case they would like to say hi. We are now in amicable terms, with the random hello on birthdays and holidays. I still go a little out of my way and make them greeting cards for these occasions, and I think that's how it's to be alright. There's just a certain amount of ME that they are okay with, and that's okay too. I feel the same way about them. Sometimes less is more. And being by myself, has helped me find my own family outside from the one I grew up in. They are good friends who don't even live in my own country. We constantly chat, send each other care-parcels, and check that we are okay, and that's how a family should feel. People who actually care for each other. We can't choose the family we are born in, but we can work out of that and let a new family be formed, one where you are welcome.
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Faith
I dont know whether this would count with a toxic family member but when my mom was in the hospital because of breathing problems she developed from smoking, at one point she had to be on a ventilator and in a coma. At that point it felt like the world had come to a standstill for me, cause I didnt know if my mom would be ok. So I was sitting in the waiting area of the ICU with a bunch of family and friends, and I knew from how I felt that I needed time to process what happened with my mom, so I told my dad that I wanted to take tomorrow off since I had to work and as soon as I said it, he immediately snapped and told me that its better for me to be at work and then I wont worry about moms condition. I felt like I hadnt been heard by him at all because he just completely ignored what Id said. I dont know if that was a toxic response from him, but it definitely hurt me emotionally and it made things worse when I had to go to work the next day. Nowadays I can sense when someone is toxic and I try to stay away from them. Because Im not falling for that and being ignored anymore. And thankfully Im also doing therapy too. Thats helping a lot especially when it comes to more painful memories like that one.
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I dont know whether this would count with a toxic family member but when my mom was in the hospital because of breathing problems she developed from smoking, at one point she had to be on a ventilator and in a coma. At that point it felt like the world had come to a standstill for me, cause I didnt know if my mom would be ok. So I was sitting in the waiting area of the ICU with a bunch of family and friends, and I knew from how I felt that I needed time to process what happened with my mom, so I told my dad that I wanted to take tomorrow off since I had to work and as soon as I said it, he immediately snapped and told me that its better for me to be at work and then I wont worry about moms condition. I felt like I hadnt been heard by him at all because he just completely ignored what Id said. I dont know if that was a toxic response from him, but it definitely hurt me emotionally and it made things worse when I had to go to work the next day. Nowadays I can sense when someone is toxic and I try to stay away from them. Because Im not falling for that and being ignored anymore. And thankfully Im also doing therapy too. Thats helping a lot especially when it comes to more painful memories like that one.
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Tsunderaboot
I can relate to a couple of the signs. My upbringing was disturbing. My mother, who's a troubled person herself, didn't respect boundaries. It also didn't help that she was also very terrifying when my siblings and I tried to rebel against her intrusiveness (loud voice, harsh tone, looking quite feral, etc. For her, it was all about being in and having control. When I was younger and I had an issue, I'd usually, get a dismissive response in return. Afterward, I would feel foolish for having done that because I felt like I had wasted their time. I also felt helpless because I was conditioned to always respect the grown-ups regardless of how they treated me. Because I am the oldest one, my parents and some of my relatives would tell me to be the responsible sibling and to teach the younger ones. If either of my siblings screws up, I get scolded and blamed. Back then, I wasn't aware of the term for such behaviors but deep down I knew it wasn't something pleasant. I'm glad that there is more awareness of them. I've been talking to a therapist and journaling to unburden my overly cluttered mind.
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I can relate to a couple of the signs. My upbringing was disturbing. My mother, who's a troubled person herself, didn't respect boundaries. It also didn't help that she was also very terrifying when my siblings and I tried to rebel against her intrusiveness (loud voice, harsh tone, looking quite feral, etc. For her, it was all about being in and having control. When I was younger and I had an issue, I'd usually, get a dismissive response in return. Afterward, I would feel foolish for having done that because I felt like I had wasted their time. I also felt helpless because I was conditioned to always respect the grown-ups regardless of how they treated me. Because I am the oldest one, my parents and some of my relatives would tell me to be the responsible sibling and to teach the younger ones. If either of my siblings screws up, I get scolded and blamed. Back then, I wasn't aware of the term for such behaviors but deep down I knew it wasn't something pleasant. I'm glad that there is more awareness of them. I've been talking to a therapist and journaling to unburden my overly cluttered mind.
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Moon
Its extremely difficult to have grown up in a loving family that genuinely meant well and how deeply loved my sister and me and we deeply love them, but to realise with age that there was endless passive aggressions, gaslighting, lack of taking responsibility for their actions, and being controlling in the sense of their religions and beliefs. But theyre not bad people, in fact theyre really good people, and they dont even realise all these things. Theyre not self-aware enough. It makes it really difficult to figure out a healthy balance for these relationships because walking away isnt an option because theyre not openly or purposely these things but being close is no longer an option either because of the hurt or tightness being around them causes its painful, conflicting, difficult and complicated: (
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Its extremely difficult to have grown up in a loving family that genuinely meant well and how deeply loved my sister and me and we deeply love them, but to realise with age that there was endless passive aggressions, gaslighting, lack of taking responsibility for their actions, and being controlling in the sense of their religions and beliefs. But theyre not bad people, in fact theyre really good people, and they dont even realise all these things. Theyre not self-aware enough. It makes it really difficult to figure out a healthy balance for these relationships because walking away isnt an option because theyre not openly or purposely these things but being close is no longer an option either because of the hurt or tightness being around them causes its painful, conflicting, difficult and complicated: (
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Fia
My sister literally checked off every box. I'm also really happy that examples using siblings were used, since in most cases it's relationships or parents or whatnot and it really made my situation feel irrelevant.
My sister is a very toxic person, but somehow I was able to break free of the 'control' for lack of better words. It's really different. My mindset before and my mindset after. It was like a sudden break, and it was amazing.
Piece of advice for anyone suffering from a toxic relationship with family or significant others: they're human just as you are. Whatever they're capable of you are capable of it too. The only reason why they're in control is because you let them (I did even if I didn't realize it. You CAN break free. It's only a matter of 'will you'.
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My sister literally checked off every box. I'm also really happy that examples using siblings were used, since in most cases it's relationships or parents or whatnot and it really made my situation feel irrelevant.
My sister is a very toxic person, but somehow I was able to break free of the 'control' for lack of better words. It's really different. My mindset before and my mindset after. It was like a sudden break, and it was amazing.
Piece of advice for anyone suffering from a toxic relationship with family or significant others: they're human just as you are. Whatever they're capable of you are capable of it too. The only reason why they're in control is because you let them (I did even if I didn't realize it. You CAN break free. It's only a matter of 'will you'.
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enigma
I thought I could turn to my boyfriends aunt in a time of need. I was wrong. It was around 9pm and I was crying and distraught. needing some support from feeling confused with my emotions involving my toxic family. soo I thought she would be alright to talk with. Boy was I so wrong. She layed there motionless on the bed and picked certain things apart. like how i don't pay enough rent. Excuse me mam? Then saying i should be more social. Um no I am an introvert whose uncomfortable with a lot of people. If someone came to me looking for help or reassurance, I would sit up, no matter how tired I was. and try to rub their back or comfort them somehow. I've realized she's probably a narcissist and just doesn't have much empathy, or care. It hurts
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I thought I could turn to my boyfriends aunt in a time of need. I was wrong. It was around 9pm and I was crying and distraught. needing some support from feeling confused with my emotions involving my toxic family. soo I thought she would be alright to talk with. Boy was I so wrong. She layed there motionless on the bed and picked certain things apart. like how i don't pay enough rent. Excuse me mam? Then saying i should be more social. Um no I am an introvert whose uncomfortable with a lot of people. If someone came to me looking for help or reassurance, I would sit up, no matter how tired I was. and try to rub their back or comfort them somehow. I've realized she's probably a narcissist and just doesn't have much empathy, or care. It hurts
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Precision
For about 15 years my family has been telling me theres something wrong with me, that I need to talk to somebody. I saw a lot of real shit therapists. I saw a few decent ones. They all told me that my coping mechanisms were good. It took me another 10 years to realize my two siblings and my mother were toxic. The middle sibling gaslights. Then lies to the eldest sibling, blaming me for whatever. Eldest sibling tells mother. Mother adjudicates according to the story the 2nd sibling made up, passes down punishment, thus cementing the made up bad behavior with mother and eldest sibling. Im lying when I tell the truth. Cant imagine why I have anxiety and depression. Im just trying to figure out how to exist.
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For about 15 years my family has been telling me theres something wrong with me, that I need to talk to somebody. I saw a lot of real shit therapists. I saw a few decent ones. They all told me that my coping mechanisms were good. It took me another 10 years to realize my two siblings and my mother were toxic. The middle sibling gaslights. Then lies to the eldest sibling, blaming me for whatever. Eldest sibling tells mother. Mother adjudicates according to the story the 2nd sibling made up, passes down punishment, thus cementing the made up bad behavior with mother and eldest sibling. Im lying when I tell the truth. Cant imagine why I have anxiety and depression. Im just trying to figure out how to exist.
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RoxyTBDW
One of my biggest pet peeves is when my parent say I don't care who does it you're all going to get in trouble if I even hear one (something like teasing or arguing) I'm taking away everyone's stuff
My siblings could easily say something rude and I'd get my stuff taken away for something THEY did all because they are younger.
It doesn't happen that much anymore, but when it does my parents (specifically my dad) usually threatens to do stuff like break my most precious valuables in a gruesome way before throwing them off of the deck or something along those lines.
I never thought about if it was normal or not, but I'm assuming some people deal with this but it should NOT be normal.
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One of my biggest pet peeves is when my parent say I don't care who does it you're all going to get in trouble if I even hear one (something like teasing or arguing) I'm taking away everyone's stuff
My siblings could easily say something rude and I'd get my stuff taken away for something THEY did all because they are younger.
It doesn't happen that much anymore, but when it does my parents (specifically my dad) usually threatens to do stuff like break my most precious valuables in a gruesome way before throwing them off of the deck or something along those lines.
I never thought about if it was normal or not, but I'm assuming some people deal with this but it should NOT be normal.
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psych2go
My sister who's in middle school right now is just, incredibly mean to me. This night she was complaining to me on how are parents are so annoying, how I'm a red flag, and much more. My parents said to talk it out gently. But she didn't want to. She just told me to shut up. She even hit me to not go out of the room. I did go out but she's just so toxic to me now. I said not to mock our parents. But she then complained to me and shushed me when I disagreed with her. Saying WELL YOUR NOT A WOMAN ARE YOU? SO YOU DONT HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. I know teen girls are just mentally diffrent, but it went to far. Or maybe Im just toxic. And overrreacting. I dont even know anymore.
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My sister who's in middle school right now is just, incredibly mean to me. This night she was complaining to me on how are parents are so annoying, how I'm a red flag, and much more. My parents said to talk it out gently. But she didn't want to. She just told me to shut up. She even hit me to not go out of the room. I did go out but she's just so toxic to me now. I said not to mock our parents. But she then complained to me and shushed me when I disagreed with her. Saying WELL YOUR NOT A WOMAN ARE YOU? SO YOU DONT HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. I know teen girls are just mentally diffrent, but it went to far. Or maybe Im just toxic. And overrreacting. I dont even know anymore.
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twitchster77
Me and my mother had a very toxic relationship since I was a kid. She was in constant chronic pain though and I can't even begin to imagine.
And yet. especially as I grew into an adult. she was my best friend and I miss her so much. We did so much together. she did so many things for me. Looking back, life felt so much safer with her in it. She always had my back and was always there ready to fight for me when needed.
We fought hard. There are many points in my life that I felt legit hatred towards her.
And I love her and I miss her. I often have dreams of her, and wake up super sad knowing it was just a dream.
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Me and my mother had a very toxic relationship since I was a kid. She was in constant chronic pain though and I can't even begin to imagine.
And yet. especially as I grew into an adult. she was my best friend and I miss her so much. We did so much together. she did so many things for me. Looking back, life felt so much safer with her in it. She always had my back and was always there ready to fight for me when needed.
We fought hard. There are many points in my life that I felt legit hatred towards her.
And I love her and I miss her. I often have dreams of her, and wake up super sad knowing it was just a dream.
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Mickey
I am 18 this year and want to move out but at the same time don't want to leave them(my mom, dad, sis) alone. I love them so much but I also don't want to talk to them because whenever we talk, we fight. Sometimes I feel my family is toxic but sometimes I feel maybe I am the problem, maybe I am toxic. I am feeling very sick right now.
I am feeling anger, want to cry. Whenever we fight it feels like my heart is sqeazing and throbing (No, I don't have any disease or heart problem. I don't know what to do. I sleep all day, night. I don't want to be with them but I will die without them. I really don't know what I want.
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I am 18 this year and want to move out but at the same time don't want to leave them(my mom, dad, sis) alone. I love them so much but I also don't want to talk to them because whenever we talk, we fight. Sometimes I feel my family is toxic but sometimes I feel maybe I am the problem, maybe I am toxic. I am feeling very sick right now.
I am feeling anger, want to cry. Whenever we fight it feels like my heart is sqeazing and throbing (No, I don't have any disease or heart problem. I don't know what to do. I sleep all day, night. I don't want to be with them but I will die without them. I really don't know what I want.
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Mutha
I watched this to help me identify issues with a family member whom I deem to be toxic. But it made me realize that growing up, these were issues I had to constantly deal with various family members - especially extended family. So much so that I believe they are simply traits of the immediate community Im in. Just as well I was disenfranchised long enough to allow me to be my own self. But I still need to identify these subtle signs to ensure that I am not unknowingly exercising it onto others.
Thank you so much for this! And for all the other times youve helped to articulate issues around me.
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I watched this to help me identify issues with a family member whom I deem to be toxic. But it made me realize that growing up, these were issues I had to constantly deal with various family members - especially extended family. So much so that I believe they are simply traits of the immediate community Im in. Just as well I was disenfranchised long enough to allow me to be my own self. But I still need to identify these subtle signs to ensure that I am not unknowingly exercising it onto others.
Thank you so much for this! And for all the other times youve helped to articulate issues around me.
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Shattered
My feelings were always pushed to the side, my mom has always said that I was overreacting to anything that made me uncomfortable, at one point I was having a depressive episode along with a panic attack, so I called my mom, she said your fine, Im depressed all the time I was at work in front of all my coworkers and my boss. I felt humiliated. And couldnt look at anyone when I was working.
I later that day passed out for 6 hours because of the mental strain that had on me. I was then called lazy by my mother.
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My feelings were always pushed to the side, my mom has always said that I was overreacting to anything that made me uncomfortable, at one point I was having a depressive episode along with a panic attack, so I called my mom, she said your fine, Im depressed all the time I was at work in front of all my coworkers and my boss. I felt humiliated. And couldnt look at anyone when I was working.
I later that day passed out for 6 hours because of the mental strain that had on me. I was then called lazy by my mother.
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BOSS_KING
I just don't know what to say now but just cry because of how true this is in my life. am always so tired for no reason sometimes, and every second of living feels like am suffocating. I don't just know, I dislike being confused or conflicted so much but I always have to solve my problems myself. And I know nothing or more like scared to be Independent because don't want to make a mistake. my parents are no much help either. AM JUST TIRED!
Am so sorry if am saying too much.
. am so sorry
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I just don't know what to say now but just cry because of how true this is in my life. am always so tired for no reason sometimes, and every second of living feels like am suffocating. I don't just know, I dislike being confused or conflicted so much but I always have to solve my problems myself. And I know nothing or more like scared to be Independent because don't want to make a mistake. my parents are no much help either. AM JUST TIRED!
Am so sorry if am saying too much.
. am so sorry
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Slahes
I would like to Know
How to survive and live in this environment, with people who are close to us are toxic and when you can't do anything to move or push them away. And more over the person loves and cares for me but the thing is they don't know this is toxic and have, maturity to understand it's toxic even if they older than me.
I just wanted to live happily with them without all those hurts and just love that both of us could give each other
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I would like to Know
How to survive and live in this environment, with people who are close to us are toxic and when you can't do anything to move or push them away. And more over the person loves and cares for me but the thing is they don't know this is toxic and have, maturity to understand it's toxic even if they older than me.
I just wanted to live happily with them without all those hurts and just love that both of us could give each other
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Kat
Is it weird Im experiencing some of this from my younger sister she always has to be right about everything one of her favorite things to do is complain about me and our young sister who is seven how we are bad sisters and how our parents only spend so much time with us is because Ive had issues with bullies since I was young and what is the youngest she constantly blames us for things and she has gotten explosively angry at us before
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Is it weird Im experiencing some of this from my younger sister she always has to be right about everything one of her favorite things to do is complain about me and our young sister who is seven how we are bad sisters and how our parents only spend so much time with us is because Ive had issues with bullies since I was young and what is the youngest she constantly blames us for things and she has gotten explosively angry at us before
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NatsukiFIN
3-5 are accuratedly what I go through, I often think because of my characterics I can be easily get misunderstood and I thought those things happens because of it. However if I try and try again my best to not offend my family but never been able to. I have to stop as I got burnout from doing so, I think gaslighting also happens but I don't remember everything well enough to be sure of it.
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3-5 are accuratedly what I go through, I often think because of my characterics I can be easily get misunderstood and I thought those things happens because of it. However if I try and try again my best to not offend my family but never been able to. I have to stop as I got burnout from doing so, I think gaslighting also happens but I don't remember everything well enough to be sure of it.
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Adam
This is really enlightening thank you. I hope that people can use this in two ways. Understand the people around them who might be harmful. But also understand when they might cross the line themselves. I personally think given the right circumstance I've crossed these lines, and maybe almost everyone can or has in the past. Self reflection can be transformative here too
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This is really enlightening thank you. I hope that people can use this in two ways. Understand the people around them who might be harmful. But also understand when they might cross the line themselves. I personally think given the right circumstance I've crossed these lines, and maybe almost everyone can or has in the past. Self reflection can be transformative here too
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Anna
my sister often gaslights and manipulates people into feeling sympathetic towards her even though shes in the wrong and then she will get mad at you if you dont feel bad for her, she has a lot of mental issues that she refuses to get help for because she thinks shes perfectly fine and sometimes being around her is just unbearable
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my sister often gaslights and manipulates people into feeling sympathetic towards her even though shes in the wrong and then she will get mad at you if you dont feel bad for her, she has a lot of mental issues that she refuses to get help for because she thinks shes perfectly fine and sometimes being around her is just unbearable
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Akirakiro
I feel like I'm always the toxic one because I'm different, I know some of them doesn't like some people in the fam they can still keep up and pretend they do like them but me? I can't and it made me lose the intimacy with them because I don't go out with I avoid them as much as possible. I just don't understand my self rn.
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I feel like I'm always the toxic one because I'm different, I know some of them doesn't like some people in the fam they can still keep up and pretend they do like them but me? I can't and it made me lose the intimacy with them because I don't go out with I avoid them as much as possible. I just don't understand my self rn.
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Maria
One of my family members called me a spoilt attention seeker when i tried to tell them about my mental health bc i dont have any 'real problems'.
Its kinda funny bc they're right. But i need their attention SO THEY CAN HELP ME, not just for the sake of it. I trusted then with my feelings but now I'll never do it again
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One of my family members called me a spoilt attention seeker when i tried to tell them about my mental health bc i dont have any 'real problems'.
Its kinda funny bc they're right. But i need their attention SO THEY CAN HELP ME, not just for the sake of it. I trusted then with my feelings but now I'll never do it again
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Marc
Cutting contact with all my family members for a couple of years was key to analyze how toxic they were and how toxic I became myself. Now, I'm slowly visiting them more often again. With all the lessons I learned about them and myself I made a mental barrier in order to handle with their toxicity.
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Cutting contact with all my family members for a couple of years was key to analyze how toxic they were and how toxic I became myself. Now, I'm slowly visiting them more often again. With all the lessons I learned about them and myself I made a mental barrier in order to handle with their toxicity.
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RODRIGO
The story of my life. Sort of, I always knew in what kind of mess I was in, but only realized de facto when paid for a therapist. I still struggle with it, but at least I know where the problem is. Luckily, I found a partner that really helps me seeing the abuses I face with my parents.
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The story of my life. Sort of, I always knew in what kind of mess I was in, but only realized de facto when paid for a therapist. I still struggle with it, but at least I know where the problem is. Luckily, I found a partner that really helps me seeing the abuses I face with my parents.
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solarflare623
I have and still currently live with people that have done many of these specifically to me. I am the only target. Nobody else. Luckily I have been fighting back and Ive been successful. Im 15 at the time Ive posted this and Ive had to contend with someone like this for years.
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I have and still currently live with people that have done many of these specifically to me. I am the only target. Nobody else. Luckily I have been fighting back and Ive been successful. Im 15 at the time Ive posted this and Ive had to contend with someone like this for years.
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Mn's
What I want to know is how does one open up about it without becoming the bad guy themselves. Ill be honest, this has been going on with me for a while now. I get mixed signals from that family member all the time, but now Im wondering if its them in the wrong or me. I dont know.
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What I want to know is how does one open up about it without becoming the bad guy themselves. Ill be honest, this has been going on with me for a while now. I get mixed signals from that family member all the time, but now Im wondering if its them in the wrong or me. I dont know.
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